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How has grief changed you?

(193 Posts)
alazuli Wed 30-Nov-16 15:52:05

Before my mum died I always believed everything happened for a reason even bad things and that the universe had your back and it would all turn out for the best. Now... I can't see how my mum dying can ever have an upside or teach me something positive. I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.

If anything it's taught me that bad things happen for no good reason and the world just keeps on turning.

Bagina Wed 30-Nov-16 15:57:08

People are like machines: sometimes they're not built properly or they break; it doesn't make a difference if you're good or bad. Personally I think you get more out of life if you're kind.

Ultimately grief has made me hard. I struggle to keep it hidden everyday which isn't very healthy, and it doesn't make me very happy.

We're only here for a bit so may as well make the most of it.

IveBecomeSoNumb Wed 30-Nov-16 15:58:23

Grief has absolutely ruined me. I'm a shell of the person I was before.

UntilTheCowsComeHome Wed 30-Nov-16 16:02:47

I've become cynical, angry, easily upset, prone to extreme mood swings, anxious, depressed, forgetful, needy and lonely.

Grief is just a total bastard.

alazuli Wed 30-Nov-16 16:20:13

'Grief is just a total bastard.' x 100 yes!

I'm so sorry you're all feeling this way. I've also become very anxious, depressed and easily irritated lately. Actually I feel close to breaking point at times.

When do I get to the bit where I realise life's too short, I need to make the most of it and enjoy it...? Cause at the moment it all feels completely pointless.

Bagina Wed 30-Nov-16 16:35:09

When do I get to the bit where I realise life's too short, I need to make the most of it and enjoy it...?

It's harnessing this that's the tricky thing. I get anxious and depressed and end up stressing out over all the mundane minutiae.

Do something really radical. Do something you actually want to do. Can you be a bit reckless? (In a positive way). I jacked it all in and had a couple of years out travelling. I don't think anything helps more than escaping your environment and testing yourself. I also retrained for a new career. I felt like I was going to die any second so wanted to tick off my bucket list. So I guess, just do something different. Be someone different. Get away from it all. Plan for something different/exciting/special.

NickyEds Wed 30-Nov-16 16:50:06

Grief has taught me to really treasure what I have. Conversely it has given me a very, very deep seated fear that I will lose someone unexpectedly or suddenly. It has been much worse since having children. Dp has never been bereaved (he went to his first and only funeral of an old colleague last year at 37) and he has a kind of lightness (??)that I don't think I ever will. So whilst I don't think losing my mum has had an upside as such, it has made me a more kind, considerate and tolerant person- it's just that the down sides aren't worth it sad

debska Wed 30-Nov-16 16:53:44

I try and think of my mums death as part of her story and I was lucky to have to have her for the time she was here. Grief is a bitch. I remember looking at old people or people with their mums and hating them. It does get easier but it is always there .

originalmavis Wed 30-Nov-16 16:56:12

It chips away. You bounce back - but a little less every time.

I'm a right old cow now!

pnutter Wed 30-Nov-16 16:56:42

I feel more angry and more depressed in general. It turns the world on its head.

FrankAndBeans Wed 30-Nov-16 16:56:59

Grief has taught me that bad things happen to good people. Grief also taught me to hold my partner close, be kinder, more forgiving. Grief means that every time anyone dies, even people I've barely met I will feel that grief like it is brand new again. For them, with them.

flowers for everyone.

GissASquizz Wed 30-Nov-16 17:00:45

That we have all these words, but none of them really pin the feeling down. It's more a sound. A throat burning moan. And it doesn't matter who's with you, you go through it alone.

Lottapianos Wed 30-Nov-16 17:01:08

Very good thread idea. I've been deep in grief for the last 2-3 years, slowly coming out the outside. It's been hell but I feel like I've learned so much from it. I'm so much more grateful for the good things in life, every day. I'm a much better listener, and much better able to hear and acknowledge other people's pain. I'm less freaked out by feelings, my own and other people's. I'm kinder but harder too

My grief was not due to bereavement, but rather family estrangement and my own decision to not be a parent, which feels right buy also feels like a loss

SeaweedSa1ad Wed 30-Nov-16 17:01:43

I feel that grief colours every aspect of my life, it's always there threatening to break through.

However I think it's made me more empathetic and tolerant of other people, more sensitive to their unhappiness.

I'm not at the stage of taking control of my life and living it, even though it's bleeding obvious that life is short and we all die.

Grief has confirmed the meaningless of life for me. I try not to dwell on this.

MrsSthe3rd Wed 30-Nov-16 17:03:48

Grief (and the circumstances) has led to my ptsd.

I am nowhere near the same person I was, before the incident.

I know people say it, but, I feel like I've lost a part of me - I honestly believe that too.

