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My DH killed himself 11 days ago

(28 Posts)
Hero1callylost Tue 24-May-16 07:43:44

I have a 2 yr old, he's 3 on Thursday. We had birthday plans, loads of plans for decorating and improving the house, he was in the middle of an OU degree. He was really unhappy in his job but I thought it was a temporary thing - just one of those really stressful phases of life but had light at the end of the tunnel. We were totally in love - in a tired parents stressful phase but a really deep love underneath that. I came home to police on the doorstep and a beautiful letter from DH saying he couldn't bare to not be the man who makes me happy (a mantra he had ever since we got together - he always said he wanted to be the man to make me happy).

I have so many lovely friends and family about, haven't been alone in the house since (tonight will be first night alone). For the first few days after the police telling me I was distraught, crying all the time, exhausted. That seemed like an appropriate response which properly reflected the depth of my love.

While I've been planning the funeral etc, after putting DS to bed and sometimes waking up in the mornings I've had overwhelming feelings of grief, terrified of life alone, that I'll never have that depth of connection and shared worldview I had with DH. But a lot of the time (like now) I'm struggling to have any feelings - just a numbness, maybe still shock. From day 3 I've slept really soundly - think my body just gave out after not sleeping at all. But that feels so wrong!

Having DS means I have to care for him, keep him in his nursery routine etc, even though there's people around to help me I still need to direct them. DS has taken everything so well.

I'm so worried that life is just marching on. DS barely mentions DH (though I've told him the basics on the advice of a charity). Is it normal to feel so on top of things at this point? I feel so guilty.

Stuffofawesome Tue 24-May-16 07:53:51

So sorry for your loss. This organisation might be of use.

QOD Tue 24-May-16 07:55:44

it's the stages of grief thing isnt it.
You go through differing emotions and acceptances. Your DS being so young is very accepting, probably doesn't grasp the finality.
Sadly there are at least 3 ladies on here who have been.widowed by suicide in the last few months, threads you possibly remember sad
someone will be along soon who has been there.
in the meantime, be kind to yourself and rake help that's offered

Stuffofawesome Tue 24-May-16 07:56:02

Can I just add... any response is okay. People grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way.

CwtchMeQuick Tue 24-May-16 07:58:02

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

What you're feeling sounds totally normal. You're probably still in shock and you're going through the motions because you have to. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all.

again, I am so sorry flowers

Helloooomeee Tue 24-May-16 07:59:58

I have no first hand experience but I couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this flowers

You are likely still in shock. You have been very practical and are on top of all the arrangements that need taking care of as your son needs you to. You sound like an amazing mummy and your own emotions will take time and will likely hit you in the months to come when you're least expecting it. Take your time and please try not to feel guilty.

Openmindedmonkey Tue 24-May-16 08:02:35

My heart goes out to you, you are doing such an amazing job simply functioning in this situation.
I'm sure you will feel all sorts of emotions as a result of this tragedy, please let others support & guide you through this as much as possible. Sometimes we cope with trauma by clinging to routine in an attempt to retain some control over life; don't feel guilty at doing that.
Also, children react differently in such times; he is very young & will process it at his own rate. Simply be there for him as he grows & asks questions.
I wish you love & strength for your future with DS, now & in the long term. He is a very lucky boy to have you.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Tue 24-May-16 08:16:00

Oh you poor woman. What a terrible terrible thing to go through.

I have no direct experience but I do know that grief is physical as well as emotional, and that it takes many different forms and paths.

Be kind to yourself and keep talking on here if it helps x

Hero1callylost Tue 24-May-16 08:27:50

Thank you everyone. I'm hearing that a lot - that grief is personal and there's no right way to grieve. I just feel so wrong!

It happened completely out of the blue - there were just no clues that he was significantly unhappy and had been forever as he said in his letter. Everyone who knew him is in shock as he was just the loveliest person you'd ever meet - a bit of a joker and irritating at times, but so expansive in his love for everyone and his positive outlook on life. I was the one who gets depression every so often, become a bitch to live with until I give in and get medication. He was my rock.

