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Support for friend ttc conceive after ds1's death

(8 Posts)
bigfriendlygiant Sat 03-Sep-16 12:46:32

My friends' baby died at 2 months old in January this year.

They are now ttc, not counting days etc but have stopped using protection. The wife's period was two days late this month and she took a test that was negative. She said she felt relieved because when the reality hit that she could be pregnant she panicked that she was replacing her beautiful baby boy.

She now feels confused. She does definitely want a baby, she's scared of being pregnant and she knows it'll be a tough one emotionally. She's also scared that she'll forget her ds1 or that she'll feel guilty for being so happy with another child.

The husband desperately wants a baby.

I sent them a link to the SANDS website with info on pregnancy after a child's death.

Is there any other advice people can offer.

They are such wonderful people, they deserve happiness.

Shockers Sat 03-Sep-16 12:52:00

Having another child will not make her forget, it will remind her constantly of his milestones. She will never forget him. She will also be able to share his memory with his brother or sister.

I hope she conceives and is happy.

bakingaddict Sat 03-Sep-16 12:52:46

She may need some more time to grieve and come to terms with what's happened. Having some proper support like SANDS should help her but her husband has to realise it's got to be in her own time and not push for pregnancy to happen if she's not 100% ready

bigfriendlygiant Sat 03-Sep-16 13:07:59

Thank you for replying.

She says she's ready, that she wants a baby. I think she's scared of the whole process.

She can't fast forward 9 months though and then another 2 months to get passed their DS's age.

I'll encourage her to talk to SANDS but she's not big on it. I tried to get her on here early this year but she didn't want to talk to strangers. DH and I are always available to them but we can't even imagine the grief.

I suppose we've encouraged them to ttc because we thought that's what they wanted and they'd be able to cope emotionally. It's difficult to think about it objectively.

movingforwardagain Sat 03-Sep-16 15:07:02

I think you should encourage her to come on here and to the SANDS forum as there are a few of us posting who are in the same position and can be her support network. I lost my baby boy at the same time and also at a few weeks old. I got pregnant again a few months ago and it didn't have a happy ending but here I am again ttc for my rainbow. I would be happy to DM her if she likes X

angelopal Sat 03-Sep-16 16:02:57

The SANDS forum is really good. I used it after loosing my first at 4 days old. There were groups for next pregnancies that really helped me during my pregnancy with my rainbow. Not sure how I would have got through it without that support.

She will never forget him and he can never be replaced. The next pregnancy will be hard so maybe she should hold off for a bit if not ready. One of the SANDS groups were for people not quite ready to ttc.

Only she will know when she is ready.

Phillipa12 Sat 03-Sep-16 19:39:16

I lost my dc2 when dc3 was 10 days old. We went on to have dc4 and the dread that consumed me throughout the pregnancy was that history would repeat itself. Dc4 is the image of his sister and dc3 who was so little at the time is now 2.5 years old and will point at pictures of his sister and say her name, he knows who she is and i cant say im not scared as he gets closer to the age dd was when she died but being able to talk and know youre not alone is very helpful.

bigfriendlygiant Sat 03-Sep-16 21:45:37

Thank you very much for your replies.

I was just having a quick check before bed but I'll reply in the morning.

We live overseas on a tiny little island with a very different culture so resources and real life support are quite limited. I really think it'll help her to chat to people online but she's not keen on the idea.

When I posted asking for advice on how to support her before I took screenshots of some of the responses and they did comfort her. She still didn't want to sign up though.

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