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How can I help my mum and what to expect

(6 Posts)
twickletoes Wed 21-Sep-16 15:15:23

My mums husband of 34yrs died of a heart attack on saturday while on holiday aged 62
My brother and I drove up to her just as air ambulance was leaving
He was still in the holiday cottage as they could do no more

We stayed the night with her and drove her home the day after
Funeral is booked now for 30th September

My children are both in uni and very upset at this news both are traveling home next week

My mum and I are not close she left us 3 children and our dad for her now husband but she was a good grandma and he a good grandad and I feel it's my duty to help her but I feel so useless
I hug her and helped with practical stuff but this is going to go on for ages (the grief) it's very new atm but I need to be there for a few years

Any advice from widows on the stages of grief and what I could do

Thank you

VioletBam Thu 22-Sep-16 00:23:42

It sounds like a very traumatic loss for her and very shocking for you too. flowers

In my experience the first year is very hard. She will feel quite lost at home for instance....his not being there will weigh heavily on her as she does mundane things around the house.

The evenings will be the hardest.

People deal with grief differently but the best thing you can do is to let her know you're available for her.

Call her daily...twice a day if possible, once in the morning and once at night. My Mum found the evenings very hard when my Dad died.

Offer to have her over for meals if possible and talk about her husband with her....sharing memories really helps people to feel better and as though their lost one is still with them in some way.

twickletoes Tue 27-Sep-16 13:52:38

thank you great words x

Thingirlstuckinfatsuit Tue 27-Sep-16 13:58:53

How horrible for you all. My dad died suddenly last year, it was so shocking. We still don't feel like it's real. Can you help her with the practical stuff? I sorted all financial and notification things, she was just too overwhelmed.

Ring, and visit her as often as you can. The pain, shock, and anger will last much longer than people expect. Don't make her feel like she has to hide her grief a year down the line, I know my mum feels like this - because people expect her to have 'moved on'.

Just be kind, and hope time brings her some peace, that is my hope for my mum.

twickletoes Wed 28-Sep-16 16:09:09


Topsy44 Tue 11-Oct-16 17:25:31

My husband died two years ago. It is true that everyone grieves differently but that first year is devastating. A role reversal but my parents helped me with sorting out all the admin and financial bits and bobs that crop up when someone dies and an amazing friend helped me out with practical stuff in the house and garden. This really helped as it took a lot of pressure off me.

Grief has no time limit and some people still don't understand that I feel pain after two years. It does slowly get easier but I find that friends and family who can acknowledge and sit with my pain and most importantly just listen are the ones that help me the most.

You are a lovely daughter to think how you can help your Mum in this situation after what happened previously in your relationship.

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