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Struggling with my own morality after both parents died quite young

(13 Posts)
pud1 Wed 03-Aug-16 22:51:21

Mum and dad both died last year. Exactly 6 months apart. Mum had lung cancer and dad had peritoneal cancer. They were both 59.
I am getting through it but I am scared shitless of it happening to me. I have convinced myself that I have 20 years left.
Dads cancer is more common in women as a secondary from overian cancer. I have been getting a pain in my pelvis and have been to gp who has referred me for a scan. I explained my anxiety about dads illness. I am driving myself nuts. In my more rational moments I can tell my self that it's ovukation pain. I have heard of genetic tests that can be done.
Has anyone else felt like this after a parent dies

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Wed 03-Aug-16 23:06:12

A bit. I lost both my parents to cancer, although different sorts. My mum had breast cancer but she was tested at the time to see if she carried the inherited genes and she didn't. That was 25 years ago and I'm sure things have changed since then but I've just passed the age she was when she was diagnosed and I seem to be fine so far!

Please don't spend your life worrying about it. There's hundreds of different cancers, not to mention other illnesses, being hit by a bus etc. If we stopped and thought about it we'd never leave the house.

Your pains are probably stress and anxiety induced. What did your GP say?

whatisforteamum Sun 07-Aug-16 08:48:12

Hi pud im sorry about the loss of both your Mum has primary peritoneal cancer and Dad had small cell prostate cancer..both rare and advanced i suspect i will lose both in the same yr.
it is understandable to feel like you do.I am just going to live my life and be vigilant for any lumps or bumps etc,Mum was 64 when unexpectedly diagnosed however almost 9 yrs later she is still here.
Would some counselling help ? I agree 59 is too young (FLOWERS)

madmother1 Sun 07-Aug-16 08:49:31

Do you mean mortality?

BabyTheCaveLion Sun 07-Aug-16 08:55:37

Yep, my dad died from cancer when he was 36. I'm turning 30 next year and I'm terrified of my children growing up without a parent like I did.

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sun 07-Aug-16 09:01:11

madmother1, really unkind sad

I think the fact your parents died so closely together is very likely going to have confused the grieving process to a point flowers

Was your mum a smoker? Lung cancer is obviously often caused by this. My own mum died when she was 51 and I was 16: she had cancer but in all honesty she was drinking very heavily and I think that was the root cause.

My dad - hmm, that's another matter. He died of a heart attack very suddenly aged 69, two years ago now when I was 32. His mum went in pretty much the same way when she was 75. I suspect I'll probably go like that but I don't know. After all my aunt, dads older sister, is still alive and healthy.

I think all we can do is try to be as healthy as possible. Would a body scan help reassure you when you get older? Most cancers can be cured if found in ample time.


SpareHead3 Sun 07-Aug-16 09:17:04

Of course the OP did madmother1 how obtuse to pick it up hmm

Pud I'm so sorry. You've had a terribly upsetting double blow. I'm not in your situation but you sound understandably anxious. Could your GP refer you for some counselling to talk it all through with a professional? Take care flowers

junebirthdaygirl Sun 07-Aug-16 09:38:16

My gm died when she was 54. As l approached that age l became paranoid that l would die at that age even though she had more than 30 grand kids so why me? I was very relieved to hit 55. My dm is 80 so has had much longer life than her dm. Sometimes we just have to take control of our thoughts and not let them run away with you
.Somewhere it says ( think it's the Bible but not totally sure) "Who of you can add one more day to your life by worrying"
If you're thoughts are impossible to rein in do get some counselling as it's a shame to ruin the actual days you do have.

LuckyBitches Mon 08-Aug-16 09:36:29

OP I would second MsAdorabelle's comment about anxiety/depression related pain. I've recently been treated for that - depression suppresses our natural capaicty for pain relief (or something!).

I still have both parents, but I can relate to your fears somewhat - my grandmother died with Alzheimers, and my Dad is now very demented at the age of 70. I can't but feel that I'm next. But if we know one thing, it's that life is unpredicatable!

flowers flowers

pud1 Mon 08-Aug-16 15:29:11

thank you for all the replies. i have only just noticed them. i am still waiting for my scan. i will be chasing the GP tomorrow if i dont hear by then. i think i am going to go back to the GP and discuss some kind of counselling. i have been telling myself that its just life and i need to deal with it but the last 2 weeks have really affected me.

madmother1 - thanks for pointing out my mistake, iphone auto-correct really is a bitch

chopchopchop Mon 08-Aug-16 15:34:57

My parents have both died within the last 6 years, and each time I have had very severe health anxiety as a result. I've been through all the pain checking, so I do know exactly how you feel.

I didn't want to take anti-depressants for this (tried them once, didn't get on) but they will make a big difference for most people.

What worked best for me is mindfulness mediation. It really, really, really helped. That and going out for a walk every single day.

Having said that, I'm having another bad outbreak of it and am about to hand myself in for counselling. (Some people find CBT very useful too, I didn't get on with it)

Backinthe1960s Mon 08-Aug-16 16:04:29

I lost my Dad while I was too young to remember him (ill health from WW2 in Burma) and my Mother when I was in my 20s (mental health problems - perhaps early onset dementia?)

I am 60+ now so I'm not too worried about my own mortality but I could see why other posters might be.

UntilTheCowsComeHome Mon 08-Aug-16 16:11:08

Sorry you're going through this op flowers

I know how you feel though. My parents have both died, my dad from a stroke at age 58 and my mum last year from lung cancer aged 62.

3 of my grandparents died young too. At 55, 63, and 62.

I have spells of worrying that I'll get ill while still young or that I'll die suddenly without warning like my nan and my dad did.

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