My DS has just accepted everything I've told him (daddy has died, he won't be coming back, he was really sick and sad in his mind and got too close to a train). He's very bright for his age and has repeated to me what's happened at times, and said "poor daddy". DH was an amazing dad, so proud to the point of probably boring our friends on Facebook showing off so many photos! I just can't bear the thought of DS not remembering him.

GlitteryFluff Tue 24-May-16 09:01:30

No advice, I'm just so sorry xx

TooShyShyHushHush Tue 24-May-16 09:06:33

I am so sorry for your loss.

Numbness is a normal response to grief though. Almost like you're subconsciously protecting yourself from too much pain all at once. You may find some feelings start to trickle in like the odd bit of anger or sadness. It's a defence mechanism in a way. And probably a bit of mothering instinct thrown in to protect DS from seeing you fall apart.

Pure exhaustion and seemingly sleeping soundly is also 'normal' for some people. You don't realise how physically straining it is for your body to hold it all together and keep you numb or functioning. And you'll be processing a lot of emotions in your sleep. Although you may feel you've slept well because you don't remember waking it doesn't mean it's been deep quality sleep.

Don't try and focus on how you should be feeling. Just try and deal with each day as it comes.

cocopops Tue 24-May-16 12:00:18

You poor love. I was in your position 3 months ago and as people have said, there is no right or wrong way to behave, just do whatever suits you and helps you get through the day. The first few weeks are hellish but I found that keeping to a routine, taking my daughter to school etc etc really helped me focus and get some strength to deal with things.
Take whatever help you can get- find the strongest friend you have and get them to act as your spokesperson for things you are not up to handling. For your son, please look at the Winston's Wish website as it has some very useful information on how to cope with a child's bereavement.
I am still coming to terms with everything but if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.
Sending you big hugs xxx

newtscamander Tue 24-May-16 12:01:34

I'm sorry for your loss, I hope life is otherwise kind to you and your son.

Sophia1984 Tue 24-May-16 12:12:19

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Depression is an absolute monster :-( I think it is sadly more common for men to not show signs of major depression - there may well not have been any clues there for anyone to see. You sound like you have a lovely family and are doing your absolute best for your little boy and for your DH's memory. I would imagine that the adrenaline has kicked in which is how you are getting through every day - it's nothing to feel guilty for. I'm holding you all in my thoughts xxx

dilys4trevor Tue 24-May-16 19:43:11

My H killed himself in Jan. Jumped in front of a tube.

Very different situation as he had not behaved well and it is this (betrayal) I struggle with more than his death.

My DC are 7,5 and almost 2. They have coped well although I made H leave a week before he died (he had had an affair at our shared workplace which he had been caught out on, but I'd been asking him to shape up and start being a good husband and father - or go - for months). My eldest son asked me last night 'why did you make him go?' I explained he had had someone else and that is not ok when you're married but I worry our relationship (mine and eldest DS) will suffer.

Not sure I can be that helpful as I am still too livid to do any grieving and he had been foul for ages.

I can tell you tho that kids adjust amazingly.

I have since gone back to work and gotten more childcare so I can go out with friends and go to the gym and work and all the things I used to do, as well as spend time with DC. It helps.

I am so sorry. flowers

Moosmummie Sun 29-May-16 15:31:05

Hello. My husband took his own life last November. Please don't worry about anything you are feeling at the moment, you are in shock and you will stay in shock for a few months yet. I agree with Dilys as I was in a similar situation. He was dreadful for the two years before he died. Now I can sort of see that it was indicative of his mental state, but at the time I just hated him. Now I hate him more than ever, I am beyond livid so if you are still at the stage of grieving then do express it as much as you can. He has ruined my kids lives and has fractured his family beyond mending. I know I should not be thinking that it is his fault as suicide is rarely a rational decision, but I do blame him - very much.

I would urge you to seek some outside help - although I am only just on the verge of doing this myself. There are support groups and so on. It is so hard because I feel I can't say what I'm really thinking to anyone - he's got the upper hand as he's dead.

