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I will not be having a merry Christmas.

(25 Posts)
endofthelinefinally Sat 24-Dec-16 14:35:11

My son died 4 months ago.
Why do people who know this send me messages saying "Have a wonderful/happy Christmas and a joyous/happy new year"?
I am not going to have either of those. I am grief stricken and heartbroken because my son is dead. I will never see him again. My life will never be the same.

MustTidyUpMustTidyUp Sat 24-Dec-16 14:35:58

flowers xxxx

Chillyegg Sat 24-Dec-16 14:36:49

Oh my darling flowers

originalmavis Sat 24-Dec-16 14:38:47

I'm sorry - it's crap and sone times of the year are worse. Don't let want bugger try to jolly you up, and don't feel that you 'right' to do anything. Do what makes you feel right.

Moonshine86 Sat 24-Dec-16 14:38:48

That is truly awful. I hope you have people around you to support you through this difficult time.


MollyRedskirts Sat 24-Dec-16 14:39:43

I am so so sorry for your loss.

FeralBeryl Sat 24-Dec-16 14:40:25

I am truly sorry for the loss of your lovely son flowers
It's an especially trying time of year for bereaved people.
We lost my DF just before Christmas last year, the amount of people that vocalised 'at least you've got Christmas to look forwards to' was astounding.
I hope it passes as gently as possible for you x

zen1 Sat 24-Dec-16 14:40:31

You're right, that is thoughtless and your life won't be the same without him. I am sorry about your sonflowers

OhTheRoses Sat 24-Dec-16 14:40:56

No, it won't be the same again but Christmas is the hardest first milestone for most of us. Your friends have been thoughtless but probably not on purpose. Remember premature death has become one of the last taboos in our modern society. I am just back from the cemetery to say happy Christmas to mine and it was 19 years ago; it still hurts but not in the raw agonising way it used to.

Today we at least have forums and can chat about these things. Do you want to tell us about your son? flowers

Wordsaremything Sat 24-Dec-16 14:41:35

I'm so sorry. People can be so thoughtless. Xxx

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sat 24-Dec-16 14:41:59

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

glindathegoodfairy Sat 24-Dec-16 14:42:47

So sorry for your loss OP flowers

gottachangethename1 Sat 24-Dec-16 14:43:47

So terribly sorry op. My heart goes out to you. When my brother died, I remember my mum just focusing on getting through the day an hour at a time. flowers

KittyandTeal Sat 24-Dec-16 14:45:09

I'm so, so sorry. We have suffered 2 pregnancy losses over the past 2 years (22 weeks and 14 weeks) I feel very unchristmassy.

My friends wife died yesterday. They have an 18mo. I am hrpeart broken for them.

I find the whole 'feeling festive' 'have a wonderful Christmas blah blah' stuff particularly grating this year.

My message this year is: while Christmas is a joyful and wonderful time for many, at this time I am thinking of all my friends who are missing someone in their lives, be that a baby who didn't arrive, a child, parent, partner or sibling. You are always in my thoughts. 💐💜

carabos Sat 24-Dec-16 14:53:35

My friend is experiencing this. She lost her daughter in the summer and has been upset and disconcerted at receiving Xmas cards saying "Hope you guys have a fab time at Xmas" and more along those lines, especially from people who are close friends and should know better.

MadisonAvenue Sat 24-Dec-16 14:57:31

So very sorry for your loss and so sad that people are so thoughtless.

I always take care when sending cards to people who've been bereaved in recent times, I have some photographic ones which have no wording on the inside or out so I can write a message of my own inside. "Thinking of you at this time of year" sort of thing.

flowers for you

1234hello Sat 24-Dec-16 15:49:21

I agree this is very thoughtless of people. I guess they write their cards on auto-pilot, which doesnt really excuse it. I dont blame you in the slightest for being upset/cross about it. People are really stupid sometimes.

DollyPlastic Sat 24-Dec-16 15:52:02

Very thoughtless, and I'm sure it must really hurt.

I try very hard to make sure I don't send anything which could be insensitive but am certain your friends would be really horrified if they realised they had upset you.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Sat 24-Dec-16 16:10:36

Sorry for your loss. I agree, those cards are thoughtless, especially the first Christmas. Why wouldn't they send a blank card with some nice handwritten words in. I know Clinton's cards do more appropriate cards for just this situation.

endofthelinefinally Tue 27-Dec-16 02:39:33

Thank you all for making me feel better.
I have written to a couple of friends who have also lost loved ones recently.
I have told them I am thinking of them and hoping they will manage Christmas in the best way they can.
No way would I wish them a merry Christmas or happy holidays etc. It is so insensitive.
This isn't even just friends - it is family members too.
It has left me thinking that I really don't know these people s well as I thought.
WRT the family members it has made me feel as if they didn't really care about my son either.
It has just made everything seem worse somehow. sad

UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas Tue 27-Dec-16 02:41:44

People are selfish. I doubt they mean any malice not that that's any consolation.

I'm sorry about your son, no one should have too lose a child it's unbearable flowers

Starsandcars9 Tue 27-Dec-16 02:43:29

I'm so sorry about your son. This time of year is rubbish and people can be so thoughtless.

ChishandFips33 Tue 27-Dec-16 03:11:11

I'msorry to hear this OP. flowers

Some people just write cards by rote, not thinking of the individual it's addressing

bigbluebus Tue 27-Dec-16 14:42:06

Some people just don't know how to respond. My DD died 3 weeks ago. There are people who have avoided us as they didn't know what to say - until we approached them first.

The writing of Christmas cards is often done on auto pilot if you have a lot to write, so some people will sadly not have given your situation a second thought and just written their usual words. Others will foolishly think that you will be 'getting over it' after 4 months - they will be people who have never been in your situation. I don't think the majority are being intentionally thoughtless.

I feel the pain of your loss OP but I try not to read too much into the reactions and behaviours of others around me - everyone reacts and responds differently - some get it just right, others are more clumsy.

caz323 Tue 27-Dec-16 15:34:17

I agree with bigbluebus.I think a lot of people simply don't know what to say for the best. A dear friend of mine unintentionally upset me last year. Having lost my beloved Mum in late July 2015, I was dreading my 1st Xmas without her. Imagine my reaction when this friend Txtd in December & asked in a jolly tone if I was 'all ready for Xmas?'! It was a stupid thing to ask. I do honestly think it's because some people just don't know what to say in these difficult times. My heart goes out to you. So very sorry for your loss.

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