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just had my first misscarrage.....

(59 Posts)
jules99 Fri 09-Feb-07 00:07:55

not feeling too great after just losing my first baby. only 2 weeks ago but too sad to ask for advice or support until now. thought everything was ok and at the scan the doc told us otherwise. he says it was a missed misscarrage. i choose to wait until nature took its own path. i wanted to be a mum for as long as possible. i keep the image in my mind and its really hard. people keep saying "you can always try again" i know that but i wanted this one. i feel cheated and empty now, im sure lots of you out there will have been through the same and even just typing this message is helping me...

fryalot Fri 09-Feb-07 00:15:44

{{{{hug}}}} so sorry you're going through this. I've been there and all I can tell you is that it does get easier.

jules99 Fri 09-Feb-07 00:22:33

its been made harder by the fact none of my friends have either had children or a misscarrage... my partner has been amazing and together we have cried buckets! it seems the cruelest way to bring two people closer. it was two weeks ago today and tonight i have found this site. my doc says it can help to talk about it, i now agree.

ThisValenTime Fri 09-Feb-07 00:23:09

I'm sorry i cant offer advice as not been there but didn't want your thread to go unanswered. {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

TrinityRhino Fri 09-Feb-07 00:23:49

so sorry that you are suffering like this
I hope you find some comfort from this site

jules99 Fri 09-Feb-07 00:33:17

i know even if it does get easier, i will never forget the time we had together, even if it was only a few short weeks. i am 31 and time is on my side so all you can do is pick yourself up as best you can and try again when the time is right. i read something before and it was so true to how i am feeling right now, pregnancy after a misscarrage is never the same. i am scared it will happen again...

SparklyGothKat Fri 09-Feb-07 00:41:12

(((HUGS))) I had a missed miscarriage in 1999 at 8 weeks and I had an Etopic pregnancy 4 weeks ago. I too let nature takes its course. Time does heal, and one day you will wake up and realise that you haven't thought about it for 1 day, then 2, but atm its consumes all your thoughts. Take your time, grieve for your baby and what should have been. The due date is hard and people don't know what to say, which is when the classic 'you can try again' comes out.
4 weeks ago, I was saying the same as you, that I want this baby, now we are looking forward to trying again.
Take your time, there is no time limit on healing.
I hope you are ok.

superloopy Fri 09-Feb-07 00:44:56

Sorry to hear you have been through this too. I had a missed m/c last Oct at 13 wks. I know what you mean about the empty sadness.... It's just not fair!!

One of the hardest parts is all of the thoughtless comments people make or the ones who say nothing. Not one person from my DHs family congratulated me on being pregnant or said a word after the m/c. That really hurt.

All I can say to you from my experience is be kind to yourself, do only what you want to do and try not to blame yourself or over analyse the what ifs. Time is a healer.

jules99 Fri 09-Feb-07 01:10:29

hugs back to you too... etopic must be really tough, are you ok?... my partner says he feels it equally but in different ways, i believe him... some men seem to get a rough ride when their woman suffers a loss, he has been a rock, my rock, i could not have managed the last 2 weeks without his constant support. he is worried that if he does not cry everyday he is being unkind but i know this is breaking him as much as me. the day we sat and had our 'little blue line moment' he became a dad and i became a mum. i wanted it so much and he did too. now i have found the inner strength to pack up my baby bits, my pregnancy diary, the mags i had bought (as i was worried this being my first, i didnt know how to look after one of those precious little people) and the tiny socks he had bought us saying "i love my mum" i feel a small amount of closure but it still hurts. it was my first day back it work today and people kept asking why i was off ill and was i ok. i wanted to shout about my loss from the roof tops but decided it was probabally best kept to myself!! anyways thankyou for your kind words and i am sorry for rambling on x x

SparklyGothKat Fri 09-Feb-07 01:21:16

I'm fine, We only had a few days to get used to the idea (already have 3 kids) before I started bleeding. Luckily for me, my body dealt with it and I didn't need surgery.
Men do get a rough deal, everyone expects them to the 'strong one' and sometimes they feel that they can't show their feelings incase they upset their partners. Its good that your partner has been so strong for you.
You will get over this, it takes time, even now I still think about the baby I lost in 1999, he/she would have been 7 now, but then I would never had DD1 who is nearly 7.
I lost the baby on the 28th feb so its been nearly 8 years now, and it still hurts but time really does heal.

jules99 Fri 09-Feb-07 01:40:18

you are right about the man thing, he is aching inside and i feel for him, myself and the baby that didnt quite make it. the doc and the hospital talked about the medical side of things and kept refering to our baby as tissue or products, that made me sad. there was a web site that mentioned the idea that at the moment of conception if for some reason and often for no reason at all there was some missing info it would eventually let my body know. i/we like to think that maybe his sperm/my egg went to school that one day and forgot their homework, daft i know but i hate the tissue explainaion... i am lucky to have a man who can express himself and still be there for me. its strange how your hormones react when pushed into a corner... thankyou again x x

northerner Sat 10-Feb-07 18:22:59

Hi jules, welcom eto MN

I had a m/c in April last year, it is horrible and you will mourn for a while yet. Just look after yourself and take it easy. Your dp sounds like a great sense of support.

