Grief sucks.

(36 Posts)
xexxsy Thu 01-Sep-16 19:07:41

Lasts longer than the sympathy does. Sympathisers mean well, I know that, but move on to their own lives. Normal.

Sorry, just crying my eyes out now. An anniversary, the memories, the total awful shit, the snots, the crying, the rage, the howling.

Will it ever get to the point where it is tolerable.

Badders123 Thu 01-Sep-16 19:14:52

I'm sorry for your loss
Ime now, bereavement doesn't get better BUT you get better at it iyswim?
I can listen to a song my dad loved in the radio now and not dissolve into snotty tears.
But some days are still hard.
X

xexxsy Thu 01-Sep-16 19:27:12

Thanks Badders.

You know what, I feel indulgent letting it rip. But no seems to get it.

They have "moved on".

Maybe I don't want to I dunno, I'm a mess at the moment, but it will pass. Been here before.

xexxsy Thu 01-Sep-16 19:29:23

Badders, what am I like, so self absorbed. So sorry for the loss of your Dad.

X.

Badders123 Thu 01-Sep-16 19:39:53

Thank you
Life goes on I guess
Even when it seems incomprehensible to us that it can

rembrandtsrockchick Thu 01-Sep-16 19:43:12

You are right my darling, it does suck. My husband died exactly nine months ago and the pain is still intense and unremitting. His death was traumatic and bloody awful.
I have much support from my sons and their wives and I try always to be positive and upbeat but sometimes, when alone, I give in to the grief and the pain.
I write to him every day, in the form of a journal. It's the only outlet I allow myself and it does help a bit to talk to him...even though the old bugger cannot hear me.
I find that black humour and gin is a good support, especially when dealing with people who have no idea and no real interest in what I feel. This especially applies to certain family members! They tend to be so shocked by the black humour that the faux sympathy is stopped in it's tracks.
Look after yourself my lovely.

suze

skyyequake Thu 01-Sep-16 19:44:05

Sorry for your losses flowers
My DGM died in June, she was like a mother to me and no one else really "got" our relationship... I do feel like everyone has moved on already (even though I know they haven't) , I feel like the worst part is the loneliness. Weirdly I feel like the only person who would understand the nature of my grief is my DGM herself...
I'm good at pushing stuff to the back of my head but it does creep up on me sometimes... It still doesn't seem real yet
Christmas is going to be hard

P1nkP0ppy Thu 01-Sep-16 19:46:55

Everyone grieves differently, how you grieve is fine, there's no right or wrong op.
As Badders says, life goes on, while you struggle to make sense of what's happened and how to get through the next hour, let alone day. Been there too.
((Hugs)) and love to you and anyone else struggling 💐

xexxsy Thu 01-Sep-16 19:55:33

Rembrandt, Sky, and Pink.

Thanks so much.

Hope you are all OK too. It is so easy to just wallow and forget that others are going through the exact same thing.

I am worried that I'm losing it now. But tomorrow is another day.

Great to vent to people who know. Jeez I can't stop crying. Sorry.

Badders123 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:05:07

You aren't losing it
You are grieving
It's a raw viseral thing
Nothing pretty or decorous about grief

rembrandtsrockchick Thu 01-Sep-16 20:22:12

Badders is right.
I cannot cry in front of anyone...not even my lovely sons. I am afraid that if I do I won't be able to stop, so I don't.
I saw my GP a few weeks ago about a physical thing. After we had talked about that he asked how I was, so I told him how shit it was, He nodded sagely, put on his "I understand" voice and said said "Ah yes, it must be very difficult. There will still be times when you need his advice and of course he is not there to give it".
He seemed rather puzzled by my almost hysterical laughter.
Most people just cannot cope with another's grief. I think it's a form of self protection.
Sorry if I come across as flippant...it's a form of self protection.

Badders123 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:32:14

I wasn't prepared for the anger
The visceral rage
Towards anyone and everyone
Didn't that woman walking her dog understand that my world had just fallen apart!!??
Why was my mum left, bereft and hopeless and alone?
All those people with their families intact - I hated them
All of them
It passes
But it's an awful awful feeling

xexxsy Thu 01-Sep-16 20:36:13

Thanks all. You are so kind, no wonder I am full of the snots and tears and shit again. But it is good to speak anonymously really good. Thanks.

I hope you are all OK too. I really do. I know what it's like. Wish I didn't.

