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I don't want it to have been a year.

(3 Posts)
pinktransit Wed 07-Sep-16 13:25:09

Just that really - I've been holding myself mostly together for the past year.
DP died last September, 6 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and I've survived so far. I've done all the firsts - birthdays, Christmas, NY, special dates and times. I've told myself so many times that the first year is the worst, and that after that you've done everything without him at least once.
But now that it's almost a year (in 9 days), I don't want it to be. I can't explain it, but it almost feels like losing him again - I want to hold on to the next 'first', even though I've been telling myself that once I've done all of them it'll be easier.
I guess it's a bit of a milestone, one that I never wanted and one that I still don't want. I want the impossible, I want things to be as they were, I'm tired of being strong.
I don't want to move on - but I have to. I don't understand how I feel, how can something I've been waiting for suddenly be something to dread?
And I do dread it. More and more as it gets closer.
Life does go on, and it has gone on - I can now get through day by day, sometimes week by week whereas a year ago it was minute by minute. I smile, I laugh, I plan things, I miss him. And I don't want it to be the anniversary.

LittleCandle Wed 07-Sep-16 13:35:50

The anniversary is always shit. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mum's death and I always find it horribly hard. It has been 17 years, but on that, it might have just happened yesterday. I know by comparison that I was lucky my mum went the way she did, suddenly, and I didn't have to watch her go downhill and maybe develop dementia, but on that day, it makes no difference. flowers to you. you will survive this day as well, I promise.

Crispspsps Wed 07-Sep-16 21:58:21

Oh pink. I get you. DH died nearly 4 years ago - leukaemia. Looking back I found the second year harder than the first in lots of ways. First year everyone rallies round the special dates and things. Second I felt I was floundering on my own much more, and people expected me to be "OK". Also the run up to anniversaries has always been harder for me than the day itself. Hang in there lovely. Do you know about WAY - Widowed and Young? It has been a sanity-saver for me.

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