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Grief when you have a very small baby

(13 Posts)
peardroplets Mon 19-Sep-16 14:50:16

My dad died almost a year ago when dd was 8 weeks. I'm not sure I have fully processed it and gone through the normal stages of grief as in the past year I have had extremely poor sleep and have moved house twice and there hasn't really been emotional room for me to process my dad's death. My mum and sister have gone through more 'normal' grief and I feel guilty I have had more of a numb reaction. Now we are coming up to the one year anniversary and my dd is sleeping better and we are settled in a new home I have started to feel a bit depressed when in theory things should be looking up. I wonder if the stresses of a small baby have caused me to postpone the grief period. I wonder if anyone else has gone through a bereavement when consumed with early parenthood and when it hit you.

rhiaaaaaaaannon Mon 19-Sep-16 14:54:05

I have and was the same as you op. About a year after my mum died we'd finally finished selling her house, buying our house, getting married and coping with life with a small baby and hyper 5 year old, all of a sudden a huge new wave of grief hit me. I was finally able to have time to feel it and I must say it hit me hard.

Took me a year but I'm starting to see the light now, it does get better.

Have you contacted cruse? They are very helpful.

peardroplets Mon 19-Sep-16 18:42:50

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you've been through such a hard time too. I think the delayed grief is what's happening to me. No I haven't tried Cruse but I may if things get worse.

thecatsclinkers Mon 19-Sep-16 19:08:42

OP I really feel for you. My DH's dad died when our DD was 10 days old.

We'd had a hideous pregnancy and we on such a high that we had this amazing baby...then his dad just dropped dead.

It was three years ago, almost to the day. It was the absolute worst of times.

My DH totally checked out of our lives for quite a long time and has never really talked about it at all. I would of course recommend talking to someone if you can....

HelenaJustina Mon 19-Sep-16 19:38:18

I'm coming at this from a different angle. My Mum's Dad died when she was in her 20s and I was under 2 months old. I'm still not convinced that she properly processed her grief ever so I'd say if you are dealing with it now, better late than never, consider seeking some professional help perhaps?

BackforGood Mon 19-Sep-16 19:46:00

Another who would highly recommend getting some counseling.
My dd was 8 months when my sister died and 10 months when my Mum died, so a bit older than your dd, and I had 2 older ones at the time. Life was SO busy trying to work, parent, sort all the formalities and legalities and practicalities of house clearing and selling etc.,etc, plus looking after my Dad (my Mum had been his rock and he was quite disabled when she died) that I just hadn't been able to find time for myself.
The Hospice my Mum had just moved to when she died, did a group counseling session once a fortnight, and I can't tell you how much it helped me when I started going there - and I never thought I'd be a person who needed therapy for anything blush. As much as anything it was that chance to just take a couple of hours out of my week for time to think and talk. It did me the world of good.
Be kind to yourself, try and find some support.

NecklessMumster Mon 19-Sep-16 19:49:06

My mum died when ds1 was 6 months old and I was 2 months pregnant with ds2 . My brother and sister grieved noisily but I felt angry and thought ' I can't afford to grieve now'. It didn't really hit me later in a dramatic way, I was a bit numb and I think about her everyday.

JLoTheAstra Mon 19-Sep-16 19:51:37

No advice, Pear, but I understand where you're coming from. My DM collapsed 2 days before my DC1 was born and died in ICU when he was 10 days old. I didn't even get to go to her funeral because I was a (long) way away and DC was too poorly. I found becoming a mum so hard (ended up with PND) that it was almost as though my brain had no space for grief and shutting it out was the only way I could keep going.

Tbh I still don't think I've grieved properly. Sounds like counselling would be a good idea for both of us brew

rhiaaaaaaaannon Mon 19-Sep-16 20:05:02

I don't want to tell you what to do but if I was you I'd contact them now. Chances are if you've thought to post about it here its obviously something that's weighing on your mind.
There's usually a bit of a waiting list anyway so it gives you a bit of time to get used to the idea.

I forgot to say I'm sorry for your loss flowers

peardroplets Tue 20-Sep-16 10:05:45

Thanks everyone for your lovely responses. I know I should probably talk to someone - I have had counselling in the past so I know where I could go if I felt I need it again. Big hugs to all of you who have been in the same situation x

DimsieMaitland Thu 22-Sep-16 13:49:18

My mum died when DD was 5 weeks old. I got through it on adrenaline and breastfeeding hormones and I didn't start dealing with it until a year later. Counselling helped immensely. It is 13 years now and while I still miss her every day I can separate the two events and DD's birthday is no longer mixed with sadness as a marker for what followed.

starsinyourpies Sun 09-Oct-16 09:05:23

I think I'm the same and counselling definitely helps, my DSIS died when my DC was 7 weeks old, We spent much of the first weeks of her life in the hospice. Focus then and after her death was on surviving and I am now trying to deal with it more. Miss her terribly every day.

Sosidges Sun 09-Oct-16 09:48:00

I would contact a bereavement councillor, because I am sure it would help. My dad died 40 years ago, my daughter was 6months and my son 2. My husband worked away and mother was absolutely awful. all my time was spent looking after my children and trying to please my mother.

All the sympathy was for the widow and nobody ever gave a thought that I had lost a dad that I worshipped and who was the only person in my life who,loved me. I miss him every day and feel that I never had time to mourn him. So sorry for your loss, please ask for help in dealing with it.

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