Advanced search

Lost my husband and struggling

(18 Posts)
chocolatecosmos Mon 02-Jan-17 17:30:19

I am now at 5 weeks. He was ill but it was still unexpected. It was devastating and traumatic as I stayed with him in hospital as he was on life support( hope up and down and then the eventual outcome). It is not getting easier in fact the last couple of days have been the hardest. I have two sons under 12 and the older one is often very emotional. I am terrified as I am expected back at work next week ( full time teaching). I have already had 5 weeks but often feel anxious and often break down. I am also finding it difficult to hold conversation for any length of time. I need to retreat and find it all exhausting.

tribpot Mon 02-Jan-17 17:37:13

So very sorry for your loss. It is very early days. Can you talk to your boss about reducing your hours temporarily? I appreciate it's not easy as a teacher but better you plan something manageable than end up going off sick.

Have you been in touch with Widowed and Young? I've heard good things about them on MN.

What support do you have in real life? Are your sons getting any bereavement support?

beckslovestimmy Mon 02-Jan-17 17:38:00

So sorry for your loss. I think you need to be signed off for longer. 5 weeks is no time at all to even start to deal with your and your children's emotions. I'm sure your GP will be able to help. Maybe you could look at counselling for the children and maybe yourself. Do you have real life support?

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse Mon 02-Jan-17 17:43:50

I am so sorry for you, your sons and your loss. I have no practical experience but I do know from others that Winstons Wish charity, for bereaved children, is invaluable. You have to look after yourself and your sons and be kind to yourself. I get that you feel five weeks off work is a lot and you feel some kind of guilt, obligation, necessity to go back, but seriously you won't be doing the school or yourself any good if you go back before you're ready. Have you discussed a plan with them? Maybe they would be willing to negotiate something that works better for you?

chocolatecosmos Mon 02-Jan-17 17:46:10

Thanks. It helps me to hear that.
We have a local charity, Once upon a smile, that have been really helpful. We will be offered counselling in the new year for all of us. I was going to talk to my GP. I just feel as if I am not measuring up to expectations. The school have been lovely but the head definitely thought I would be back before Christmas. As I said, it is currently getting worse and I feel as if it is only just hitting home. My parents are not far away and friends and neighbours have all been supportive.

FlutteringCunts Mon 02-Jan-17 17:50:30

Awh my love, I don't have any practical advice either. Of course you are having a tough time this time of year. I agree with PP, talk to your boss.

There isn't an expectation, I can guarantee you that.

Timeforabiscuit Mon 02-Jan-17 17:57:15

There is no right or expected way to do grief, your whole world has shifted on its axis and you need time - how much time is vastly vastly different.

Speak to your gp, speak to your head, be honest about how your feeling -i had frankly terrifying bouts of rage which i thought would be 'career limiting' at work - and can readily remember not being able to cook a meal i thought I could do withmy eyes closed.

My point is, it floored me, in a ways i couldnt comprehend, and that other people couldnt necessarily comprehend either so being very clear with those people with what i could cope with was the only way.

Wishing you love and strength.

chocolatecosmos Mon 02-Jan-17 18:05:03

Time for a biscuit. That is exactly it. I took 4 hours to put washing away. My focus has gone and I seem to bumble around, ok at times the massively anxious about things that are not really that out of the ordinary. You are right I just need to be honest. Right now I have my best face which I manage for an hour or two but really that's it. thanks

Hellenbach Mon 02-Jan-17 19:47:03

Would you consider AD's? I have found that they help me keep everything from becoming overwhelming.
I am 9 months on from my DH dying and found the first few months a blur. I couldn't sleep and all my time seemed to be spent on the admin stuff.
Teaching full time is an exhausting job, 5 weeks seems too soon to return. Ask to return at Easter, take the time to start counselling.

echt Mon 02-Jan-17 21:39:52

Can you negotiate a part-time return? I can see that five weeks is way too soon for the way you are feeling, and your school will be understanding.
The counselling sounds good.

I'm only now at the stage where I can think about it. It was offered by DH's employers, so I'll see what transpires. DH died suddenly six months ago and I went back to teaching straight away but part-time (my decision), and no young DCs to take care of. My school were also fab about taking time off to sort out the admin.

I found I could hack daily work, but aways perilously close to losing it, no resilience, a hair's breadth away from an angry outburst. It was five months I felt at my worst, and the long holidays ( Australia) couldn't come too soon. In a way it was good to be at work, but too soon as well, if you know what I mean. What Timeforabiscuit said is so true.

All the best, chocolate thanks

chocolatecosmos Mon 02-Jan-17 21:45:15

I will talk to the Gp. I took them a long time ago. I am still in the admin as well but can only handle a few jobs a day. How are you now Hellenbach? Really I realise I have been expecting too much of myself as reading your post, I do know that 9 months is really no time. Thanks for taking the time to help.

serialtester Mon 02-Jan-17 21:50:15

5 weeks? And you've had to deal with Christmas etc? You need more time my lovely. Please see your GP and get signed off. I'm so sorry for your loss.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Mon 02-Jan-17 21:53:17

5 weeks is early doors. Be kind to yourself. The longer you take now to be ready, the better you will cope
Your boys need you around, what about asking for morning sessions only in a few weeks?

TribbleTrouble Mon 02-Jan-17 21:56:15

Your entire world has just been upended, you need to take time out. Did you have an insurance policy in place that can help take the pressure off financially? I hope the GP is helpful.

BakeOffBiscuits Mon 02-Jan-17 21:57:50

I agree with everyone else, 5 weeks so no time at all!

"Right now I have my best face which l manage for an hour or two"

You really need to get signed off until you can manage to concentrate for longer. What you're going through is normal, I can't believe your HT thought you'd be back before Xmas!

chocolatecosmos Mon 02-Jan-17 22:18:31

Really I realise I have been expecting too much of myself as reading your post, I do know that it is really no time. I just really needed to hear it. I know I couldn't care for the boys, myself and do my normal job right now. Hellenbach, thanks for taking the time to help. I just read your thread and am so sorry for what you have gone through. The last year was hard for us with uncertainty and hospital stays. It is really hard to see someone you love have to deal with the worry and stress. My husband was really depressed and withdrawn
towards the end and I realise he was probably more aware than I was about what was was happening. He must have been so worried about the children and not seeing them grow up.

SingaSong12 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:22:24

Nothing to add but best wishes flowers

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Mon 02-Jan-17 22:26:19

Sweetheart, 5 weeks is nothing, nothing at all 💐

You're definitely expecting way too much of yourself. I think you should get yourself signed off for this term, at least. Your HT is being unbelievably naive/nasty to have expected you back before Christmas. I'm guessing they've not had a significant bereavement.

Apart from what YOU need, your boys need you. You don't have enough to cope yourself, be there for your boys & teach and no one should expect you to.

You need to be kind to yourself my Lovely 🍫💐

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: