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Dp's father just died, would welcome any advice re supporting him.

(14 Posts)
TheDuchessofDukeStreet Sat 27-Aug-16 12:07:12

I just got the call from Dp that his Dad died in hospital. The hospital is in another city and DP was actually on his way up there to see him and stay over in an hotel, coming back tomorrow. His sister lives in the same city as Dad and had been en route to the hospital, she is very much distressed.

I have told him to get a cup of tea and something to eat which he is doing, at motorway services and that if he needs to stay another night I will book it. Any suggestions re what I can do to help both immediately and in coming weeks?

Believe2116 Sat 27-Aug-16 12:21:56

I am sorry to hear of your loss.
I lost my father last October. I carried on as normal at first, in a state of complete shock and denial.
Everyone is different but I think for him to just know you are there, supporting him, giving him space to grieve when he needs it, being there when he needs to all you can do. No one can really help.
I think my only advice would be, stay aware that he is grieving even months down the line. It got worse for me, over time, when the shock started to disappear. My ex partner never took into account I was grieving, if I appeared normal on the outside he treated me as such, but inside I was still struggling. We would argue and I would have to keep reminding him my dad had just died.
It takes time. Be gentle with him.
Sending you both love.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Sat 27-Aug-16 12:38:50

Thank you for your kind words, Believe. I am sorry for your loss, too. Thank you for your advice, especially the long term advice. It's not the same thing, but when I broke up with my last partner, my sister and friends treated me almost too normally and I had to remind them that I had recently had a painful breakup. It was not that they did not care, just that I was coping quite well externally, so I will remember your words about that. Thank you!

Believe2116 Sat 27-Aug-16 13:34:41

You're welcome. I hope you're all ok.
I know you'll be a huge support to him, just from the fact you are here asking for advice.
He's lucky to have you!
Take care xx

Potentialmadcatlady Sat 27-Aug-16 13:56:52

I sorry for his Mum died in March and I was very like Believe..joked my way through the funeral, comforted everyone else....then a few weeks later after my ex dumped me out of the blue ( he clearly didn't cope with sad me) I completely and totally fell apart...problem was everyone else was moving on at that point while I was left to flounder on my own except for people on here and one of my sis in laws...I still find it very hard and have bad bad days when I struggle but no one to listen to if I can give you any advice it's to hold him close and let him realise that you are there for him no matter what,when he laughs and when he cries,when he wants to talk and when he doesn't...

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Sat 27-Aug-16 14:25:35

Thank you Cat Lady, sorry for your loss too.Have just texted him.

Off to clean the house, do the laundry and make a shepherds pie. I expect that will help and keep me occupied until I know any more.

BurningGubbins Sat 27-Aug-16 14:30:47

Sorry for your loss.
When my FIL died I tried to make sure that everyone was fed and watered - cups of tea, making decisions about meals etc. It just gave them less to think about and made sure they looked after themselves a bit. I also went to appointments with the undertaker (with the immediate family) and made sure practical questions were asked, as it was obviously easy for them to forget. I think it helped lighten the load a little.

OurBlanche Sat 27-Aug-16 14:32:46

I'd like to add, remember to give yourself permission to grieve too (if that is appropriate for you). When MIL died I was the strong one who organised everything, did the coroner's office stuff, etc.

16 years later I regret it as there is one issue I have not resolved, I can no longer sleep with the bedside light off, I used to need near perfect darkness. I felt guilty, couldn't tell DH that I woke up in a cold sweat thinking of his mum and how she died. So I ignored it... and have had interrupted sleep every since!

Teammck05 Sat 27-Aug-16 14:58:20

So sorry for this sad journey you and your family are on, and it really is a journey. When my dad died 6 years ago, my husband was brilliant. Basically just doing what your doing now. Held me when I cried, listened to my ramblings. Shared his lovely memories of him too. Kept me fed and watered and made me feel loved and cared for. Other posters have already talked about later on, so true. The initial aftermath you're in a state of shock and there is also alot of practical stuff to do which keeps you focused but after this all calms down is when it really hits, that they're gone. I don't know if this will help or not but I found alot of comfort in a card that a lovely friend of my mum's sent us because it was true and summed up how we all felt-:she said 'life will never be the same, just different'. She just got it cause shed been there. Love to you and yours op. Xx

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Sat 27-Aug-16 20:29:58

Thank you all for replying and your advice which I will treasure in the days to come. There is to be an autopsy/post mortem, are they the same thing? so it does not look as though the funeral will be very soon. DP bearing up, he went to see his Dad and kissed him goodbye. Thank you everybody and sorry for your losses

namechanger1981 Sun 28-Aug-16 12:52:23

I'm going through a similar thing. My MIL died last week, my DP father died along time ago.

She had been ill for years but it was well managed, that changed in days and she died on Wednesday.

So far I've just cooked and cleaned. I've given him space when he's needed it and also forced him to go for dinner with his siblings when he didn't want to. He later thanked me as he had a good time.

At the moment it's just a lot to do and I think it will be later when it hits home. We have a holiday booked in 3 weeks time so that will be time to reflect I think.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Sun 28-Aug-16 20:58:19

Sorry to hear that, Namechanger. It's a rocky time isn't it? Dp is due back tomorrow with a carload of stuff, so cleaning will stand us in good stead. The holiday sounds a good idea, a bit of a change of scene before back to he grind. Good to reconnect as a couple too, I expect. All the best to you all.

namechanger1981 Tue 30-Aug-16 00:03:55

Thanks duchess.

Today has been tough. He's been stomping about which isn't like him at all but it's all part of the process.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Tue 30-Aug-16 08:16:06

It's normal, I think Namechanger. DP has stomped last night and this morning, can't settle to anything. I think it will be better when we have a date for the funeral. I have to leave him at home today but suggested one or two things he can do.
Going to make big fruitcake for the wake tonight, as Nigella says, good with a cup of tea or something stronger.

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