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Grieving for what should have been

(8 Posts)
CwtchMeQuick Sun 19-Jun-16 11:31:05

This morning should be my soulmate's first true Father's Day. This morning we should have been woken up at the crack of dawn by my four year old and our six month old jumping on my man. This morning he should have cuddled our kids in bed while I make coffee. He should have fed our baby girl her bottle while my boy and I make breakfast in bed. We should be laughing, we should be happy, and we should be together.

The reality is there is no baby, and my man is far away. We lost our baby before we ever got to hold her in our arms, and the day I lost her I started losing him too. His demons have beaten him down into a ghost of the man I loved. When I see him I see his grief written all over his face, and I see the future that was taken from us.

This morning I got woken by the four year old, we cuddled in bed and then I made tea for just me and orange juice for just him. There was no coffee brewing, and there was no bottle to be made, no presents to open and no nappies to be changed. My boy is my world, but I can't help but feel a little sad for what should have been.

I'm not really looking for replies, I just wanted to get this out, and I can't really talk to anyone about it in real life anymore. This day has hit me unexpectedly hard. I knew Christmas would be hard (my due date was Boxing Day), I knew I'd struggle through Mother's Day holding one baby and not two, I knew the anniversary of losing my girl would be tough. But it didn't cross my mind that today would be an especially difficult one. So tonight when I tuck my boy into bed, I'll be lighting a candle for the life that should have been and taking a minute to think about my baby girl, my man, and everyone that is struggling this Father's Day.

Msqueen33 Sun 19-Jun-16 11:32:06

Hugs to you.

Mozismyhero Sun 19-Jun-16 11:51:48

Sending love flowers

Helloooomeee Sun 19-Jun-16 13:24:43

flowers every family day will be tinged with sadness remembering your baby girl. Give your boy a big hug and look after yourself. Try not to wallow but allow yourself to feel this grief and know that it's ok.

ThatsMyStapler Sun 19-Jun-16 13:39:41

flowers

hidingwithwine Sun 19-Jun-16 19:49:37

flowers

icelollycraving Mon 20-Jun-16 14:16:30

flowers

sorbetandcream1 Mon 20-Jun-16 19:59:03

Thinking of you. It all sounds so difficult and painful. It sounds from what you have written like you only lost your little one in the last year. It must all be so painful going through the 'firsts'.

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