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My dad died just after Christmas. Any advice on dealing with practical things. I'm in a bit of a fog.

(24 Posts)
wonderstuff Thu 12-Jan-17 21:06:41

I miss him, I'm cross with him. Most days I'm fine, but today was awful, I struggled to get out of bed, I'm not sleeping well and had a migraine today.
Funeral is being arranged, I'm executor in the will. Have a bank appointment tomorrow, there's a house and several pensions, possibly other shares and bonds, so much paperwork.
My youngest is struggling to make sense, lots of broken nights and long conversations about space and where heaven is. I'm exhausted.

RustyBear Thu 12-Jan-17 21:17:39

Sorry to hear about your Dad. flowers
I was executor when my dad died and I found the most useful thing was to keep a diary, where I wrote down everything I did as soon as I did it. I had one of those project books with different coloured dividers & had sections for e.g. Utilities, Funeral, Banks & Pension, House & contents etc
I had a timeline with a brief summary of what I'd done each day at the front, then entries with more details in the relevant section, and also had kept documents in coloured folders that corresponded to the sections. It helped me keep organised when I really didn't feel like it.

wonderstuff Thu 12-Jan-17 21:22:23

Sounds like a plan.

ImperialBlether Thu 12-Jan-17 21:24:26

I'm so sorry. Of all the times to deal with such a lot of work, after someone you loved died is the worst time.

I agree that lists will be your friend here. Was your dad living alone when he died?

pithivier Thu 12-Jan-17 21:33:13

If your dad lived alone, contact all of the utility companies. Ask to speak to their probate department and they will freeze all the bills. Remember to keep the insuranCe on his property. Let them know if the house is empty. If he is in receipt of a work pension, contact them. Quite often their is a lump sum or spouses pension to be paid to a surviving widow. If he is rented accommodation they made need you to move things out quickly. Don't let anyone bully you into rushing decisions.

Keep a file for all paperwork. When you speak to anyone, make a note of date and their name. So sorry for your loss.

echt Thu 12-Jan-17 21:36:22

So sorry for your loss, wonderstuff

Rustybear's suggestion is good one. I had an A4 ring binder with everything in alphabetical order, with a separate sheet at the front where I recorded when each bit was closed/done.

I found the UK people very helpful, about probate, and despite the many forms, they're always on hand to explain.

One more thing, keep a record of every phone call you make, date, time, content and action. Keep photocopies of all paperwork posted. Open a folder for emails where you can dump everything connected with your father's estate.

Clickncollect Thu 12-Jan-17 21:38:51

I'm so sorry wonderstuff. Certainly not intending to hijack your thread but my Dad also died just after Christmas and I'm in a similar position. It's bloody hard and bloody horrible and I'm ploughing through the paperwork as best I can. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

wonderstuff Thu 12-Jan-17 21:54:39

Comforting to know I'm not alone. Dad lived with my brother and nephew, db has transfered utilities. I hadn't thought about house insurance, I'll look into that. I've still got my mum, but she and dad divorced many years ago. He was drawing one pension, but I think two others he was waiting until he was 65, which would have been in June.

Clickncollect Thu 12-Jan-17 22:07:19

Another young one aswell, my Dad was 63 and also my parents were long divorced.

My Dad lived alone and I organised his bills and financial affairs when he was alive so I've basically bought a notebook and have 1 page per item I.e one page for Electricity, another for water/sewage, private Pension, Flat (rented), bank account, etc etc and trying to work my way through, as well as organise the funeral.

The priorities seem to be making sure form PA1 for probate is filled in and have you received the death certificate/registered the death?

wonderstuff Thu 12-Jan-17 22:45:39

No death certificate yet, coroner is still investigating. Don't know what PA1 is? Don't really understand probate. I'm seeing a solicitor next week to instruct to deal with the estate, too complex for me to get my head round.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 12-Jan-17 22:49:58

When you go to register the death, they will tell you about 'Tell us once'.
This will deal with pretty much everything except private pensions, shares, etc.
We didn't know about it until DF died.
I really hope that

DustyBustle Thu 12-Jan-17 22:52:02

The funeral director and the registrar should have some good guidance and help for you. The registrar might be able to help you with a 'tell us once' service whereby several officials can be informed at once, like dvla, benefits agency, passport office etc.

