dad

[Haudyerwheesht]

My dad died about 2 months ago. I've powered through - no major tears - upset at times but briefly then pushed it out my head.

Dh's dad has now been unexpectedly and suddenly diagnosed with aggressive cancer and I just feel like I can't keep being strong anymore.

I want to support dh but it's like they've all forgotten I've just lost my dad . There's a long history of them not really giving a shit about me and my family and only thinking of themselves but now I just feel like such a bitch. I'm not into competitive misery and I know they're scared and hurting but I just feel like I can't get too dragged down - they are very negative people - and I feel like I will get sucked down.


Not sure if I'm making sense really but I'm finding it hard to support dh and I know that soon we will be forced to tell the kids and they are only 9&5 and have already lost one grandad this year and it's all pretty shit really.

I've got a lot on my plate otherwise - a lot needs sorted for my mum since dad died - and I'm not very well myself.

I just feel like since Father's Day yesterday the grief of my dad has hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know what to do.

[Cacofonix]

Sorry you are feeling like this and sorry for your loss.

I lost my Dad unexpectedly last October and I really know what you mean by being strong and everyone else sort of forgetting what you've gone through. Father's Day brought a huge amount of emotions for me but neither my DH or DDs mentioned my Dad or acknowledged how I would be feeling. I guess because I have grieved 'well' - i.e. managed to pick myself up and get on they don't know how often I cry or feel incredibly sad when I am on my own. Perhaps that is my fault as I should articulate more.

I have no real advice for you with regards your FIL. I guess I would just quietly support my DH in this situation and know that when my DH was eventually bereaved that he would have a whole new understanding of what I went through - which he really doesn't now as he has no real experience of this.

[Haudyerwheesht]

Thanks for the reply and sorry for your loss.

Dh doesn't get it at all. Yesterday I said I wished his parents had acknowledged Father's Day might be hard for me and he said 'why would they think to mention your dad on fathers day'. He says I've taken it out of context but I don't fee how I have. I feel like now my dads dead I'm supposed to just forget. Dh was really good at the time but now he's annoyed with me and tbh I haven't really grieved until now. I said 'if it was your dad you wouldn't say that' and apparently thats insensitive and I've upset him.

He left me crying myself to sleep last night and walked off out the door when I was crying this morning.

Tbh I know he's hurting but my dad died extremely slowly over years with the last 6 weeks being beyond horrific and I didn't behave like he is now.

I am so hurt by him and maybe I'm being self absorbed but I just feel like it's all hit me at once and I just want to run away from the feelings and I can't.

[Haudyerwheesht]

Oh and we had booked a holiday for the first time ever with mum and dad (previously, ironically enough dad had been too ill) and we go next week. My dad never got to come and it's breaking my heart and I don't know how to get through it.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

I hear you and get what you are going through esp the coping at the time then falling apart when everyone expects you to get better..I also understand the dying very slowly and horrific bit.. I don't think I will ever fully recover from seeing what I saw even though at the time I was coping well..it's also been about two months for me. I guess everyone deals with it differently and your dh is in his own world of sadness at min and that's making him insensitive.. Don't know what to say to help other than I understand and I guess he will in his own way in time..can you go on holiday and think kindly of your Dad and use the time to remember him? I would find it very hard too,sorry I'm not much help but just wanted you to know you aren't alone

[Haudyerwheesht]

Thanks for the reply. Bleurgh it's all just shit. Sympathies to you.

[usernoidea]

Firstly, Im really sorry to hear about your dad.i think we all go into some sort of numbing autopilot straight after someone dies and then after that wears off you start being hit with reminders like smells, songs, that you won't ever be able to see them, speak to them ever again. It totally takes your breath away and hurts a lot
I'm disappointed to read that your dh can't see that his situation is totally raw and overly familiar for you. Could you try telling him that you're struggling but you'll try your best to support him?
I'm not sure if you feel like you could go to your dr and explain your situation? I'm sure you could be referred to someone who you could open up to if you don't feel you can to some of your nearest and dearest.....
You don't have to feel guilt at not being strong all the time. It's ok to have meltdowns , it's a really hard time X I still do years down the line, it doesn't get easier , but the panic and soreness get less X take care of yourself X

[Basicbrown]

I lost my mum about the same time. Similarly to you I'm getting on with life but boy is it hard. One of the most upsetting things for me is when people almost seem to forget that it happened (and therefore that she existed and still does for me ifyswim?). It feels like 'well that's done and dusted then' when I'm still finding it so difficult.

Your DH has not lost either of his parents yet. Yes, his df is very sick but it isnt the same and he can still talk to him. He therefore doesn't understand the depth of your grief (mine doesnt, although thankfully we don't have anything else going on in the family).

[Lweji]

My deepest sympathies.

It seems that you haven't had time or the opportunity to grieve properly for your dad and it is all crashing down now.
This is one unfortunate time when it's hard to be there for each other and any minor problems you had before as a couple or family will be inflated hugely.
If you can, I'd seek professional help, possibly for both, individually and as a couple.
And I'd try and seek support from friends more than your husband. He doesn't sound particularly great, but he is also in shock and it's not a great combination.