Coconutty Fri 02-Sep-16 21:34:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Musicaltheatremum Sat 03-Sep-16 11:27:46

Coconutty, just cried at that. It's beautiful. I'm 4.5 years a widow. It's tough but my memories are so good. I am also lucky to have 2 fabulous children. (And if I'm allowed to brag, my daughter makes her west end debut at the Adelphi in London tomorrow. She promised her dad she'd be his little star and she has done it)
flowers to you OP and forgive me for that minor thread derailment.

Boogers Sat 03-Sep-16 12:10:46

Just cried at Coconutty's post too as it's so true. My mum died in 2008. On the morning she died we sat in the hospital cafeteria in a daze watching all the people coming and going, wanting to scream "my mother has just died, how can you just go on like nothing has happened?" My world had ended.

Afterwards I found the firsts hardest to deal with; the first birthday without her, the first Christmas without her, and then DD was born 11 months after she died and she wasn't physically there with me like she was with DS. The pain has become easier over the years, as if my heart has built it's defense mechanism for when I'm knocked sideways. Silly things still get me, like finishing a good book and wanting to pass it on, wanting to tell her about DS's music distinctions and school reports. One thing that really choked me at first was when the song we had at her funeral came on the tv or radio - Elton John's I'm Still Standing - the first time I heard it after her funeral I crumpled in a heap and cried for hours, but now I smile and think of her and sing along to it.

Coconutty's post is true. You can prepare yourself in the most part for the waves you know are coming, and you will survive.

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

Coconutty Sat 03-Sep-16 13:18:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sadmum23 Sat 03-Sep-16 17:20:32

Since losing my daughter 2 years ago , no 2 days are the same , there are days that l cry constantly others only cry a little. Miss her every day and want her back. I remember being told by a Cruse counsellor to breathe and the rest will happen. You never "recover" from child loss as it goes against the natural order. Sorry for your loss

sarahC40 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:18:13

We lost my lovely brother in law in June and along with my husband, I feel like it's getting worse rather than better - dreams of him dying, dreams of him being with us, the sadness of my kids, listening to his voice on video and feeling winded by grief, music reminding me of so many times since he was just 14....days and days of feeling on the edge of floods of tears. I don't know how to feel better right now

Bobafatt Fri 04-Nov-16 22:28:31

It is shite. I know some have it harder than me, and I still have much to be grateful for, but this evening I am just fed up and pissed off. And I'm still numb. Which means it's going to get worse. As stated above, probably at the point the sympathy has gone.

Pffft.

minmooch Fri 04-Nov-16 22:46:10

It is relentless.

Some days are ok. Some days are shit.

Some days I can cope.

Others I have to take it minute by minute.

If you met me you wouldn't know that I cry every single day on the way to work. It's when I'm alone in the car I think of my son. And his suffering. And his death.

I dry my eyes and do a good day's work, mostly.

You get better at coping with it. You fake it easier and then sometimes you realise you are not faking but enjoying. Usually means an emotional crash of guilt afterwards.

Grief is exhausting.

sherbetpips Thu 10-Nov-16 11:51:26

It does, it sucks you into a dark place whenever you let it. Memories of the pain and suffering mixed in with the physical pain of missing them. Only way I can hold it off is just not to go there too often. Plaster on the smile ans be happy around happy people. Being alone is a different matter of course but I try very hard not to go there if I can as I just wouldn't get up again.

Loosechange1 Fri 11-Nov-16 18:29:18

Christmas makes it harder. So many things remind you of something.

I'm so used to being on autopilot that when people ask how I am I automatically say fine. No words to describe the void really.

Badders123 Fri 11-Nov-16 18:37:03

Min - hugs to you x
Sadly dad died in quite a horrid way in front of me and later that same day my mum had a heart attack (she survived)
I do sometimes wonder if those of us who lose people in these sorts of circumstances have got ptsd?
I think it explains why we feel the way we do and why we struggle so much?

endofthelinefinally Fri 11-Nov-16 18:52:57

It is just over 2 months since I lost my son.
It is relentless.
As a mother I struggle to contain my own grief in order to try to comfort my other DC. They struggle to contain their grief because they don't want to make me feel more distressed.
DH is muddling through trying to support us all.

OP, and everyone else on here, I am so sorry for your losses. flowers
I have no idea when it will ever become tolerable.
My life has been divided into "before DS1 died" and "after DS1 died".
Nothing will ever be the same.
I am dreading Christmas and New Year - then DS1's birthday.
A couple of friends and 2 family members have been really supportive.
Others were great in the early days, but of course they have to go back to their lives.
Some pitched up to the funeral and have not been in touch since.
In the end, we are left with our grief and our memories, wondering how we get through the rest of our lives.

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