It does get easier with time I promise

foundintranslation Sat 10-Feb-07 18:35:09

Jules, I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. First thing to say is please be gentle to yourself and take the time you need to grieve. Your grief is normal - you have lost a baby. The language of the doctors is impersonal of necessity, but I know it can hurt very much.
I have had three mcs, and also have a wonderful 21-month-old-boy. He was conceived three months after my first mc, and it is true that a good part of the 'magic' of pregnancy is lost, and the early part of pg is particularly worrying. However, mc (although little talked about) is a sadly very common experience, and there is absolutely no reason to think you will not have a healthy pregnancy and baby. It is very unusual to experience what I have (all my mcs seem to be down to 'chance'). I am now nearly 9 weeks pregnant again and this time all seems to be fine .
It's very early days, but in case you are already thinking about trying again: I have always been one for trying again quickly after mc, but I found after the last one I had a couple of months in which, as my period approached, I was horrified at the idea of being pregnant. I think you and your dh will know when is the 'right' time for you - don't feel you must rush it.
Take care.

Pasquala Sat 10-Feb-07 22:50:05

So sorry Jules.

Just had an erpc yesterday after a discovering a missed miscarriage at an 11 week scan the day before.

The image of the lifeless sac on the monitor was pretty horrific but I know time will soften the pain. I have taken great comfort in the thought that I clearly CAN get pregnant. It is cruel and very sad and shocking but I know that this happened for a good reason - the baby was not going to make it - and I would rather have dealt with the loss at this stage than in the 2nd or 3rd trimester.

I am wondering if anyone can offer any thoughts on the following......

I am still having morning sickness - is this normal?
My tummy is still swollen - normal?
Haven't bled AT ALL - normal?

Obviously should have asked the questions before I left the hospital but was in too much of a rush to get home and curl up.

jules99 Sat 10-Feb-07 23:08:03

oh no, curl away for as long as you need to and cry till your eyes stop working, i did for at least a week after finding out, i dont know the answers, i still felt preg for a fews days after finding out at the scan, bleeding started a few days later, still felt sick, sore boobs, weeing for england, even though docs says baby was not living for prob 3 weeks are so, he said it was hormones and things still keep growing even if baby does not, its the worst feeling, i am so sorry, look after yourself, are you getting the support you need? x x

Pasquala Sun 11-Feb-07 00:14:06

Thank-you. Yes - lots of mutual tlc between my husband and me!

leahsmum Sun 11-Feb-07 00:30:08

Sorry for your news - take your time to grieve and try again when you are both ready. I have a dd (almost 3) and suffered a miscarriage on January 13th last year at 12 weeks and 2 days. I am thankfully now almost 40weeks preg with a darling LO. It was really tough and TBH I still find it difficult to talk about. A colleague at work was due the same day as my baby would have been and she happened to sit 2 desks along from me - which I found really difficult to face daily but with lots of support (sounds like you have that from your DH) you will get there however difficult it may seem at the moment. As they say - time is a great healer though you will never forget about the LO that you lost. To some people its not a baby because it didnt live outside the womb - but to you and your DH it was your baby. I never quite understood that until I experienced loss. I dont think any1 that hasnt experienced it can ever fully understand.

Big hugs!!

cantdothisanymore Sun 11-Feb-07 00:43:03

Jules (& everyone else on here) I'm so sorry.

I haven't been through this so can't imagine what it is like for you. Everything I say will sound trite & you will have heard it all before...


jules99 Sun 11-Feb-07 01:05:12

you are all right, time will heal, i know that now, i didnt want to know that 2 weeks ago, it felt like life would never be the same again... i know in my heart it wont be, but we must move on. when i say this i mean me and my lovely partner, not any of you who posted with more recent losses. we are all different and that is what makes us all special... i feel if we do move on then people will think we have forgotten our first baby... i never will and i never want to, she (we guessed she was a girl) will always be with us but loss and grieving is part of the recovery process x x

petrified Sun 11-Feb-07 02:46:51

Hi Jules99

You sound like an incredibly strong person.

