My Dad die on Wednesday and I still can't grieve

[Mistiek]

Hello All,

My farther died on wednesday after fighting cancer for 5 years. We though we were loosing him on Monday which really shocked me as he sounded so well last week... I cried quite a bit on Monday night but then things started looking up. I managed to make my way to Coventry (from South Coast)and was able to say goodbye on Tuesday.

Things were looking up but we lost him on Wednesday at 13:05. I was already back home so was not there when it happened and knew already on Wednesday morning that he had slipped into a coma and that it would only be a matter of time.

I am now very worried and feeling really guilty as I am unable to cry about the whole thing. I have only know my dad for 4 years but have always felt very close to him... I was the apple of his eye and I am my farthers child through and through and our bond has always been strong.

Why can I not grieve for him? I am so worried it will hit me like a ton of bricks in time, I am 34 weeks pregnant and just dont want it to affect my baby in anyway and am affraid if I dont deal with it now it will only be worse. Help - Any Advice please? Or is it normal to feel this way knowing that he was terminaly ill...

[loujay]

Hello Mistiek,
Can I first say how sorry I am for your loss. It is incredibly hard to lose someone that you are close to no matter how ill they are.
Grieving will happen, but it may take time. You have cried already and that is good,and you are now grieving in your own way. This does not always involve crying, wailing etc etc.
The best thing I could advise (having been there with my mum 2 years ago) is to say what you are feeling, whenever you are feeling it, to those closest to you. Dont try to bottle it up, dont try to be strong for your baby, just go with the flow.
I hope this makes sense??
Especially dont worry about this affecting your baby, the more you worry, the worst it becomes (if you see what I mean).
It may be worth looking at some bereavement counselling, I found it incredibly helpful to tell all my feelings to someone not really involved.
In all of this, bear in mind that it has only been 2 days since your Father passed away, and that there are no right or wrong ways to feel.
Sending you love
Lou

[Mistiek]

Hey Loujay

Thanks for the message. I may just look inot counselling... that may help me make sense of it all.

[mears]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Please don't worry tha there is a proper way to grieve - everyone is different. In some ways his death is a relief and blessing as he has been ill for so long - perhaps that is the over riding feeling at the moment. You may find that the funeral will be an upsetting time. Your baby will not be harmed Mistiek. Certainly if it is concerning you then speaking to a counsellor may help you come to terms with it all. Best wishes, mears.

[tribpot]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Although nothing similar happened during my pregnancy (dh's grandpa died but I barely knew him and he was v old and infirm) I do remember a sense of unreality about 'bad things' as if my brain was trying to prevent me from understanding them. I think there was a desperately sad case of a baby dying in a hospital near me of MRSA or similar, and I literally could not think about it. The desire to protect the baby is paramount.

I think this is definitely the time to look into counselling; a friend of mine had a very rough time after her dd was born, because her mum had died at a very similar time to you. It was hard to get health visitors to take her seriously because they simply fobbed the difficult feelings off on "well your mum has just died so that's it", which didn't help at all.

[kimi]

Oh mistiek, im so sorry for your loss.
My father in law had a stroke some years back and we were at the hospital non stop for 8 days and nights, After being told by the hospital staff he was holding his own (and after another very long night) DH1 and i went home to freashen up and MIL, SIL and BIL went to the hospital canteen to get some food. FIL passed away while we were all gone.

DH1 has never really forgiven himself, but as i pointed out he did get to say goodbye to his dad, we got a phone call when i was 12 to say my dad had died.

Your tears will come, and when the do (even if its at tesco fish counter) let them.
You have a lovely new life to look forward to, and as hard as it is now and as unfair as it is
you will get through it.
Talk to someone, it will help,

[linjasmom]

Hi Mistiek, I am very sorry for your loss! My Ma (55), who was my very best friend, died very suddenly two years ago when I was 18 weeks pg, so I think I kind of know what you feel like. If you don't feel much right now, that's oK, it will come. I found it important that I did not suppress any feelings because I thought that might be more harmful to the baby than grieving. There will be good days, bad days, horrible days.... Pregnancy also causes us to "delay" grief in a way to protect the baby. I was really devastated, but still I managed, and many people (dh, Pa, friends....) wondered how "well" (regarding the circumstances) I was doing. I had a very bad time some time after my dd was born and even weaned and everything was going smoothly. Then it REALLY hit me, in terms of dealing with it with now baby inside, breastfeeding issues or anything. Sorry, long post, I hope I make sense. Take care!!

[Mistiek]

Thanks everyone for the messages...
I have had quite an emotional weekend and cried a bit on Friday night. My emotions are everywhere at the moment... I thought I had a show over the weekend but had a check up and baby is fine.
I have loads to keep me busy this week as my son is away with my mom in South Africa still, so this week is the last week I have to get the last minute things organised for the new baby. The funeral is on Monday 26th - I think it will hit us all then...

[ledodgy]

Sorry for your loss Mistiek. I have lost both my parents so know what you are going through. Remember everything you are feeling now is normal cry when you feel like crying, laugh when you feel like laughing there is no correct way to grieve. You will probably feel like you're on autopilot for a while. Make sure you have lots of support around you especially for after the baby is born and let your gp and Hv know that you have lost your dad so they are aware you have alot to cope with right now. Take care. x

[Wilbur]

So very sorry for your loss, Mistiek. I'm sure you are in shock right now, and yes there will be some very sad times ahead. You will probably find that focussing on your baby in the months ahead helps you cope with your grief in some ways. My father died when my dd was 9 weeks old, and although it was a horrendous time, I do feel that she "saved" me in a way, kept me going at a time when I just wanted to curl up and die. Take care of yourself and I hope the funeral is peaceful for you and perhaps even comforting.