Memories of Jack - born sleeping 5th March 2016
There are so many sad things that can happen in life but nothing prepares you for losing a child or children. The worry and despair that something bad will happen again actually becomes reality. You wish that you are asleep and this is a nightmare, it can't be happening again, but it is. Every scan you see, you grow more attached and love your baby so much, this little boy or girl will change your life forever.
I read a quote from a box the hospital gave me when my baby died, it was so apt and explained everything I felt at that moment, 'I carried you for every second of your life, but I will love you for every second of mine.' When you are told that there is a problem and that your baby will not make it you think to yourself can it be? You doubt yourself and everything that has been said in the past you believe and you begin blame yourself, why me again, I am a good person aren't I? What can I do to make this better? It must be wrong surely, now I need a second opinion. You go on all the websites you can to find any answers you can to help to understand why? Why? Why?
You have a heavy heart, but don't want your child to suffer any longer so you decide that you will do what the doctors suggest. You wave your white flag of defeat, this is now beyond your control and you have to let God and nature take its course.
The nerves and guilt eat you up and you are dreading this, what is going to happen next, and how? Will your baby suffer? So many questions, but who do you ask? You love your husband and family so much and don't want to put this hurt on them and to show them how you are feeling. You know there are people you can talk to, but to be fair you feel so alone. No two situations are ever the same therefore no one can truly understand the hurt and pain you are feeling. You know you can breathe but your heart is breaking and you wish and pray for a miracle. It doesn't come. Then you think to yourself how will this affect you and your family? How will you begin to manage and cope with this trauma? You have to be fine, you need to carry on for those around you and the responsibilities you have? Mortgages, bills, food for your family....
It's D-day and the day is finally here, for me it was my aunties 30th birthday and I felt guilty to take away the happiness away from her and her birthday celebrations. The next day is Mother's Day and you want to be happy for your mum, and to let you daughter spoil you but you are broken inside.
It's so scary having to deliver a baby early, miscarry or whatever your situation is, but having the right support will make it more bearable. I was very lucky and had my loving husband and my amazing and very big family behind me, my mums (I have a couple of adopted ones too) on call ready for when I needed to talk and even FaceTime enabled! I must admit though one person who I will never forget was the absolute angel of a nurse who took wonderful care of me. The first nurse wasn't very helpful, and just left me and my husband with the induction tablets and told me to go ahead when I was ready and to call her when it was all done? The shock and fear that my husband was going to have to deliver our gorgeous little baby was surreal, what do we do he said to her. Just sit on the toilet with a bedpan and call me once it's all done???? Really???? Luckily for us the night nurse took over and introduced herself to me just in the nick of time.
I ruined my underwear as I wasn't prepared fully. I did have maternity pads on but not to the extent I needed for this. Tena lady nappies and elastic pants became my new best friend! Total passion killers I know but under the circumstances it didn't matter - needs must! For me I was very lucky and delivered our beautiful baby very quickly, baby S was born sleeping on the 5th March 2016. So sad to have delivered and lost our beautiful little baby but so relieved you are not suffering anymore and so grateful to have been able to spend that precious hour with you.... Our beautiful, perfect and tiny little baby, whom we love with all our hearts and we hope one day we will get to see again.
Almost bleeding to death (complication from the internal bleed) and the placenta not detaching properly was the highlight of the night after our baby's delivery. So much drama and stuff happening that you would not have thought of made it all so strange. Everything in your life can change in a heartbeat so please take heed and enjoy every second of it, and learn from the hard times! I certainly have and will continue to look at things differently.
Spending the precious hour with our little man Jack was one of the best moments of our lives, our baby boy born sleeping. Who would have known how much you could love one little boy. We were convinced when he was born that he was a boy from looking at him (and his parts, there was no mistaking that) and when we had this confirmed from all the tests it made us realise how big the holes in our hearts were, and how much he would have completed our lovely little family.... How much his mummy and daddy would have adored him and how sad it was that his big sister was never going to hold him, kiss him, play with him, fight with him and protect him at school.
Going back to work was so hard you want to forget about the sadness and all you can think about is the grief and the feeling of loss.... You wish things could be different and that you could hold this precious boy in your arms once more..... You love him so much and are so sad that he had such a short life, you couldn't protect him and now he's in heaven.....
You didn't tell anyone at work so it's hard to hide the grief inside... You try to keep busy so you don't think about him (or try not to) but when you have a moment the sadness overwhelms you and you and let it in, it all comes rushing back..... You try to fight the tears so that people can't see but it's so hard not to think about the precious love you had that is now gone! How can life be so cruel that this can happen and that you can lose your baby in this way? You question yourself and ask how can there be a god? You understand that other cruel things can happen in life but ask why this, and why did it happen to you and your family? He didn't exist in your work life, which is extremely sad as he should exist, but thinking about Jack brings back the pain, you will never forget him but working and keeping busy makes it so much easier to accept (you think)! Accepting that you don't think about him means this hasn't happened and he is safe and well....
