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Dad died last week.

(11 Posts)
poppetsocks Thu 17-Nov-16 10:30:13

My dad (step dad) died on Friday. He was sick for a very long time. He was diagnosed with parkinsono disease 8 years ago but was diagnosed with cancer in Jan this year. He was so brave and fought and fought but died. He was so scared of dying. Me my mum and my brother were with him at the end and told him how much we loved him. I hope he heard us. He was so frustrated in his last days. He was trying to talk to us but we couldn't understand him. I also have feelings of such guilt because in his last months I felt I sometimes avoided seeing him as there were lots of issues relating to his illness that he was angry about and he only ever spoke about that. I avoided spending as much time as I could have had with him because I found after I was not sleeping and getting very down about things. I feel incredibly selfish now. I did see him most days when he was home but feel that I was not there for him as much as I could have been. Also there were issues at work. A colleague took lots of time off knowing I would have to cover her job which made visiting him very difficult when he was in hospital. I am now anxious about going back to work as the anger I have towards this colleague seems to be taking over my life. I just miss my dad so much. I'm dreading his funeral because I know afterwards I will be expected to just carry on but I just want him back he was the best dad and grandad. I feel so sad that my ds's who he adored and who adored him too will never see him again and he will never see how they will turn out. I'm scared of how lonely my mum will feel. I'm sorry for the ramble. I also don't feel like I'm grieving properly. When I cry I feel like I'm forcing it a bit but at the same time feel such sadness and loss. If I look at his picture my heart aches. I keep looking at videos of him and it's so hard to believe he's not here anymore. I don't know what to do. I just want to wake up and for this to have been a bad dream. Sorry about the long post I'm all over the place.

Pandamanda3 Thu 17-Nov-16 10:44:14

Hey op 💐 for you
I really am so sorry to hear of your loss try to take each day as it comes, one step at a time.
It is awful to feel the loss of a loved one, my thoughts are with you at this sad time x

FeralBeryl Thu 17-Nov-16 11:18:38

OP I'm really sorry for your loss flowers
I'm almost a year in from losing my DF.
It's awful at first, truly awful. You just feel like you're drowning in sorrow, anger, bitterness and a billion other emotions. You have physical pain, or a crack on your heart as one of the DCs put it.
The logistics all fall in to place eventually and you cope. Your mum will be ok. Stay close to her.
We listened to lots of music that reminded us of different times. Looked at lots of photos from years past.
Talked lots to the kids about it all, allowed them to see I was sad although not my full on snotwails
Don't try and remove any of his things away just yet-it's very early.
If I could say one thing, it would be not to let the bitterness towards others consume you.
I was so angry with lots of people. I'm now far away enough to see it as a positive. If these people couldn't understand or support me at one of my lowest times, they weren't a true friend or a kind colleague. This will save me a lot of bending over backwards in future. wink
The sad truth is, your world has been hit by a meteorite, but everyone else's hasn't - it's hard to see the world still turning isn't it.

Please remember he loved you, and that he knew he was loved-what more can anyone want from life.

poppetsocks Thu 17-Nov-16 11:24:09

Thank you so much. I know I shouldn't allow myself to be taken over by bitterness. There has been enough of that these last few years with everything that happened to my dad. I will have to try to move past it. I miss him so much. We have just got a date for the funeral and my heart feels like it's going to come out of my chest. It hurts so much.

