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Feelings Hurt by RL friends

(28 Posts)
StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 12:06:14

Hello all, was wondering if people could tell me what their RL friends (and family) did when they heard about your m/c?
I mean did you get cards, texts, calls, mails etc?

My friends and family have known since Weds and have not heard from anyone except a call from my mum.

I did send a mail to my BF who lives abroad and she has sent a mail back, telling me to 'not think about things too much'

I know it's dopey, but I am getting very sensitive about it now and am also getting very mad and emotional.

I know my losses are not important to other people, but surely they can see that they are important to me?
Suppose I was looking for some sort of gesture - I very much hope other people the support they needed?

Miaou Sat 17-Feb-07 12:09:47

I think it's a sad fact that when people don't know what to say, they don't say anything at all. I'm sorry you are not getting more RL support ST ((((((((hug)))))))))

ggglimpopo Sat 17-Feb-07 12:09:56

Message withdrawn

KezzaG Sat 17-Feb-07 12:12:46

I think this is quite usual, and people dont really know what to say. Until I had exeprienced a mc I would never have appreciated how devestating it is.

I had one friend who sent me flowers and it was the nicest thing she could have done, she was never scared to ask me about it and I appreciate her friendship all the more. No one else talked about it for fear of upsetting me.

I hope you find someone who can offer a but of support and if not dont be scared to start a conversation with your friends and tell them you need some help.

penpal Sat 17-Feb-07 12:21:03

I was in the same position when I lost at 22 weeks. Logically I knew my friends and family didn't know what to say but they also didn't want to talk about it when I tried. I'm afraid I have distanced myself from those friends - I was in pieces and this hurt me so much. Friends I didn't know too well were the ones who helped most by offering to have my DS and DD for tea or playdates to give me 'space', or even popped round with flowers. Hope you're doing OK. Time makes it easier but you never get over miscarriage. I lost my first pregnancy at 7 weeks and was in pieces with that one as well....

Aloveheart Sat 17-Feb-07 12:26:43

i lost one at 6 weeks, everyone's attitude was that it was just a bunch of cells. Yes maybe so but in my head i thought of it as a baby. I have two children so never even dreamed of mc. That was 5 months ago now. Still cry about it.
I hadn't been with my dp that long when i fell pregnant. My dad's reaction was 'it was probaby for the best' and if you get pregnant again i will be cross, bearing in mine i'm 27 now, not 14. My mum was ok came on the day it happened but said you know these things happen and she's sure i;ll go on to have another ohe. I feel selfish for wanting moer because i have two and there are people out there that can't have any. But i would like one with my dp, my children are his step kids. And although he loves them, it's not the same i feel. I think you grieve for what could have been.

StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 12:38:40

Thank you very much for posting and sharing everyone, and I am very sorry for all your personal losses.

I do know that people don't know what to say to me and agree completely that unless you have experienced m/c or loss like this, you don't really know how it affects you and your life.
I'm normally very pragmatic (hard faced even) so I think that also impacts how my friends treat me, they think I'm OK and I suppose I'm not prepared to admit that I'm not.

I just don't feel people get it though - my boss has sent me some flowers and my Mum said 'what are they for?'

Thanks again everyone.

suzycreamcheese Sat 17-Feb-07 12:38:41

strangetown
am so truly sorry to hear this...hope you are doing alright..
dont have any real advice apart from people find death so hard to talk about generally..
your losses are important, you would be really strange to feel anything but grief and pain in this situation...give yourself time

you do tend to find out who your pals are in these tough times...

Mumpbump Sat 17-Feb-07 12:43:04

I agree that they probably don't know quite what to say and so aren't saying anything. I only told two people outside the family about my first m/c face to face and they were both sympathetic at the time, but didn't say anything afterwards. I think people take their lead from you so if you started talking about it, they would respond because they would know you were okay with talking. Otherwise, they will skirt around the issue because they won't want to hurt you. I am sure they don't mean to hurt you and, if you want to talk about it with your rl friends, I would just seize the bull by the horns and bring it up yourself...

On the other hand, you could just talk to those of us who know what you're going through... You left the October antenatal thread just before I posted on it and I was sorry to see your news as I know what you've been through. The loss of a child (living or unborn) is so difficult to come to terms with, ime, at least...

StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 12:43:09

Thanks Suzy, death is very difficult to talk about. This has made me determined never to shy away from it in RL and just to say in as clear and open way as possible, how sorry I am for people's losses and at some point let them know I am I am there if they want help or to talk about it.
So many people mumble or say nothing and I don't want to be one of them anymore.

StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 12:45:32

Thanks Mumpbump - I hope everyone is well on the Oct thread, just keeping my distance at the moment, for self preservation reasons, but I do wholeheartedly wish everyone on there the best for them and their babies.

Mumpbump Sat 17-Feb-07 12:46:23

On that note, can I just hijack the thread momentarily to say sorry to ggglimpopo because exactly this happened when I heard about Maude - words seemed so inadequate so I never posted to express my sympathy and sorrow for her loss and I regret that now... So, ST - your thread is particularly relevant to me...

Mumpbump Sat 17-Feb-07 12:48:32

ST - I was posting on the July antenatal thread before my second m/c and have not yet officially joined the October one (haven't added my stats anyway) because it was so horrible to have to leave and know that they were mostly going to be carrying on to successful pg on without me. I will be happy for those who have their babies in July, but I haven't looked at the threads since because I think it would be like picking a scab...

StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 12:50:31

Yes that's exactly it, picking at a scab.

suzycreamcheese Sat 17-Feb-07 12:50:32

good for you...you sound strong strangey.. and i truly believe if someone is thought of and spoken about then they are never really gone ifykwim...

but i do make a point of speaking to people about death as it shouldn't be bottled up..

have you thought about planting tree or something to remember your little baby by?
it might help?
i cant imagine your pain..your loss and this response...take care of yourself sweetie x

StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 12:52:24

Well, I planted some bulbs last time, they are a lovely deep purple and are called 'Remembrance'. The shoots are just coming through now and it has been nice to see them, but also a bit much if you know what I mean...so not sure yet.

raspberries Sat 17-Feb-07 12:53:41

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Most people I knew were exactly that same towards me and dh after I had a m/c. I found what really helped was talking to other people who had been through the same thing, I didn't feel like anyone else really understood what a real and devasting loss it was to us. Also agree lots of people don't know what to say so don't say anything.

Kbear Sat 17-Feb-07 12:59:58

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Hoping not to sound insensitive here....

I think from a lot of people's perspective m/c is common and they perhaps don't understand the grief a couple can feel at the loss of an unborn child. They didn't know the baby like you did of course, it was part of you. But unlike a child that is born, it wasn't part of them. Therefore they don't "feel" the pain the way you do.

My friend had two ectopics. She dealt with it her way, her DH and DD closed ranks and along with my family (we are close), dealt with their grief and probably still do, in their own way. From memory, their parents and siblings weren't overly involved and the parents were quite dismissive of it in fact. My friend was hurt but again, dealt with it her way.

Forgive their insensitivity, don't let it detract from how you deal with your grief and try not to let the anger overtake how you feel.

I hope this helps, from an outsider's point of view.

StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 13:03:46

Thanks KBear. I do know what you mean. I definitely don't want my friends to feel the loss the way I do.
I think I would just like them to contact me and acknowledge that I am hurting, not for them to hurt IYSWIM?

StrangeTown Sat 17-Feb-07 13:05:35

Anyway, I am getting over myself now and going out for a bit.

Thanks for posts, this is defintely the most posting I have ever done on MN and it has helped.
STx

Kbear Sat 17-Feb-07 13:06:49

People that do care are sometimes scared they will make you feel worse or put their foot in it. Could you make the first move? Could you ring a few mates and have a chat about it and then they might be forthcoming with the support and sympathy you are looking for. Perhaps they think you need time alone or whatever.

Any bereavement is a sensitive subject that scares most of us and we don't know how best to deal with it.

jules99 Sat 17-Feb-07 20:20:22

ST

i am so sorry for your loss and i understand where you are coming from...

i have recently been through the same thing and often felt like my close friends, the ones who knew, didnt really get how hard i was finding it.

i have come up with a number of possible reasons for this and i hope it helps you.

1) those who have never suffered a misscarrage took the 'just a bundle of cells' theory (whats all the fuss over?)

2) worried they may upset me even further by mentioning it over and over again (not knowing what to say theory)

3) upset themselves as they too have had very sad losses (just in different ways throry) and it is difficult for them to talk about grief

4) have i really told them how bad i am feeling (is it my fault theory?) and then maybe they would have been more supportive

5) too busy with their own problems to get involved in mine (in a nice way theory)

its really tough and my advice is keep posting when you feel sad, talk to your mum, she will always be there, as was mine for me!

and look after yourself even on the worst days x x x

jules99 Sat 17-Feb-07 20:24:44

ps...

at one point i am ashamed to say i did have a 'they are crap freinds theory' but after talking to them and realising my hormones were bouncing on a trampoline i dismissed it...

i hope this is the same for you x x x

StrangeTown Sun 18-Feb-07 11:25:34

Thanks Jules - lovely posts. I'm sorry about your loss too, saw your other thread. I hope that today is a good day. Are you thinking of trying again, or not sure yet Jules? I found it hard to think of trying again the first time and hard to decide how many cycles to wait post ERPC.

I actually saw my friends yesterday, none of them mentioned it or asked me anything.
Later on I saw another friend, not one of my close friends, but someone I have known a long time and she was fantastic, very genuine and asked appropriate questions and let me talk basically. Just had 5 mins and then talked about other things, but it was very useful and I felt better after, just taken seriously. I think my BF overheard us talking and then tried to talk to me after about the m/c but she was obviously very uncomfortable so I let it go. I know she tried and that's all that matters

jules99 Mon 19-Feb-07 00:29:19

hiya ST

i am glad you managed to find a friend who you felt you could talk to, i have started to open up a little bit and found now my friends know how bad i am feeling (even if they dont understand themselves, and i hope they never will) are starting to rally round and are trying to get where i am coming from.

it is so hard and in answer to your question, when will you try again? i honestly dont know...

we have been intimate (sorry if tmi) since, even though it took a while for me to get my head around, it was so much fun trying first time and now seems so sad we are having to trying again

i am due tommorrw and not expecting anything other than a normal bleed (again sorry if tmi)

still finding it hard to feel sexy, positive and optimistic but i am sure this will get easier when the feeling of grief finally goes away (i know it never will but you know what i mean)

keep in touch...

wishing you a happy heart and a peaceful soul x x x

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