Asking how to help my DH

(5 Posts)
PetalMettle Sun 27-Nov-16 16:58:14

My DH lost his younger brother unexpectedly 4 months ago. They were very close and dh was more of a surrogate father figure.
DH is still devestated. He's managing to work but that's it as far as seeing people. He's sad all the time and very vulnerable - things like our son crying really freak him out.
I know all this is natural - do I just need to wait it out?
He's said categorically no counselling.
TIA

BackforGood Mon 28-Nov-16 00:16:35

So sorry for your loss.
IME, yes, grieving takes time.
Personally I thought I "wouldn't be the type" for counselling, but actually found it really helpful.
Grief also hits different people in different ways, and when the person is young, it always seems even more difficult.
For me, talking about the person helped...... X would have loved this..... Do you remember when we went to..... etc. Don't let their name become a name you mustn't mention. Yes, it will bring tears to the fore now, but I don't think you are doing yourself any favours if you don't grieve now, and let things bottle up.

PetalMettle Mon 28-Nov-16 04:48:54

Thanks BfG. He has been trying to avoid talking about him - initially he wouldn't at all which made things like arranging the funeral tough! But we saw another family member last week and he was talking about him and how funny he'd been and my DH seemed OK with that so maybe I should try it more. I may suggest counselling agaik, but I don't want to anger him

Kahlua4me Mon 28-Nov-16 21:21:32

Sorry for your loss.
My mum died in an accident last year, and it has only really been in the last 2 weeks that I have felt any peace.
I found talking, with anybody and everybody, helped me. i talked about how she died and also how I was feeling at any moment.
Cruse were really helpful as it allowed me and hour every week, just for me to let out my pain. I didn't have to worry about the other persons feelings as she did not know my mum so had suffered no loss too.

My dh helped me by simply picking up the things in life I was not doing, playing with kids, arranging meals with others, keeping routine ticking along etc.

I felt unbearably sad for a long time and the tears were constantly behind my eyes.
I had a feeling of a stone/solid lump in my heart that would not shift, others have since said they have had the same so I think it must be a thing. It slowly went away.

The only thing that has really helped is time.

PetalMettle Wed 30-Nov-16 21:00:24

Sorry I've just seen this. Thank you for sharing and sorry for your loss. I guess I need to be more supportive on the practical stuff. It's hard as we weren't getting on particularly well prior to the bereavement

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