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It has hit me, I am alone

(21 Posts)
welshpixie Wed 08-Jun-16 17:49:05

My Dh died in February very suddenly of sepsis, he was a good man and adored me and our Dd. It has hit me today that I am totally alone. Dd is away at uni and will be away all summer, she is going to be about 8 hours drive from me. I was pushed to get rid of the dog, so there is no-one for to me to come home too. My parents are still alive but getting older and very set in their ways. My Dm can always make it about her, even Dh's death affected her more than me.
I don't want to stop Dd going away for the summer, but she doesn't seem to think about me (maybe it's her way of dealing with everything). I have been seeing a counsellor but told him I was fine this week, which I was, but today I can't stop crying. I really miss him today, normally I would have a moan about Dd to him, and he is not here
On top of this it looks as though my job contract will not be renewed in July. so yay I am possibly going to be unemployed too.

fatsatsuma Wed 08-Jun-16 17:56:21

I'm so sorry welshpixie. My own DH died last year so I know a little bit of what you're going through - but my DC are younger so I'm not facing being literally on my own yet. That must be so hard.

I know enough from my own grief to know that there is no advice I can give you which will make you miss your DH any less. There are no shortcuts through the pain of bereavement. But it is really really early days for you, and I think we just have to go through those days of crying when they hit us, and enjoy the good days when they come too.

Thinking of you and hoping tomorrow will be a bit easier.

Horsemad Wed 08-Jun-16 17:57:53

Hello welshpixie, flowers sorry to hear things are not great for you (we spoke on another thread a few months ago).

Grief is a lonely road and there is no right or wrong path. I imagine you've been in shock and now the reality is kicking in. The first year is such a hard one. sad

Do you have siblings who can be there for you? Maybe plan to meet up with your DD halfway through her time away if this is possible? It could be something to look forward to. Do you socialise with workmates (I appreciate you my not feel upto this yet).

ApocalypseSlough Wed 08-Jun-16 17:58:27

Where's your daughter going and is there any chance you can meet her half way through?
Where's the dog? If a friend took it or it went to a rescue maybe you could get it back. Write down how you're feeling now to tell the counsellor next week and maybe discuss with him why you said you were fine.
But most of all flowers you sound very lonely and not surprisingly so. It will get less painful but crying sounds a completely rational response!

welshpixie Wed 08-Jun-16 18:40:26

Thank you everyone, not two minutes after I posted, Dd sent me a message that she was thinking of me, she also had some fantastic news which I can't repeat on here or I will out myself and her. lets just say her being away all summer is now worth it. I do have work colleagues who have been brilliant and are there for me, it is just I don't want to dump on them all the time.
Dog is with friends and I am going there in the summer, Dd will also be staying with them o I get to have time with both, just have to remember it is not that long till I go.

ApocalypseSlough Wed 08-Jun-16 18:42:20

Onwards and upwards but look after yourself. Will you talk with your counsellor about saying you're fine when not? flowers

welshpixie Wed 08-Jun-16 18:45:54

Apocalype I honestly thought it was getting better shows what I know

Horsemad Wed 08-Jun-16 18:56:20

Don't expect too much of yourself, you are totally allowed to feel the way you do. I'm glad you've had a message from your DD - she may be miles away, but she's thinking of you! smile

tribpot Wed 08-Jun-16 18:58:18

I don't think it's linear, is it? I'm basing that on what I've read on MN than personal experience but I think grief comes in waves, and it makes sense given all the changes coming up in your life that a wave would hit you now.

Is there a reason why you can't take the dog back? Could the job contract ending be an opportunity, either to move elsewhere or do some travelling or in some other way shake up your current routine? I know a friend's grandmother did an amazing trip to the US when she had been widowed for a bit longer than you have and it transformed her; she found a new joie de vivre and basically unstoppable after that.

I think some people find it comforting to talk to their loved one, even though they're not here.

Great news about your dd, I'm glad that gives you a new way of looking at her absence over the summer.

