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Why am I finding it so hard to support 2 of my brothers after my mums death

(5 Posts)
LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 25-Aug-16 06:48:54

My mum died just over a month ago. She had lung cancer. She was diagnosed a year ago and this last year has been hell. I have 3 DBs.
Me and one of my DBs took care of my mum while she was going through treatment and when she was dying. Shortly before she died my grandad died.
I ended up having to organise my mums funeral and assist with my grandads.
Im now sorting my mums estate.
To be honest Im not dealing with it all very well at all. DB2 and DB3 call occasionally now to offload how shit they feel and how hard it is for them and I listen and try to help after all it is shit. I know that.
But what I find so hard is they NEVER ask how I am. Ever. If I say "I know I understand because Im also feeling x y and z) they just skim straight through it and go back to how bad it is for them.
Im starting to find it massively draining and now I dread it when they call.
Thats really bad isnt it?

Bostin Thu 25-Aug-16 06:54:40

No they are being selfish in their grief. Surely they can find the strength/time to ask how you are doing?
I am sorry you are going through this. I think grief can be quite a selfish emotion because let's face it, it's awful. But they are letting you down by not offering support.
I have lost several family members and it has been made really difficult by others behaviour who seem to think their grief trumped mine. It did get easier over time and feelings of resentment fade.
Do you have others who offer support?

FrancisCrawford Thu 25-Aug-16 06:55:46

No, it isn't. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

Even when we know a loved one is going to die, the impact of their actual death can still hit you like running into a brick wall.

And then there is still so much to be done after the death, things you have to do, when all you feel like is curling up in a ball and pulling the covers over your head.

I am so very sorry for your loss. My mum died two months ago and I am finding life very hard at the moment. My GP said that the feelings associated with grief are very like this associated with depression.

Please don't feel guilty about your very genuine feelings. I am so sorry your family is not supporting you. Maybe a visit to your GP might help you in coping with this?

flowers and best wishes

LuckyBitches Thu 25-Aug-16 14:56:45

I agree with the responses you've already had - it sounds like you're in the role of supporter, and your needs aren't being met. If you'd like to offload a little (or a lot) here, please do.

flowers

Lottapianos Thu 25-Aug-16 15:03:22

Oh my gosh OP, please don't feel bad about feeling the way you do. You have enough on your plate with grief and exhaustion and whatever else you are feeling, you don't need guilt as well.

There's huge pressure on women to be the listening ear, the support for everyone else, the person who keeps the show on the road, and there's not always enough acknowledgement that actually we have feelings too. Its perfectly fine to feel like you're not coping and that you have zero space in your head or heart for listening to their offloading right now. They sound very selfish and self involved and can't seem to make any space for your feelings. They seem to be using you as a dumping ground for their own emotional pain and that's just not fair. My sister does this so I have tons of sympathy for you.

Do you have other people in your life who do give you space to share how you feel?

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