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How am I supposed to feel?

(18 Posts)
ElectricMelon Wed 19-Oct-16 22:37:42

My mum died last Tuesday after a 5 days in ICU. She collapsed and they didn't know why. She was only 49 and I am only 27 and she was my best friend sad

After an autopsy they still don't know why she died but have taken some of her heart tissue for further tests.

We can now have a funeral for her which will be next Friday and it seems like ages away. I just want it all over with and it irritates me that we have to wait so long and I am so anxious about the funeral.

At first I did nothing but cry (I knew she was going to die as soon as they took her to hospital) and for two days after she died I was in bits but ever since then I have felt fine. I miss her and feel sad when I go to call her and remember she'a gone or when Dd asks where Nana is. I have had a little cry a bit ago whilst looking at some photos and reading our texts and I keep getting irritated/angry about silly stuff like people telling me how I will feel or how I will fall apart or people giving me that pitiful look and trying to coax me into crying but other than that I feel fine.

I think have accepted it but from everyone keeps telling me about grief, I am in denial and it will hit me one day so now I am worried that I am going to have some sort of mental breakdown because that is what you're supposed to do?

I wouldn't say I felt numb or in denial but I thought I would be in bits for a long time. I thought I wouldn't be able to function and I would fall apart but I seem to be just getting on with things the best I can. I keep my emotions to myself anyway and find it hard to cry in front of others so I guess I could be pushing it all down.

I feel guilty and abnormal for not being a sobbing wreck unable to get on with my life and I worry that people think I don't care but I have Dd to think about and what use am I to her if I can't function? What use is crying and putting my life on hold, it isn't going to bring her back is it.

What if this is just my way of grieving?

MrsDc7 Wed 19-Oct-16 22:41:39

Ah mate sad that's absolutely shit for you flowers I don't know any of the answers but you do what you've got to do to get through the days. It's hard when you have little ones - you can't just fall apart and maybe that's why you're coping with it. Hope next Friday goes as well as it can and remember you're not on show for people to see how grief stricken you are - you just worry about yourself and your family. I'm sending you a hug and wish you the absolute best xxxx

CocktailQueen Wed 19-Oct-16 22:41:46

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Such a shock for you. flowers

Everyone grieves differently. You may be in denial for a while before sadness kicks in. After the funeral is organised and done, you may feel more like crying and letting go. Or you may not.

Not everyone has a 'mental breakdown' with grief; it is a different journey for everyone.

Just take care of yourself.

MuggleWuggle Wed 19-Oct-16 22:56:56

Sorry too for your loss, my mum died very suddenly at 54 when I was 24. To be honest it comes and goes, we had to wait three weeks for the funeral and in that time I felt everything from devastated to being ok. I think of it like a massive sink hole that opened up- sometimes you can walk around it and sometimes you fall in. Just take lots of care of yourself, be gentle and easy, and absolutely not hard on yourself whatever you feel, particularly right now- you are probably in shock. Wishing you all the best over the coming weeks, giving you a very un-mumsnetty hug.

redexpat Wed 19-Oct-16 23:07:13

Oh i have so been there! I found it really patronising actually, and a bit infatalising (is that a word?). It is really hard when people around you dont/wont acknowledge your feelings, but usually it is about their need to see you fit a certain expected pattern, regardless of what your behaviour or words indicate. And trying to get you to open up and cry is all about them needing to feel that they have done something useful in your time of need. So they can tell thdir neighbours oh yes x was in a terrible state.

You need a champion. Someone who will listen if you need, and say yes I can see why you feel that. Do you have that kind of person in your social circle? Often its someone on the fringe that you dont know so well. Sometimes its an old lady at the bus stop. Or another stranger.

I feel I should also mention that grief often comes to the surface as irritation. Frankly I was ready to kill dh in jan and feb (DF died in november). But it got better. I think kulian barnes wrote a book about it?

Please dont feel the need to justify or explain your feelings to anyone. Your way of grieving is just as valid as the next persons. You dont know what your way of grieving is, no one does until its their turn. So you really just have to go with the flow.

Really sorry about your Mum flowers

SwearyInn Wed 19-Oct-16 23:14:03

but usually it is about their need to see you fit a certain expected pattern, regardless of what your behaviour or words indicate.

I 100% agree with this - people NEED to comfort you or to reassure you - but that's to help them feel useful. Ignore whatever anyone tells you. I lost my mum suddenly. She was 58, I was 29. Its monumentally shit but you learn to deal with the pain and then live with it. I didn't have many people to talk to about it, but I think you just make the pain part of yourself. You do get better, and you establish a new normal, and life really can be OK mostly, but the doesn't go (which is actually comforting - you don't want it to go, as odd as that may sound)

Greydiddi Thu 20-Oct-16 10:32:21

Hello Electric, I am so sorry about your mum flowers

I just wanted to post as I was about to come in and post a very similar message to you. My dad died late last Saturday, 3 months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I also am a bit surpised as to how I am reacting and - this sounds silly - getting slightly worried that I am somehow in denial without knowing it as other people also seem to be trying to coax me into sobbing. I have odd occasions when I suddenly feel really sad, but most of the time I feel fairly ok (I also have young DC so life just has to go on). I live far away from my parents so wonder if that is it. Even my mum seems to be annoyed with me as I am not as sad as I should be. I worry I am an unfeeling person as everyone seems to be shocked I am not a sobbing mess.

