I've lost my partner, everything, what do i do now?(12 Posts)
Hi, sorry to bother you all and i'm sorry if this is on the wrong forum. I'm really lost and i have nobody else to talk to.
My partner passed away 3 months ago unexpectedly. Naturally it was a huge shock, he was always fit and healthy, always looked after himself and one night we were talking he was alive and then he wasn't. I still can't get my head around it all and i'm finding it so hard to believe it isn't some sort of big joke, that he'll come back from work and be all "surprise". I know that wont happen, but i can't stop my head from thinking it. He was the love of my life and i miss him more now that i ever did.
Anyway, since he passed obviously the household income has fallen and i don't work at the moment. What help am i able to get? I hate saying this because i always feel like i'm blaming him,but i'm really not, there was no life insurance and we only had £1500 roughly of savings which went towards funeral costs.
I have a 9 year old son who has decided he is now the man of the house (i've told him so many times that he is my responsibly, not the other way round) and has returned or sold all his Christmas presents, unknown to me, so we would have money for heat, light and food. He's asked for us to not celebrate Christmas this year, i don't even know if i should be respecting his wishes or should i do something just to make a bit of an effort? I've not even put the tree up let alone bought any Christmas food.
Currently we have £60 a week to live off which is child benefit and child tax credits, luckily a friend helped me get housing benefit and council tax credits. It's the only thing i've managed to sort out, and even then i couldn't sort it on my own. I've not eaten properly in weeks just so my son has food, but i think he knows this as he will always leave leftovers for me. You have no idea of the guilt i have eating those left overs.
What do i do now? I have a depressed 9 year old who wont even let me comfort him, i'm on auto pilot only just keeping it together, i've no money, hardly any food week to week. I send him to my mums every weekend just so he can have some time away from me and so he's warm and can eat. I've honestly thought about letting him stay there permanently, and at one point i thought he'd be better off without me. Luckily i'm not at that point anymore but i still feel equally low inside.
I'm not too sure what i'm looking for right now if i'm honest. Advice, comfort, someone who's been through this? I don't know. All i know is that me and my son should be mourning our loss, but we can't, not right now.
Thank you for listening x
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have no experience but couldn't leave your post unanswered.
Go on gov webpage entitled to.gov.co.uk (or similar think it's called that,
Make appointment with citizens advice
Call council explain you're recently bereaved and request council tax adjustment to single adult reduction
What is your housing position- mortgage rent etc?
Very tough. You need to reach out to real people. It is good he goes to your family, maybe you can go to. In time I suppose you will find it easier to cope and be able to get a job, but take it day by day. Good luck.
I don't know much about the finances but others will be able to help you. I'm so sorry this has happened, it's really awful and unfair.
Small steps. Maybe this Christmas you could tell your son that you are proud of what he did and you are both in it together (while keeping unsuitable worries adult side as much as possible without him knowing). Make a plan for Christmas Day that keeps you out if the house and maybe avoids the Christmas dinner thing. Could you do a daytrip somewhere beautiful and bring a picnic of favourite food to eat over there? You could bring a small gift for him to give there 'because he's special and loved', without it feeling too like Christmas. Then maybe head back to your mums after they've finished the traditional stuff to get warm and be with family for a few hrs without the pressure of a whole Christmas Day thing.
Sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your partner, I'm sure you're still in shock. The first year or so seems a bit blurry and unreal, like you've stepped foot into someone else's life, I used to think DH was at the hospital and would be home soon.
Useful contacts, winstons wish, they help support and advise on child bereavement, they have lots of useful books too.
WAY, widowed and young, I found them very helpful when I was widowed @43, they have a huge membership covering all areas, they have lots of get togethers and include children on the annual centre park trip, has a supportive online community, you have to pay to join but I think it's well worth it, I've made life long friends from there.
As for benefits
There is a non means tested death allowance one off payment of £2000, im not sure how long you get to claim it.
The other thing to look at is widowed parent allowance, I believe that the law has changed on that so you can claim if you weren't married, it's over £100 a week until your child finishes education.
Take care, eat drink breathe and sleep are the essentials right now.
First of all, thank you all for your replies and support. It means so much to me right now. Sorry, i had to read and run this morning but i'll answer your replies now.
I've managed to get a doctors appointment for both me and my son for next Tuesday and hopefully we can get some form of counselling, we both need it i think him more than me. He's become so quiet and reserved over the past few weeks, even more so now with it being the first Christmas without his dad.
Unfortunately there was no will, i'm not entitled to widowed allowance as we weren't married and his work are unable to help. I'll check out Citizens Advice in a little bit to see what i can do. I've been into the job center though and i basically have no option but to go back into work as all i'm entitled to is Job Seekers. I've managed to get that started and should receive a decision just after New Years so fingers crossed for that. The foodbank is only open on a Tuesday so i'm hoping that when i see the doctor next week then i can get a voucher for it. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about having to use one but i've no choice.
