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Feeling so sad

(10 Posts)
Keepingupandgettingon Mon 30-Jan-17 23:16:02

So for what feels like forever but only weeks I've watched my dear FIL deteriorate and pass away and as a result I've watched my DH so full of distraught emotion it hurts. All still doesn't feel real, funeral still to take place. My DH announced today that I won't be sitting next to him at the funeral. I feel so sad inside, for weeks now I've watched this nightmare unfold, I've watched H cry like I've never before, but can't be next to him to hold his hand and reassure him. I've never been to a funeral, is this normal practice?

BIWI Mon 30-Jan-17 23:18:02

Why won't you be sitting next to your DH? In any funeral I've ever been to, you sit where you want. (However, I've only been to Church of England or Humanist funerals - no idea what happens in other religions)

AddToBasket Mon 30-Jan-17 23:19:41

Aw, you poor thing. flowers

Funerals are always a bit weird and weird decisions get made. I'd just let DH sit whether he/family think he should - it'll be an experience he won't want to repeat where ever he sits.

He is so lucky to have you to care for him.

AstrantiaMajor Tue 31-Jan-17 08:22:41

Sometimes in grief, people forget that others are mourning too. The emotion and devastation that they feel can be so overwhelming that their actions can seem strange, hurtful and unreasonable. There are so many feelings that your DH has, that he most likely does not understand. Feelings of Anger, guilt, bewilderment, wanted to draw close to his birth family are all tossing around like ingredients in a blender. Sometimes one feeling will come to the surface, sometimes others.

Try not to be hurt by his words. On the day of the funereal things will fall into place quite naturally. At my Mum's funeral my brother and I followed the coffin into the crematorium and the. I sat next to him. He asked me to move up so that his wife could sit next to him. I was not offended, I just assumed we would sit together.

I think I was just a bit overwhelmed with all that had gone on before and just not thinking straight. After the funeral, I am sure your DH will be grateful that you let him take the lead on this.

BIWI Tue 31-Jan-17 08:56:11

I'm sorry for your loss, as well flowers

yohoohoo Tue 31-Jan-17 09:52:06

I had this when both my mil and fil passed.

Can I ask has someone else made this devision rather than your Husband? This happened to me when DH sisters organised funeral. They ordered the cars and service etc...I was told both times I wasnt going in the funeral cars but could I drive my own and take others in it whilst DH went in the car with sisters. Fair enough as only one car was ordered in the end.

Then at the church DH sat at the front with sisters I was put on another row. Also at fil funeral after was a sit down meal and I was even put on another table to DH. I never said a word not even to DH as I think he was oblivious due to emotions being all over the place. But it hurt me immensley.

I did say something years later and he looked stunned and said he really hadnt realised I felt like this and he was sorry as he hadnt seen it from my point of view.

I still feel hurt, pushed out and as if I wasnt part if the family. I would definitely want my DH by the side throughout.

Day something now rather than later

bigbluebus Tue 31-Jan-17 12:04:24

Have you been given a reason why you can't sit with him?
At both of the funeralas for my D Parents, we all got split up in the Church as some of us were doing prayers/readings so needed to be near the end of a row. Spouses did not travel in the Limo at DF's funeral as me and my DBs were in there with DM and there was only one car.

At my DD's funeral, the 4 uncles were bearers so the Funeral Director guided them all into a pew together - much to the shock of their respective partners. They all coped though - DSIL who struggles greatly with emotion and anxiety ended up being comforted by her niece in the absence of her DH.

Oly5 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:06:09

Don't be upset
It's quite normal for brothers and sisters to sit with their mothers and others to sit behind. Funerals are odd. I'm sure he's loved your support

ajandjjmum Tue 31-Jan-17 12:24:38

It was my FIL's funeral just before Christmas, and my SIL had some very fixed ideas re. the protocol, ie. eldest grandchild takes priority over others etc. We just went with it, as DH is just not motivated by that type of thing. I didn't sit by DH, but our DC sat behind him, and gave him hugs when they could.

My DM has just died and we are organising the funeral. Our plan is to just let it happen - all of us will be capable of comforting each other, and the whole nursing of Mum has brought us closer as a family.

Under the circumstances, you might be better just to go with the flow, although I can understand that as it's your first funeral, it could be a little overwhelming.

Keepingupandgettingon Tue 31-Jan-17 21:51:38

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm honestly dreading it, spoken to others today who don't get the decision which I know I need to respect. What makes it worse is only last week we had the conversation that we would sit together, this week it's different.

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