I am so so sorry for you, it's just utterly crap and we just have to get through it the best we can. I have got through the last 6 months by resolutely putting my kids first and not concentrating on anything else. Work has helped me immeasurably, while I'm there I can't think about anything else. I find the weekends and the holidays are very hard. Also visit your GP, the anti depressants have helped a lot.

I wish you all the best and would love to stay in touch. xxx

Hero1callylost Fri 03-Jun-16 19:16:42

Thank you, that's so kind. Feeling like I'm doing ok but like the grief hasn't really hit me in a way - I've had some waves but only one afternoon and one evening of feeling utterly desperately lonely. If I'd imagined this situation I guess I thought I'd be feeling like that all the time.

I'm opposite to a few of you in that I utterly adored my DH, he really was an amazing man although had his flaws like we all do. There's been points where I've been planning the service eg picking out photos for a slideshow when it's really begun to sink in. Perhaps I'm on autopilot a lot of the time, looking after DS and getting back into housework routine as a way of coping.

Hero1callylost Fri 03-Jun-16 19:23:10

I feel so guilty that I didn't notice tiny things that I can see now with hindsight - indications that he had given up or wanted to talk. I feel SO bad that I wasn't more patient and didn't truly listen to him. I think I've been distracted by bringing up DS as when you have a child they naturally become your priority for a while.

I don't need any more people to say 'but it's not your fault' or 'you mustn't feel guilty!' The fact is I do and I have probably been one of the contributing factors, along with pressures at his work, finances not being great, him not speaking up and seeking help for depression. He's hidden it unbelievably well, which makes me admire him so much at the sacrifice he's made for our family's happiness - but also unbelievably sad that he valued his own happiness so little.

I will get counselling via my work but it's too soon at the moment - apparently it's most useful a few months after the event. I'm still finding out details and there will be an inquest in September which may well raise more issues.

Hero1callylost Fri 03-Jun-16 19:24:58

Oh and having DS's birthday 2 weeks later, Father's Day coming up a month later and DH's birthday 2 months later is just shit! What a time to pick.

ocelot41 Fri 03-Jun-16 19:26:19

I am so so terribly sorry flowers

calamityjam Fri 03-Jun-16 19:30:58

Hi Op, I lost dh 10 years ago this year. my dc's were 9,5 and 3. P lease feel free to pm me if you are feeling down or just need to vent. x

Itsnotallaboutyou Fri 03-Jun-16 22:01:54

I am so sorry about your loss Hero

I can't say anything to make you feel better but I hope these posts will help.

Easier said than done but please try and not to feel guilty. Hopefully counselling will help you with this.

dilys4trevor Sun 05-Jun-16 20:33:01

Wow, Moosmummie you have put into word exactly how I am feeling.

I hate him and I feel like it was the final 'fuck you.' There is no right of reply and he will never realise how badly he had behaved. He just opted out. And I think he did it in part to 'be a hero' if that makes sense. A bit 'you'll all be sorry now.' Like he couldn't take responsibility for his own fuck ups and thought he needed to find a way to regain victim status. I know I am supposed to feel sad but I just think it's all so loathsomely weak. To leave his kids like that when the mess was his own fault.

When I say this stuff I can feel people thinking I am callous or bitter.

I might PM you if Ok. Calamityjam has gone through something similar.

Sorry to hijack, OP xx

GasLightShining Mon 06-Jun-16 13:43:49

dilys I haven't been through this so I don't know what is it is like but I don't think you are callous at all. He left you with a load of shit to sort out and it most definitely isn't fair on your young children.

If you are worried about your DS I would approach one of the charities that deals with children and bereavement.

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Jun-16 13:54:22

I can absolutely understand why people might be furious. OP, I know your situation is different and I'm so sorry - you must miss him terribly. But for dilys and moosmummie, yes, I can see why you'd be livid. It puts you in the wrong (though clearly you're not) and it makes them the victim and it leaves you explaining to your children what's happened, it leaves them fatherless and you have to explain your relationship to people when it's none of their business. Dilys, I hope that woman is no longer working there.

flowers to all of you.

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