The question I constantly ask myself

(15 Posts)
Soyouare2faced Fri 30-Sep-16 21:51:05

I lost a baby, a little girl 😔 it was whilst I was pregnant so through the birth I knew she was gone.
I always see programmes and read story's of people who's babies/children pass at days/weeks/years old and I ask myself 'is it better to have had time than not at all?' And I don't suppose it matters either way, a loss is a loss and to for it to be a baby/child is the worst pain. I find every days hard. I should have 3 girls and I don't

Soyouare2faced Fri 30-Sep-16 21:51:58

Sorry for the typos

NavyandWhite Sat 01-Oct-16 15:17:35

I'm so sorry you lost your little girl. No matter what she is your daughter and you love her and I always believe that somehow she knew that.

Itscurtainsforyou Sat 01-Oct-16 15:28:39

I'm so sorry. I should also have 2 more children than I do.

I often ask the same question as you - and have discussed it with a friend whose baby died at a couple of weeks old. I expressed sympathy that she'd had to see her child suffer before she lost him, whereas I knew that my babies would not survive outside the womb, but she said she feels so grateful that she was able to spend time with him and is sorry for me that I didn't have this opportunity.

I don't think there's any right answer. I think the further a pregnancy goes or the longer you have a child, the more hope you have that things will be ok - so losing them is a cruel blow. But there's no "better" situation when you lose a child, it will always be very wrong to outlive your children.

Sending you flowersflowers

Soyouare2faced Sat 01-Oct-16 18:45:26

I'm glad it's not just me that wonders , sometimes I feel horrible for just having the thought

Itscurtainsforyou Sat 01-Oct-16 21:09:19

I think it's understandable, part of trying to make sense of it all (which I still haven't managed).

Soyouare2faced Sat 01-Oct-16 21:10:45

I struggle all the time and it was 8 years ago.

Superstar90 Sat 01-Oct-16 21:17:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had three miscarriages and also lost a niece at an hour old. These souls will always be with us, always be perfect, loved and unharmed by the world. At least they could have their short beings always with me. They all teach us about the world in some way

gingerbreadmanm Sat 01-Oct-16 21:20:49

soyou i sometimes wonder the same. my ds was stillborn at 27weeks.

sometimes i feel utterly devastated to not have known him. not really. but then at times i feel lucky that i can imagine he would have been everything i hoped.

i am an aunt so i suppose it puts it into persepective for me which would be worse but i still wish i had those moments with my son.

Leapling Sat 01-Oct-16 21:30:54

I'm still in a very, very raw place having lost a 7 month old. It feels a cruel age. I knew her enough to be completely and utterly in love, to know her cries, to have seen her smile. I am so grateful for that and treasure the time. But it wasn't long enough to see her crawl, or buy her first shoes or hear her first words.

The truth is, that when you lose a child, you will always have wanted more time. No loss is more devastating than another. I'm sorry for your loss.

gingerbreadmanm Sat 01-Oct-16 21:34:30

see, seeing that written down leap makes me feel i got off lightly. i know you didnt mean it like that but i know it must get much worse.

im so very sorry for your loss xx

Phillipa12 Sat 01-Oct-16 21:35:09

It depends.....some days im pleased that i got to share my daughters life, those 3 years 2 months and 10 days are what keeps me going. But then some days i do wish that i hadnt had her as the pain of knowing that i have to live the rest of my life never seeing or hearing her again is to much to bear.

DustyMaiden Sat 01-Oct-16 21:42:13

I have had the same experience as you. I think if you knew that you only had a short time it would be nice to have it. To think everything was good and then just fall further in love and then lose your baby would be unbearable.

Leapling Sat 01-Oct-16 21:46:15

I don't think anyone who loses a child gets off lightly gingerbread but it is personal to you.

I was devastated to have a mc at 8 weeks a couple of years ago but this doesn't compare in the slightest for me personally.

What I will say, is if someone offered to take this pain away but it also meant losing the last 7 months, then I'd say no.

wowwee123 Sat 01-Oct-16 22:12:54

i had an mmc prior to stillbirth too. i never thought id get over it. then i had the stillbirth and weirdly enough it made me think things can always be worse.

but i feel more greatful for my stillbirth because i carried him for 7 months and i got to see him and it all was so real. bits confusing i guess and i see it from both sides. btw in ginger just name changed for something else.

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