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Grief and family arguments - any experiences to help me?

(14 Posts)
Pavlovthecat Tue 30-Jan-07 22:47:21

Its not child related, but I have a 7 month old who is affected by it.
My mu died last week. My sister is executor, the will was quite non-specific. My brother suggested selling all the leftover furniture and possessions that no-one wanted, and whatever was made, split between the grandchildren for trust fund. My sister, says that mum's wishes were to go to a specific charity and although initially considered my brothers suggestion, changed her mind, told us in no uncertain terms the things left would not be sold, but would go as mum directed. She weidled the 'executor' card, said she would go to a solicitors, and got my brother back up. Cut a long story short, as I had initially agreed with my brothers suggestion I have been roped into the middle, my brother has been accused of being greedy, my sister considers both of us as vultures and the pressure is immense. I am the youngest and suspect this is the blowout of a longer standing issue with my siblings. However my sister has always been controlling and has had issues with my mum which I feel she is trying to appease by acting this way.
To top it off, my little one has, possibly an ear infection (tbc by GP tomorrow), the funeral is yet to take place, I have to deal with all of this. To top it off I cannot seem to cry, although I felt utterly stressed to the eyeballs. Help?

Caligula Tue 30-Jan-07 22:51:45

Do you have a copy of the will?

Is it opaque? If so, go and see a solicitor. S/he will be able to tell you more or less exactly what your mother's wishes were, even a rubbish solicitor should be able to draw up a reasonably clear will. It won't cost much and it's worth it to be clear.

Is your sister the only executor? Mostly there are 2 people who are appointed to execute a will.

Sorry this has happened now, it's never a good time to lose your mother.

Pavlovthecat Tue 30-Jan-07 23:00:10

Her husband is the other one, and is doing as she says from what I can guess.
No copy of the will. It was changed just before she died, she was v ill with cancer, was living with my sister at the time of her death.
To be honest, the estate is not worth much, I am not interested much in the money, the thought of the grandchildren benefiting from mum's hard work was on our minds when we suggested the selling of stuff. My sister will not see reason, and now that she has one and truley pissed my brother off, she has pretty much washed her hands of us both. He is now talking about probate, not because he is interested in making money but because he is as stubborn as my sister and they have clouded this horrible time with their own stuff. They are my only family, and I could not care less what happens with the actual will. But she thinks that means that its because I have not got my own way. I have tried to tell her different but she just wont listen, she now says we can do what we like, its on our conscience. I have to stay in the house where all her stuff is, and because of my little one, I cannot stay long to help back up everything. My sister is going to see my mum on Thursday, I was going to travel to see my sister, she now says she does not want to see me and will catch up with me at the weekend (funeral on Monday). I need my family, but they dont seem to want to be there, either for me, or for me to be there for them. Just feels like I cannot grieve with all this hanging.

Pavlovthecat Tue 30-Jan-07 23:02:02

I say they are my only family. Not true. I have my wonderful husband to be and my beautiful happy daughter, I got to keep my emotions sorted for her, I dont want her to suffer through my sh*t

Caligula Tue 30-Jan-07 23:13:21

Hmm. Very difficult one. Someone I know died of cancer and she wanted to change her will as she realised that she had left masses of money to charity because she was expecting her stocks and shares to be worth more. When she found that they weren't worth as much as she had thought, she realised that she was leaving more money to charity than she was to her very poor nephew, who had gone down in the world and was in dire financial straits due to being made disabled a few years earlier.

She went to change her will and her solicitor advised her not to, as because she had a terminal illness, her will could be open to a challenge if she changed it at that point. I don't know exactly on what grounds it could have been challenged, but he was very adamant that it was a bad idea to change the will while she was under sentence of death, as it were.

I'm telling you this because you have mentioned that your mother changed her will very shortly before she died, while she had a terminal illness and was living with your sister.

Does your sister have children?

Pavlovthecat Tue 30-Jan-07 23:36:09

yes, she has two young children. She has little to gain financially. However, and I really do not say this to be inflamatory, no offence meant to anyone else in this position but...
My sister is very religious, born again to god. My mum had faith, strong faith, but not of my sisters religion, not really any religion, just her own way. However, before she died, she wanted urgently to make amends with god. My sister helped her with that. My sister beleives she has now done right by my mum as she has now been forgiven by god.
Maybe that means not very much in all this. But my partner also questioned the late change of will. Funnily enough, the previous second executor was my brother before the will was changed.

Pavlovthecat Wed 31-Jan-07 00:06:49

thank you all for your support anda dvice. I am off to bed to sleep over some of emotions wizzing round my head.

I hope you all sleep well.

Thanks to mumsnet for providing us with an opportunity to share experiences and seek advice.

figroll Wed 31-Jan-07 09:18:24

Oh I am sorry to hear about your mum. My MIL recently died and we have had all sorts of family quarrels about various stupid inconsequential things. I think there is a lot of stress and a lot of worry going on at a time like this. You have just experienced a very stressful event and are left trying to pick up the pieces. Meanwhile you are organising a funeral, etc.

Why not wait a while and come back to it in a month or so when things have calmed down a bit. Surely there isn't any particular rush anyway. We stressed ourselves so much in the first week and my dh was getting so worried about things, that we decided to calm everything down and slow the pace a bit. This is often the time when families completely fall out and I am sure that isn't what your mum wanted. Families can be so difficult and I don't know why some people seem prepared to jeopardise what they have by being arrogant and stubborn.

Good luck to you and try to take care of yourself and your little one - it gets better - we have had nearly 3 weeks now and are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

figroll Wed 31-Jan-07 09:30:55

Also, it sounds as if the argument is primarily between your brother and your sister. Why not try to stay neutral about the whole affair and concentrate on looking after your little one and yourself!! Who cares about a few cupboards - is it worth falling out over? You can't stop your brother and sister arguing, but you can try to step back yourself a little.

Hope the funeral goes well - from my experience, the mood does seem to lift a little after the funeral.

Pavlovthecat Wed 31-Jan-07 11:36:14

thanks for this. My mum is to be cremated and her ashes scattered at Glastonbury (So she wished, but not in the will and my sister says, if she wanted she could scatter them in her garden and we could not anything about it). So once the funeral is over, we have more to sort out, as we live in three corners of the country, Kent, Inverness and Devon.

I wish I was able to stay neutral, but by virtue of daring to disagree with my sister, or even have an opinion that she does not like, she has said some horrid horrid things. Unfortunately, once things are said, you cannot take them back. You can say sorry, and make things a little better, but she is not the only one greiving, and I have not made any accusations (although I am thinking about lots of them). I am going to attempt to stay neautral, but this, to my sister means being against her. She has a me against the world attitude (not just now, but always).

Bossybootsmum Mon 28-Oct-13 12:12:46

Your sister seems to bring a lot more negative than positive to your life. However your sister and brother act is up to them, but I'd rise above them both and focus on my own family. I know this is a cliched answer but it is true. In my family there is a VERY controlling sister, and if anyone disagrees with her they are at the receiving end of nasty words and then cut off. This really escalated after the death of her father....acting as if she was the only one grieving etc. So, I now don't have anything to do with her and my life is sooooo much happier and calmer without her in it. Hope this helps.

TheFuckersonInquiry Mon 28-Oct-13 12:17:43

This is a ZOMBIE thread. It's 5 years old.

Bossybootsmum Mon 28-Oct-13 13:14:12


TheFuckersonInquiry Mon 28-Oct-13 14:20:53

Lol, everyone gets caught out eventually grin.
I have blush

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