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My lovely brother-in-law committed suicide & I want to help my DH

(12 Posts)
Gaelforce Tue 24-Jan-17 00:37:42

It's still so, so soon and we don't know what to say to eachother.
I know he feels really guilty for not seeing him more or being around. He suffered so much from MH problems.
We were just getting on with our lives and family and all the stuff of daily living. It seems selfish writing it down.
Now my DH is in such pain.
What is there to say .

MrsBlennerhassett Tue 24-Jan-17 00:51:03

dont know what to say except how awful for you flowers

Halfwayupahill Tue 24-Jan-17 00:53:17

flowers I'm so sorry for your loss.

nicenewdusters Tue 24-Jan-17 01:04:14

A school friend of mine committed suicide in her early twenties. She'd had severe MH problems for several years. We all felt helpless, and questioned whether we could have been a better friend.

The vicar at the funeral was also a family friend. He said that she had reached a very dark place and that no one could pull her back. It's an awful thought but his words have always stayed with me.

I'm sure your DH did all he could in the circumstances, which is to just be his brother. So sorry for your loss, and the painful times ahead. But you have each other to face the pain, and that will ultimately be of great comfort.

wafflyversatile Tue 24-Jan-17 01:54:51

My deepest sympathies to you both. I lost my brother 9 months ago suddenly and too young. It's awful and nothing can change that. Grief just has to be ridden like a bolted horse. You can't dismount, just hang on as best you can. Hugs and quiet understanding mean more than words I think.

As for suicide and guilt. Some guilt comes as standard with grief and suicide tends to treble it. We somehow think that we should be able to prevent our loved ones dying from depression in a way we do not expect of ourselves for other potentially fatal conditions. Untreated cancer will kill you. But even with the best treatment there are no guarantees. Like cancer one can take all the treatments available, follow all the doctors orders, have all the love and support but eventually it's sometimes not enough. We don't blame them or ourselves or the doctors when they succumb to cancer so why blame ourselves when someone succumbs to suicide after however long resisting it.

Gaelforce Tue 24-Jan-17 09:57:30

flowers so sorry for your loss Waffly

Thank you everyone. It's this awful longing to rewind time to get a second chance.
Thanks for responding.

MsGee Tue 24-Jan-17 10:23:39

I am so sorry for yours and DH loss.

My MIL committed suicide.

In practical terms - could he talk to someone? I managed to get DH some counselling straight away - he only had a couple of sessions but it really helped enormously. Normally with bereavement they don't suggest this, but with traumatic bereavement, timely support helps. Even if he talks to a charity like SOBS that might help?

The guilt and replaying is horrific at first. But it does ease over time - it becomes less raw and painful but Waffly is right, someone else committing suicide is not in your control. I think even if I had done something dramatically different in the days preceeding MILs death, it would have only postponed the inevitable. There are times when DH and I are still guilty, angry and incredibly sad, but it is all less traumatic and with an acceptance that this was her choice.

flowers

Cryingandmorecrying Tue 24-Jan-17 10:32:03

I'm sorry you are going through this, my FIL committed suicide several years ago and I wish I had handled it differently for my DH. Unfortunately it was extremely traumatic for us all. My advice would be that he speaks with someone as soon as possible probably only for a short period (with a friend or counsellor) and then revisits counselling after the inquest.

flowers for you all, keep talking and don't be afraid to ask questions about how he is feeling

Topsy44 Tue 24-Jan-17 14:00:40

I am so sorry for your loss. Grieving from suicide is very very painful. There are so many emotions and the shock is immense. My DH took his own life 2.5 years ago and the guilt I felt was all consuming.

What helped me the most was talking it through with a trained counsellor. I managed to get free counselling pretty soon after his death through my doctor and then through CRUSE.

With time, you will see things differently. That it was his choice and nothing you did, didn't do, said or didn't say would have made any difference.

Big hugs to you both.

I"m so sorry for your loss. My DH's brother committed suicide almost 4 years ago now, I tried to help him through it as best as I could be he will never be the same again.

Just be there for him, that's all you can do.

So sorry

Gaelforce Thu 26-Jan-17 01:02:29

Thank you all for taking the time to read.
I've been reading the posts over and over and peoples' words are very soothing and helpful.
So strange to be on this forum after spending times surfing through 'Chat' and 'Life &Style'.
Life changes so quickly. We are all a bit in limbo at the moment.
Yes, thank you and sorry that you've all been through this too.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 26-Jan-17 01:38:17

A phrase that helped me deal with the suicide of a friend who had had ongoing mental health problems was 'when the pain it took to stay was worse than the pain it took to go'. It helped me see that the act itself was from deep within him, not from anything those of us who knew him did or didn't do. It was a choice he made, not one that we influenced him to make by any words we spoke. And that he did have pain at leaving us, it was just that staying was unbearable.

Do you think your DH would be open to counseling or a grief group?

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