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What can I do to help my husband?

(4 Posts)
Spiralizer Sat 30-Jul-16 01:31:01

My husband's best friend - they were very close - collapsed and died last week. He was 40.

He was a very heavy drinker, had diabetes and depression, I don't know if it was the cause or the symptom of the drinking. He was trying to become sober, and succeeded for a few weeks. Then binged. This was the result.

My husband, who is naturally anxious anyway, and was having therapy for that, is now an emotional wreck. He blames himself for not going back to his country sooner to see his friend. He keeps asking me who he will lose next, and is paranoid about our baby, due in a few weeks. He agonises over the possibility our pets will die.

I have told him it is not his fault. I have suggested him taking leave from work, and returning to his country for a week or so to see people who knew his friend better than I did, and spend time with his parents and his friend's widow.

I have let him talk. Tried to take pressure off of him. I don't know what else I am able to do - I want to do my best for him, this was a horrible, unexpected blow - I am hoping that someone who knows better than me can suggest what the right thing to do might be?

Sophia1984 Sat 30-Jul-16 16:31:59

I'm so sorry for your husband's loss. It's so hard supporting someone you love when they are grieving, but it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of being there for him to talk to, and I think that is maybe all you can do.

Does he currently take medication for his anxiety? I wonder if you could support him to go to the doctor and possibly get something short-term to help with the shock and the impact it seems to have had on his mental health. Has he got an appointment coming up with his therapist? I wonder if you you could look into finding a bereavement counseller too. There's a thing called 'complicated grief' that it sounds like he could be at risk of because of his history of anxiety and the fact he blames himself for not being there - so would be worth getting in their early with some professional support.

Remember you need to take care of yourself and baby too. How are you bearing up? Have you got a support network around you? Hopefully baby arriving will bring the distraction he needs to stop him ruminating over what he could have done.

Hang on in there - it will get easier x

LuckyBitches Tue 02-Aug-16 16:25:08

Just to echo what Sophia has said - there are effective treatments for anxiety (Sertraline in my case). I would like to add that it sounds as though you are supporting him well by letting him talk. That's invaluable, and quite a rare quality.


Rainbowshine Tue 02-Aug-16 16:34:03

There's some great charities and voluntary organisations that offer counselling or advice for complicated bereavements. I'd start with Cruse bereavement care, they also have online help for those supporting the bereaved, like you.

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