The other down side is it does seem to mean that others don't make allowances for me - I do get quite irritated with my DH and he just seems to snap back, as if forgetting it is less than a week since my dad died.

Sorry that was very long and I didn't mean to hijack your thread. I hope you are getting the support you need however you are grieving.

ElectricMelon Thu 20-Oct-16 19:57:04

MrsDc7, CocktailQueen and MuggleWuggle thank you all for your replies and kind words x

redexpat and SwearyInn your comments have really helped and made me feel 'normal' for how I am feeling, thank you smile

ElectricMelon Thu 20-Oct-16 20:01:32

Greydiddi you haven't hijacked at all, it's very reassuring to know someone else feels similar to me and is going through a similar thing.

I think that is what is playing on my mind the most that I should feel a certain way and I am worried because I don't!

Very sorry for your loss flowers

Okwhat Thu 20-Oct-16 20:07:41

It's the grief process. There's 7 stages.

I'm still in the Angry stage of grief and it's been 4 years today.

It doesn't matter how you grieve, just let it come naturally. Don't force it.

Also, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine loosing my mum.

EsmesBees Thu 20-Oct-16 20:13:45

I lost my mum about two months ago and my advice to you would be to take every day as it comes and don't put pressure on your self to feel or act in a certain way. Well meaning people keep wanting to talk about it or say it's ok to cry, which is lovely of them, but the truth it you can't talk and cry all the time. Focus on your little one, she will get you through.

Helpisathand13 Thu 20-Oct-16 20:20:15

Hi Electric and other posters struggling with bereavement, just to express my sincere condolences at such a sad and difficult time for you. Thinking of you all x

Grumpyoldblonde Thu 20-Oct-16 22:09:17

I'm very sorry for your loss; your feelings are right for you. It's a long process grief, no rights or wrongs. Be kind to yourself.

alazuli Thu 20-Oct-16 22:58:28

so sorry for your losses op and grey. i think when we look at grief we expect it to be this sharp rise straight after which then subsides after but as i found out after my mum died a few months ago it's not like that at all. like you guys i thought i would be a complete mess but i think you have the shock to protect you and then there's organising the funeral to keep you occupied. if anything i'm finding it worse 6 months on as it's getting longer and longer now since the last time i saw her. let your feelings develop naturally. don't feel bad for not feeling too cut up just now. xx

echt Fri 21-Oct-16 09:49:49

So very sorry for your loss, Electric. So young sad

I keep getting irritated/angry about silly stuff like people telling me how I will feel or how I will fall apart I feel for you in this. My DH died suddenly nearly four months ago and the red mist descends when people try to stage /predict my grief.

Fuck. Off.

I don't say this, of course, but it grinds my gears that the person who's in the pits (me) has to nod and smile to bollocks like this, to make allowances. On top of my grief. Do I sound pissed off? Oh yes indeedy.

Sorry to hi-jack, but that part of your post hit the spot for me.

Many flowers for you.

EwanWhosearmy Fri 21-Oct-16 10:47:25

Sorry for your loss OP and Grey.

My dad died suddenly at 62. We lived over 200 miles away and I dropped everything to go to my DM. I didn't cry. I was furiously angry, but didn't cry. At the funeral everyone was sobbing except me.

Several months later I developed RSI (of all things) which was so bad I was signed off work for over 6 months. The grief came after that and since then I've seen my life as before and after. My life changed completely on that day, but for the worse, and it wasn't until the 7th anniversary of his death that I felt at peace with it. He's been gone 20 years now and I can remember him without tears.

Grief effects everyone differently. There is no right way to feel and no wrong way. You feel what you feel. People should be supporting you, not expecting you to conform to their expectations of how you should be. Just be prepared for the long haul. It isn't something you "get over" in a set amount of time.

alazuli Fri 21-Oct-16 11:26:58

Ewan a few weeks after my mum died I got tonsillitis and then several bouts of the world's worst cough. It was like my body was demanding that I talk about my feelings, which I still haven't really. Even if you don't realise it, your grief will show up in other ways. While my mum was sick I told myself I couldn't get ill because I didn't want to risk infecting her and weirdly enough I didn't, not even a cold. Then she died and I got ill straightaway.

I'm glad you've finally found peace.

Lifeisontheup2 Fri 21-Oct-16 11:44:38

My Mum died when I was 35, my dad 5 years later. I think people thought I didn't grieve because I didn't cry in public. Everyone grieves in their own way and don't let anyone try and make you fit into any particular way of being sad.

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