MarianneSolong Wed 30-Nov-16 17:07:02

I have felt grief when close friends died. I would regard this as 'good' grief. Though I miss them, I am glad to have had their friendship and have happy memories of time spent together.

Some years back my father died. I come from a dysfunctional family and his death served to highlight the depth of the problems - physical abuse, emotional neglect - and the shared unwillingness to examine anything. I would describe this as 'bad' grief.

user1471453601 Wed 30-Nov-16 17:14:56

MissiSSauga, that sounds about spot on from my experience.

I wonder, opening poster, how old your DM was, I get the feeling she may not be very old. In any case, you have my condolences.

My DM was 85, and her death certificate showed cause of death as multiple organ failure. I took that to mean that her body was knackered. She had a "good" death, as far as one can, no pain, just slipped away with her family around her.

A couple of things her death taught me. One is that grief is not like a graph, where the maximum hurt starts at the time of death, and then gets gradually better. The "graph" is much spikeyer than that. One day I would be at peace with her death, next day I'd be a sobbing pile of inconsolable grief.

DMs death also showed me that I don't want to become infirm. For me, it's the quality of life, not the quantity that matters. Easy for me to say now I'm past my mid sixties.

8DaysAWeek Wed 30-Nov-16 17:15:22

I am an entirely different person which is essentially based around the fact that every day I'm reminded that I will never be as happy as I could have been if my mum was alive.

Bad things are made worse by the reminder that worse things have happened, good things are made worse by the reminder that they could have been better if I hadn't lost my mum when she was 49.

Grief is horrendous.

TotalConfucius Wed 30-Nov-16 17:15:25

I feel like I've been through so much grief in my life I must have taken someone else's share (so, to that person who is out there living what seems to be a charmed life, good luck to you!).
It began with a very close relative's death back in the 70s, when I was 10. And it went on, death, severe life-changing or terminal illness, birth of a disabled child (so happy, yet also a grieving process) and on and on through more death, some of those were 'good' deaths, some not so.
I've spent so much time thinking 'well today has been a good day, haven't been anywhere near a hospital' or 'it's been three months, I'm due a dose of lifeshit'.
I know it has affected my ability to form friendships. I know it has made me seem hard to some people, this 'pick yourself up, dust yourself down, start all over again' attitude. But what choice is there? It is always harder on the loved ones left behind, and while I have people to leave behind then I must go on.
But it's not all bad. I know the value of a good belly laugh over something silly. I know the importance of giving the hug - don't think about it, just DO it. I know when to stop and have a walk and look at stuff in the sunshine. I know to take the teenager a cup of tea even when she's just told me I'm the 'worst mother in living history' and called me even worse! It's just not worth taking the risk, especially if you're me.
I don't stand at the graveside and weep, but I think daily and often of those I've lost, and I can say without tears that 'oh, how X or Y or Z would have loved that'.

jimijack Wed 30-Nov-16 17:18:07

The most significant and influential experience of my life was the suicide of my lovely uncle when he was 26 and I was 16.
It completely devastated and ripped up my whole family beyond recognition. It went on for over 20 years. I had never and have never felt pain like it.

I have since lost dearly loved people, had multiple miscarriages and yet the grief I felt at those times comes nowhere near the grief I felt at my uncle's death.

I can't say whether it changed me because I was so young, I don't know if I would have turned out this way had it not happened.
Grief killed my grandmother, his mother. She became chronically ill, depressed and eventually died 14 years later, her death began the moment she was told he had gone. I nursed her in her last 7 years until her death.
It was a relief when she went.

peri89 Wed 30-Nov-16 17:22:30

I'm a lot more sensitive. I'm a lot more careful. I've developed horrendous anxiety but try hard to hide it. I feel like so much of my life is spent making sure my loved ones are safe, I spend a lot of time worrying about it.

They are very unconscious changes but I feel them influence my every day actions. It's changed me at my core but I can't put it into words.

NickyEds Wed 30-Nov-16 17:29:15

8days my mum was 48 when she died but it was 19 years ago now so I'm not sure I'm grieving for her as such. Last year was 18 years since she died when I was 18 so I had been as long without her as I ever had her. Sometimes I think I just miss mum rather than the person she was (she was also very changed by her illness)and then I feel very guilty.

BigFatBollocks Wed 30-Nov-16 18:04:26

That life, for me, will never be the same. There's always someone missing. My dad.
Don't get me wrong, I've got young dc and I get on with it, but fundamentally my life has changed.
BUT life goes on...

kiki22 Wed 30-Nov-16 18:57:32

Its made me empathetic in the extreme I feel greif for others greif I never cried very often until I experienced loss now I can at everything. I never knew what pain was before really now I hate that anyone has to feel it.

Lottapianos Wed 30-Nov-16 19:03:49

Totally agree with the spiky profile of grief. You certainly don't move neatly through stages. It comes and goes and can hit you out of nowhere.

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