I had a missed m/c july 05. It was also my first baby. I will never forget the pain of seing it on the screen. Unlike you I couldn't just let nature take it's course, I needed to move on.

I now have an amazing 19week old little boy who I can't imagine being without. It does upset me to think that I could have a year old baby now but I wouldn't have the one I've got now. The whole pregnancy was extremely scary, I found out at about 5 weeks but wouldn't go to the doctors until I was 11 weeks because I was too afriad of the scan. All I can say is that after my initial fears at the scan it was the most amazing feeling after.

I'm so sorry if this does not make sense but I'm just about to go to sleep but I wanted to let you know that things will be ok. You know that you can get pregnant and there is always a next time.

Take care of yourself, you will never forget your first child, but you will move forward. Take your time and try to smile, take each day as it comes. x

nikkid21 Tue 13-Feb-07 18:57:40

first time on here and i'm feeling pretty desperate. Need to get it all out and can't keep crying at hubby.
Friday I was 10 weeks with 3rd baby, had really bad tummy paid and was admitted to a&e with suspected ectopic. They didn't even scan me, just operated within the hour.
When I woke up dr said that it was a burst ovarian cyst but womb looked fine and no reason to worry re baby. They couldn't scan me because it was the weekend and therefore no staff in.
I went back yesterday (Monday), had the scan and there's no heartbeat. Perfect baby shape but so still. Hospital too busy to perform erpc (d&c type thing I think) until tomorrow, Wednesday. So now i'm just sitting here killing time until I can go in tomorrow afternoon.
At the moment i'm veering between sad and angry. Anyone we have told just says 'well i thought you said two children was enough'. We changed our mind, even if it had been an accident of conception it doesn't negate the pain.
I can't belive that the NHS gave me hope all over the weekend because they don't have staff in to scan between 4.30 on a Friday and 10am on a Monday. After they told me yesterday we were put in a waiting room for an hour and a half while we waited for the conssultant.Meanwhile lot's of happy women are walking past clutching their scan photos and avoiding looking at us in case we jinx them.
They got me to sign all of the forms yesterday but I have no idea what to expect re bleeding, clots etc. The consultant was more interested in whether I would allow them to sample and keep the removed tissues and did I want to take any of it home!
I'm sorry to rant but I need to get this out before I explode.

Catbabymummy Tue 13-Feb-07 20:55:44

I miscarried 4 weeks ago, I too found it very difficult seeing my little bean on the monitor. I still see that image and hear those words "no heartbeat" echoing through my head.
We are trying again, but part of me is thinking that I wanted that pg. I still keep thinking well I should be x weeks gone by now. Dh and I are desparate to get me pg again, but it's not the same as first time around.
What's worse is I since discover one of my friends is pg, going to see her on Thursday with some others, but it's going to be hard because they'll want to gush over her but they'll be worried about upsetting me. But I don't want to take the thrill away from her. Don;t really not how I'll be...

mumtogusnalbie Tue 13-Feb-07 21:23:29

Nikkid21 - really sorry to hear your story and well done for posting on here. There are plenty of people who have been in similar situations. I miscarried my first baby (apparently 1 in 4 first pregnancies end in miscarriage which is quite a frightening statistic). It took me 18 mths to fall again and it was absolute hell. I went on to have a healthy baby boy and then shortly afterwards (8 weeks to be precise) I fell pregnant again - oops!! Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended also - the baby had spina bifida and I decided to terminate. This was quite a traumatic experience because it was approaching Christmas and what should have been a really happy first christmas for my son was tainted by the loss of his baby sister who was born on December 15 weighing just 6oz. I now have another healthy baby boy and I thank God that I have been blessed with my boys. Time is a healer but you also need to talk about things and not bottle feelings up. Thats where Mumsnet comes in - big hugs to you and keep talking!

gothicmama Tue 13-Feb-07 21:30:57

jules the pain will lessen with time you need time to grieve for your loss, I found holding some form of private memorial ceremony helped me to gain some focus on my feelings, time heals as they say and it is important to stay positive some people find hope and peace in the spirit children theory that the ones we lose come round again there are some much better posts than this in philosophy and spirituality section take care of yourself

jules99 Tue 13-Feb-07 21:43:24

nikki, cat, mumto and all of you out there...

i never thought that i could ever say i understand how you feel until the worst happened to me and dp too, and i cant say, as we all feel different but i am thinking on the same wave. horrid and sad and lonely and cheated and empty and angry and the list goes on...

i am new to MN and i cant tell you how much comfort i have felt in the support you all have given me in your own way.

it is only 3 weeks since we found out our baby had died inside me, it shatted our lives, we are still grieving and we will never forget our first 'little one'

take care of yourselves and your loved ones x x

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