MamaTeeTee Wed 08-Jun-16 19:06:16

My DH died at new year and I too have these waves of grief. We just have to take each day as it comes. Just ride with the bad ones and enjoy the good ones. I still have days where I cry all day and don't leave the house. But they are getting less frequent.
This is hard shit. Sometimes it's massively overwhelming. My dc are only 4 and 6 so I have continuous distraction. But it's hard and its unfair.

welshpixie Wed 08-Jun-16 19:08:45

Tribot and Horsemad I can't take the dog back as she hates being left alone and she is in a fantastic place to live, it wouldn't be fair to bring her back to an inner city place after doggy paradise. I hope the job scene night be a good sign, there is a job I have seen just the hours I want and very close to where I live, just got to get around to applying for it.

Horsemad Wed 08-Jun-16 20:10:19

Sounds like a good opportunity to apply welshpixie smile You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I'm sure your current work colleagues are more than happy to be there for you, so don't feel like you are dumping on them.

I understand about the dog; it wouldn't be fair to her. Are you a cat person? Would a feline friend be a solution? Might be worth considering.

Klaptout Wed 08-Jun-16 21:00:38

I'm sorry to hear that your DH died. 💐
it's hard to get through the days and the loneliness can feel never ending.
It's great that your DD has had some goods news, it's hard to let them go away when things are so difficult for you at home.
Sorry your parents are not able to give you the support you need right now.
I hope something comes up job wise for you.
I'm sure your colleagues would listen though I understand the worry that you feel about it. I think some people really just don't know what to say or what might help.
I was widowed 8 years ago, one of the things that I found useful was joining WAY, widowed and young, a lot of mutual support from people who just get it. I made lots of friends, some that I just spoke to online.
To all the other posters that were also widowed 💐

welshpixie Wed 08-Jun-16 21:26:10

Klaptout I thought about WAY and although I am young enough, my Dh was 70 so feel a bit I should be with older widows. I have always known I was likely to be a widow relatively young (22 year age gap) but the manner of his death and its speed has left me a bit overwhelmed. We were getting to know each other again after Dd left home and to be honest it was like being newly weds although we had been married 26 years.

welshpixie Wed 08-Jun-16 21:32:27

Do you think kids know when we are having a moan, Dd even rang me up for a chat. Mainly because I have offered to buy her a car but also to celebrate her success with me.

Klaptout Wed 08-Jun-16 22:36:11

WAY is open to all, doesn't matter what age your DH was, there are lots of people on WAY that weren't married, none of that stuff counts, dealing with the death of your partner is what binds people there.
I can only imagine the shock of a sudden death,, sepsis is awful.
Not only are you dealing with the death of your life partner you have the added trauma of sudden death.
I'm sure that your DD is tuned into how you are feeling, it's good that you have the sort of relationship where she picks up the phone to see how you are doing.
There's an online group 'Merry widows' (don't be put off by the name) where you don't have to pay to join but I've not been on there for sometime, the lady that set it up wrote a book called, death and how to survive it, I read it a few times as I found it helpful.
Do you want to talk about your DH?

Horsemad Thu 09-Jun-16 17:51:53

How are you feeling today welshpixie?

welshpixie Fri 10-Jun-16 05:24:26

Horsemad I am feeling a bit brighter, I am up at this ungodly hour because I have to work early not because I am not sleeping. Funnily enough I have not had a problem sleeping at all.

Horsemad Fri 10-Jun-16 07:00:22

Good to hear you are feeling better, I hope you have a nice weekend smile

QueenOnAPlate Fri 10-Jun-16 07:07:43

I think grief does come in waves and the grief of your daughter leaving probably triggers the feeling of grief from your DH. Have you thought about 'borrow my doggy' - it's a website that links dog owners with dog lovers and you walk their dog or borrow it for weekends. I know a few people who do it and love it if they can't have a dog full time.

Hope things settle for you soon, you sound like you are doing really well, and these overwhelming feelings are hard, but important in processing everything x

Crabbitauldbisom2 Sat 18-Jun-16 14:58:13

Dear OP, I feel for you. I am in a similar situation as my older DH died suddenly earlier in the year. My children are also adults. The loneliness and the waves of grief are horrible. Kids are great but quite rightly they have their own lives. It's also quite hard to be an object of sympathy, although all help and support is welcome. I don't think there is any answer. It's just crap and we have to live through it. Hope you can enjoy your DD's good news whether it be a good job/internship/PG scholarship or whatever. I guess it can only get better.

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