And I found the funeral director chaps very helpful in what to do and where to go.

So sorry for you.

TreeTop7 Thu 12-Jan-17 22:58:26

"Tell Us Once" is excellent.

Your dad may be due a tax rebate, which will be paid to you from HMRC within about eight weeks of your registering his death. It will be automatic, you don't need to do anything.

wonderstuff Thu 12-Jan-17 22:58:46

I've read about tell it once, but we can't get the death certificate yet, still waiting for coroner the complete investigation.

DustyBustle Thu 12-Jan-17 23:02:32

I'm sorry OP, I get the sense the way he went might be complicated. Funeral directors have wide and varied experience - I would look for help there.

Clickncollect Fri 13-Jan-17 11:38:41

I hope the bank appointment has gone as ok as can be expected today.
We also don't have a death certificate yet as my Dad died suddenly so the coroner wanted a post mortem. They called us yesterday to say that was completed and am expecting to hear from them again next week to collect the death cert and be able to register the death. He died on 28th Dec so it is certainly taking a while.

How old is your youngest? My DS is only 7 months but my nephew is 7 years and so my sister is facing many questions similar to you.

bigbluebus Fri 13-Jan-17 13:46:20

Sorry for your loss wonderstuff
My DF died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 years ago although he was 86. I was going to come on and say that one of the things he had done was to appoint a Professional Executor in his will which meant that all the laborious paperwork and phone calls were taken away from me. Although I am very used to filling in forms and dealing with financial affairs, I didn't need to be dealing with it whilst grieving. I am so glad you have made an appointment with a Solicitor with a view to handing over Executorship.

GinasGirl Fri 13-Jan-17 13:56:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum when she was 60 two years ago just after New Year and I remember that fog very well.
The only thing I can say is one thing at a time, I was executor for Mum, so I just worked through the list: house stuff, legal stuff, funeral stuff, and broke it all down into sections, it helped me feel calmer and that I could cope with the tasks at hand.
Also, I know it's hard, but try to eat and I know sleep can allude you, so I took naps when my brain would switch off, until after the funeral when things started to feel a bit more 'settled' if that's the right way to describe it?! And my sleep pattern started to regulate a bit more.
My youngest DS was devastated, so we look at pictures a lot and he likes to light 'granny's candle'
I hope some of the above is helpful, and again I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

wonderstuff Fri 13-Jan-17 18:22:41

Thanks all, seems like our circumstances are very similar clickandcollect I'm waiting on a toxicology report but at least the coroner has released the body. Bank were helpful, annoyingly the paper I thought was an invoice for the funeral was only confirmation of arrangements, so need to go back to them, annoying that theyve not been more helpful really.

wonderstuff Tue 17-Jan-17 22:01:51

So the funeral - cremation, we have picked music for start and finish and hymns, rector from the Welsh chapel is travelling which is lovely. DB says we need another piece of music for the middle of the service. Which to me seems odd, I suggested a nice classical piece, but he says that isn't relevant to dad and suggested a stones track - which seems really odd to me, but he thinks I'm being difficult. Thoughts?

Dinnerout1 Tue 17-Jan-17 22:06:15

Sorry about your father passing x big hugs x

Clickncollect Tue 17-Jan-17 22:27:25

Hi wonderstuff, good to hear things are moving along. My Dad was a huge Elvis fan so we have chosen an Elvis song for the middle of the service.
There's no right or wrong so choose whatever you are comfortable with but my understanding is that the middle of the service is a 'reflection time' hence why I think your DB is thinking that way.
When is the funeral booked for? Did you get the death certificate? I collected the death certificate yesterday and registered the death and have spent the day making phone calls and sending copies of the death cert out where required. Hope you are doing ok x

wonderstuff Tue 17-Jan-17 22:46:59

Just can't imagine it, but tempted to just go with whatever db wants. Just want it done. No death certificate yet, but coroners certificate of death seems to serve a similar purpose.
Hope you are doing OK, so much to do. Appointment with bank and financial advisor tomorrow. Funeral on the 31St.

Clickncollect Sun 29-Jan-17 22:35:18

Best wishes for the 31st wonderstuff, hope you are doing ok x

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