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Why are Sunday's so hard?

(20 Posts)
Redissuereader Sun 27-Nov-16 15:48:12

I manage to keep it together for the majority of the week but my baby girl died three weeks ago at 28 weeks and I can't cope with Sunday afternoons at all. I was so happy this time 3 weeks ago, I was looking forward to a new baby in the new year and she was already dead and I didn't know, how could I not know? I knew on the Monday morning that something was wrong but looking back now, she was already gone. How could I be so wrapped up in feeling good that I had no idea? I hate Sunday and I'm not keeping it together. I'm alone for an hour with my 5 year old and can't stop crying. How do people get through this?

grandmainmypocket Sun 27-Nov-16 15:54:30

I have no helpful words but I didn't want to read and run. Hoping it gets easier for you a day at a time.

Nanananananagigglebiz Sun 27-Nov-16 16:00:51

You poor thing. I am so sorry for your loss. Get as much support around you as possible. Bless you. Xxxx

PetalMettle Sun 27-Nov-16 16:50:10

I'm so sorry. Please don't torture yourself with "how did I not know?" Very sadly you are far from alone.
Have you spoken With sands at all?

Northernlurker Sun 27-Nov-16 16:59:51

Very sorry for your loss.
It's not your fault that this happened. It happens to lots of people and is always a terrible, terrible shock. Sometimes when people look back they think they can see a point at which they should of known or could have known but the truth is there is no way to know and you didn't fail your baby in any way.
Would you like to tell us her name?

Redissuereader Sun 27-Nov-16 19:19:08

She is called Rosemary Lily, she was only 1lb 15oz at 28 weeks. I haven't spoken to sands but have read their resources and tried to register on the forum but haven't had my confirmation email through yet, it was over 2 weeks ago I tried but I've not followed it up

PetalMettle Sun 27-Nov-16 20:23:11

Beautiful name. I'm sorry about the sands issues. There is a Facebook group called sands for mummy's who've lost their babies so that might help, to talk to others who know what you've gone through x

Northernlurker Sun 27-Nov-16 20:24:34

What an utterly beautiful name you've picked. Did out know Rosemary means remembrance in the language of flowers? In Nigella Lawson's feast book there is a recipe for a rosemary cake, if you ever want to make something like that to mark anniversaries.
I'm sure the sands forum would be helpful if you can chase that up. Also have you had all the information that you want about the medical situation? You can ask for a debrief if it would help and you have questions.

SingaSong12 Sun 27-Nov-16 20:34:46

So sorry for your loss. I'm sure all days will have a lot of pain. Could Sunday be more difficult because there is less structure? For example during the week do you get up at a particular time to get your daughter to school and be there in the afternoon to collect her? Are there more people around during the week or on Saturday/Sunday morning? That doesn't mean you need to put in activities to try to fill your time as maybe you need to be sad, just an explanation.
if you come here and want to chat there will be someone to say hello.
Best wishes flowers

Redissuereader Sun 27-Nov-16 20:45:11

Thank you everyone, it's nice just to let it out sometimes. Yes singasong I think Sunday's are harder because I have less to do but also because I feel guilty that I think she stopped moving on the Saturday night but because I was so busy on the Sunday I thought she was just sleeping all day and I was so shattered when I went to bed that I didn't get worried until the Monday morning. I feel that maybe if I had noticed sooner then maybe she could have been saved, which I know may not be helpful but I can't stop feeling that way.

Northernlurker Sun 27-Nov-16 20:59:44

Sweetheart you don't know when she stopped moving. Don't torment yourself thinking it was Saturday. Fetal movements become part of our routine when we're pregnant, especially if it isn't your first baby. You will have felt lots that you don't remember and there will have been gaps that you don't remember either. Especially as early as 28 weeks. I know there are lots of stories about babies born then or earlier who are fine but the reality is that 28 weeks is very, very young and there are lots of babies born then who don't make it. Even if you had somehow noticed something, she was already struggling and the chances are that nothing could be done. You did not let her down. Sometimes our bodies don't work like they should and it's nobody's fault.

Redissuereader Mon 28-Nov-16 11:15:10

The funeral director has just called and sent me it to a sobbing wreck, how do I plan a funeral for a baby? It wasn't supposed to be like this

We don't want a religious ceremony but at humanist ceremonies they usually talk about the person who has died, she has had no time to live, how could she die? we don't know what she was like yet

Northernlurker Mon 28-Nov-16 18:58:57

That's what you talk about. The dreams you had for her life that won't be now.
You will all cry a lot and that's what it needs to be because this is desperately sad.

Did she look like her sibling? You could also talk about the pregnancy, where did you find out you were pregnant, the hopes you had for next year and all the years after that. You might want to talk about her name too.

I have a friend who lost her daughter at twenty weeks and the New Year's Eve after that happened she asked us to say something good about the year and when it got to her she said her good thing was the twenty weeks they had their girl because that was all the time they were going to get. It's horribly painful but that's what Rosemary's funeral can commemorate - the weeks of pregnancy and love you had with her and the time you dreamt of having.

It can be easier to use music than words. Nothing wrong with sitting and listening to two or three pieces and giving people a card that you've written down what you might want to say.

Northernlurker Mon 28-Nov-16 19:14:21

I've done a bit of googling for music, you might want to have a look at Carry by Tori Amos. I think it might fit with what you might want to say.

Northernlurker Mon 28-Nov-16 19:32:27

Also climbing clouds by jetty Rae which she wrote after losing her daughter Ella to stillbirth. You might want to avoid the video, I've not walked your path and I found it hard to watch. It's just basically about the joy and excitement of a pregnancy and then it's all taken away. Very beautifully and sensitively done but could be a bit much for you ATM.

Redissuereader Mon 28-Nov-16 20:47:26

Thank you so much northernlurker, it really does mean A LOT knowing that someone is able to listen (or read) what I am saying calmly and rationally and offer some help, I think it might be good to put together a message book with things people want to say and keep them. Today has been really hard but it's also helped me with realising that I don't want to rush in to the funeral and want to make things nice for Rosemary and make sure (I nearly typed she knows) we know that we have done our best for her and treated her the way we would our other child

1234hello Mon 28-Nov-16 20:57:52

Redissue I just wanted to add my condolences. flowers I hope you continue to find support here or at SANDS etc. Northernlurker has said same very articulate and sensitive/sensible things. I wish I had the same eloquence to say something useful.

In a way, this thread has helped with something I am going through. Life is strange like that sometimes....

Redissuereader Mon 28-Nov-16 21:42:15

Well 1234hello I'm glad it's helped you too. This thread has helped me a lot today and while I'm in no way over anything, tonight feels a little easier than yesterday

jbee664 Mon 28-Nov-16 21:51:47

So sorry for your loss...sending big hugs.

I do get the Sunday thing...when my EXH left me out of the blue, I was initially distraught and always found Sundays harder - they were our do nothing days but we did nothing together.

Northernlurker Mon 28-Nov-16 22:01:13

I'm glad tonight feels a little easier and I think you're totally right to take your time about your plans.

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