FeralBeryl Thu 17-Nov-16 11:41:26

Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this, I really am sad
This is actually a busy time now, it almost helps in a way because you have a short term focus, a task that must be completed.
Are you going to be planning the service with your mum?
Start thinking about music and pictures, make some list of people and contacts - you'll be astonished how many different bloody people you need to inform.
DF's funeral was oddly lovely! Everyone kept saying how wonderful it was hmm and he would have loved it too. This gave me a lot of comfort.
I also set up a charity page for a local children's hospice so people could donate if they wished, Dad always hated the idea of lots of flowers being wasted so we just kept it to family flowers and managed to raise over £1000 for the charity too. We even had buckets on the day. <shameless>
You will feel different after the funeral, it's such a cliche but you do. You feel a little more at peace. Don't feel like you need to rush back to work either, go and see your GP, they are wonderful at times like this and will sign you off.
Re: the bitterness. Not yet, but soon, you will be able to work on pushing all those bilious feelings out. After 6 months or so, you can arrange grief counselling, but these are all stages you need to go through.
There are 7 of the buggers, some last longer than others but it shows you are processing the event- there's another tiny positive.
You can do this - I promise star

bobblechops Fri 25-Nov-16 00:40:29

I want to say thank you to you FeralBeryl. I have been planning the funeral with my mum and it has taken our minds off things a little and I have felt that we have got our old relationship back a bit, my mum got very withdrawn after having to care for my dad for so long, lots of issues with doctors and her not feeling listened to. It is his funeral on Monday and I am dreading it but also wanting it to be over with. I went to see him today in the chapel of rest and I'm in two minds as to whether it helped or not, on one hand it didnt look like he was there anymore, there was no personality there it was almost as though i was looking at a very bad waxwork of him, so I feel that I will find it easier to let go. On the other hand, I so wanted to go there and see him and know he was still him and hug him but i couldn't even touch him because he looked so cold. I cant get my head round the fact that my fun, quirky sweet loving dad was that cold sleeping person in that coffin and I will never get any of him back ever again.i am so sorry for this self pitying ramble I can't stop crying

poppetsocks Fri 25-Nov-16 00:56:22

I am sorry to confuse everyone I've posted the previous under an old user name I had and didn't realise x

FeralBeryl Fri 25-Nov-16 01:59:26

Oh I've been wondering how you were but I didnt want to look like a stalker blush
It's odd going to see them isn't it? I think it's a very individual choice but if I hadn't have gone, I think I'd always have regretted it. I also think it helps reduce the disbelief you feel at the whole process.
I wrote a letter and left it in his coffin.
May seem ridiculous to many but it helped me (as well as a load of pictures, photos, toys from his grandchildren who insisted he needed them to play with in Heaven) grin there was barely room left for him!

I'm glad (?) you are managing to rub along with your mum. I know how terribly you are hurting, but she's lost her practical focus too atm, so as you say, all the appointments/sorting/planning has just boom-gone.
She will struggle with that a bit, if she's snappy, please don't think it's you.
Grit your teeth, roll your eyes wink
That's the times I miss mine, we'd be pulling faces behind her back conspiratorially.

Yes, the vessel in which your wonderful Dad travelled may have gone, but the thoughts, values, personality he gave you, as well as the memories are all still with you. No one can touch them.

Be gentle with yourself, you can get through the funeral, celebrate him.
Have you managed to agree on everything you wanted as content? If there is anything you want to say or do for the day, do it. Don't worry about what anyone thinks.
This is his send off. You will honestly feel strangely calmer after it. flowersflowers

phoria Fri 25-Nov-16 02:23:41

OP guilt is a very natural reaction. I stopped working for a few months to take care of my mum while she had cancer towards the end but even though I spent so much time with her, the first thing I felt the moment she died was guilt. None of us are perfect but we were doing the best we could at the time. It's a horrible thing to watch someone you love die.

I also had loads of problems with a colleague while my mum was dying. She was a massive b***h to me and made my life hell at work even though she knew what was going on. I was full of rage towards her but now looking back I wonder if I wasn't projecting my anxiety and anger about my mum dying onto her. Not saying that's the same for you!

Sorry for your loss xx

FeralBeryl Sun 27-Nov-16 17:28:44

Just swinging by to let you know you'll be in my thoughts tomorrow. Stay strong, you've got this. flowers

poppetsocks Sun 27-Nov-16 21:34:36

Thankyou so much feral Beryl. [Flowers] I'm dreading it. Hope he has a good send off and that I can hold it together. [Sad]

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