Luckily i'm in a council flat so my friend sorted out the housing benefit and council tax benefit on a nil income form which has helped. I'm glad i'm not having to deal with any sort of eviction right now.
My mother has been really supportive emotionally and i know she would help me financially if she could but she only gets a basic pension, she's also going to a trip with friends for Christmas. She said she'd stay home but i told her to go because it's been booked for months as i don't want to ruin her Christmas too.
I've found (or it feels) that my friends have been pretty much distant since the weeks after the funeral. But i understand that they have their own lives to live, i just wish they'd remember the help, support and money i've given them over the years. Not that i've ever asked for anything in return, i'm not that way inclined, but just for them to return my phone calls or to send a quick text, a letter, something. Maybe i'm asking too much. I don't even go on Facebook anymore because it saddens me to see them all so happy and out together. But like i say, their life has to move on.
I'll ask my son again to see if he'll just consider a couple of decorations maybe, unfortunatly i can't afford any presents or Christmas food for him now but i've promised him that as soon as i have a job, i'll buy everything again and we'll have a little dinner. I think i'll stand by his wishes and not make too much of a fuss though. I think that's why he likes going to my mothers, she has treated him exactly the same as she always has done all the way through this ( if that makes sense). Since his dad died i've become so worrisome over everything he does. Last week he complained of a pain in his neck and shoulder and my head automatically thought "my son is dying". I think i get on his nerves a bit now.
I'm so sorry if my reply is depressing and i'm sorry it's so long. I get a bit carried away as apart from my mum, i've literally nobody else to talk to about this. Again, thank you all so much for your replies, links (i will look at them, i promise) and well wishes. It means so much that you'd take the time out to talk to me especially when you must all be so busy with Christmas and family. It does mean a lot to me.
Also, thank you for sharing your stories with me too, now know how hard it can be to open up about it. It means more that anything to me that you'd share that part of your life with me.
Thank you x
Glad you've got some advice. Start with CAB, for sure. Also contact Winston's Wish regarding your son. And have a think about joining WAY - it doesn't matter that you weren't married.
Unfortunately the cliche that you discover who your real friends are at time like this is true. I hit breaking point and started asking for help and some made excuses and I never really heard from them again. Other turned up to let me cry on their shoulder, brought meals, gave my kids lifts, or helped me with the myriad of paperwork. So I would really encourage you to reach it and ask for the help that you need.
Thinking of you.
I'm sorry to read this.
Could you go to your mum's for Christmas day? If your son likes it there it may be a good way to spend the day?
Also I highly recommend Winston s wish. They are an excellent charity for bereaved children.
I felt compelled to join mumsnet and reply to you. Even if I can't change any of your circumstances, I've recently lost someone dear to me, it's a huge understatement to say that it's awful.
I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that you must be going through and I sincerely hope that things can start becoming better.
Don't apologise for your sincere long posts - they are so sobering and instructing even though the content is really sad.
As for your friends, sadly, as someone else posted, we have to realise who our compassionate and helpful friends are the hard way, many of us don't have any, it's just always sad to realise it. I'm sure the new path you're forced to walk will bring you across people who are more willing to help, more compassionate and who can perhaps share some of the awful pain you're feeling now.
Please don't give up, I can imagine that it must all feel like it's too much, but you have a young boy who you've got to be strong for and even though you've been handed these awful cards, it's your choices and effort now that will help shape how the future of your son will be.
Remember that something which can resist harsh conditions is called "strong" - If you get through this, somehow, that is how you and your son will be.
I wish I had more to offer, I wish I could bring a smile to you or your son's face.
Was he in a work pension scheme with a death in service benefit?
OP your son sounds like such a lovely boy. I assume he wasn't your partner's son?Because if so you would potentially be able to make a claim on any estate for his upbringing even if there is no will. But if not that isn't much help.
It sounds like an awful shock and a nightmare of a situation. Just one thing though, we had a really shocking family bereavement this year, and one of the effects it has had on my 7yo is she worries about me dying as the seemingly healthy other family member did. I think you not eating etc to ensure ds can is likely to be really worrying for him as you are his world. Far more important than Christmas presents. I think you looking after yourself is probably as important to him as you looking after him - does that make sense?
So sorry for your loss, OP.
I can't offer any advice as such, I just wanted to hold your hand and tell you that you are not alone. Your DS sounds like an amazing little boy.
Please don't be ashamed of relying on food banks at the moment. That is what they are there for. I do hope that you have managed to get some parcels, and I hope that your visit to the GP has helped you in some way.
Sending you and your son strength and light, and good wishes for the new year. xx
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