You try to organise his funeral and it feels so wrong, you wish you could swap places with him so he can have the chance to live a happy life, grow to be successful and to the be the boy you longed for and can be proud of. You basically want him to be just like his daddy! You picture him fixing cars and helping daddy do DIY around the house. You think about how Jack would idolise his big sister Chloe, but can see him growing up to annoy his sister and her friends as he gets older and she becomes a teenager... You can picture it all but it's all gone, gone in a split second. The pain is still so unbearable but knowing when he is laid to rest you can begin to heal, you plan everything but need to ensure all the family’s wishes are respected too. You have been dreading this day so much, you prepare all the things you can so that in your mind your baby is looked after and can follow the family’s traditions therefore will be at peace. You want your baby to be happy and looked after by your loved ones who can no longer be on this earth. Our Jack will be sleeping with my grandparents.... I can visit my grandparents and Jack at the same time; my mum is going to help me plant a flowerbed for him... Beautiful and manageable just like he would have been to us xx
Buying flowers was the last thing I needed to do, I was putting it all off for as long as I could as it felt so final, and if we did this then I couldn't deny the fact that this was really happening. I will never forget the florist too who was so lovely. I didn't use the usual florist, as I didn't want her to see my pain and know what we were going through so just found the nearest one to my house. She was in the middle of something when I arrived but dropped everything to help me choose flowers for my Jack, a small spray for his tiny coffin I asked, did you want white she asked? Yes please, any favourite flowers she added, I said I'm sorry I don't know, please can you just make it look beautiful just like him - my beloved baby son.... She came over to hug me as my tears rolled down my hot red cheeks. She said she was sorry for our loss and it makes her so sad to do flowers for babies’ funerals. She gave me cards so when I got home, I wrote our card and finished off putting everything together for Jack’s coffin ready for tomorrow. It's come around so fast. I can't believe it.
We didn't want a wake so invited family and a very select few friends to our house to have tea, coffee and cake. We organised cinnamon rolls, chocolate fudge brownies and a plain big birthday cake that I decorated for him....Hubby said I did a great job and Jack was a lucky boy to have a mummy that loved him so much. I couldn't bear the thought of being at home after the funeral without him so we decided to go away as a family - it's Easter half term and so we chose a spa mini break in Hunstanton, which would be a lovely twist to the day....
The day of Jack's funeral arrives - I couldn't sleep so woke up early just to sit and think about him.... Showering and making sure all our clothes were ready. Chloe made sure she showered and got ready herself too. She looked so beautiful, we are so lucky to have her and I must always remember that! She is such a kind and caring little girl and we made her and have bought her up to be what she is today. Getting his helium balloons ready, thank you cards for all the family and friends, butterflies and the flowers for the grave..... The funeral car arrives as I looked into the window I saw a gorgeous white box inside the middle seat, both me and the hubby sat with him on the drive to the cemetery whist Chloe was at the front with Clare. I met Clare at the funeral home she is one of the directors for the charity that organised Jack's funeral, called ‘Children are butterflies’. She has been like a rock to our little family and has since become a wonderful friend. Most of our family and friends were waiting for us to arrive at the grave; we had to wait for mum to arrive who had been up cooking since 5am bless her, she made sure Jack had a good send off. James and I carry Jack to his final resting place - just in front of my granddad - the tears flow but James is being so strong, Chloe comes to my side and tells me she loves Jack from her heart to her feelings to her brain, that was the sweetest thing to hear at that moment and I know how much she loves her little brother. She said to me, “Mummy I'm sad but want to be strong for you....”. Mummy no 2 (my uncles wife who is always there for me) has the most beautiful words to celebrate Jack's short life and two readings/poems for me and James. It was beautiful and there was not a dry eye at the grave but for me tears only for a few moments. I'm fighting hard to hold back the tears as in the Buddhist tradition you shouldn't cry at funerals because the spirit cannot leave you and I want Jack to be safe and in heaven.
I feel so numb and empty as I see his little coffin lowered into the ground and as paper white petals are sprinkled over him instead of the dirt... I feel lost and helpless and cannot move when the two men fill up the grave with the dirt and soil they dug out previously. ‘’Goodbye our sweet boy, our family will love you and miss you forever. Mummy feels a little peace now you’re in your final resting place. Mummy knows you'll always be here for mummy, daddy, Chloe and the family can visit you whenever they want now and mummy can come when she needs to talk to you to keep you updated with our life without you. Mummy's heart is aching; wants to be in there with you to keep you warm, but know the blanket (that your cousin Kerrie made for you) with daddy's aftershave and your tiny hat with mummy's perfume will keep you safe and warm.... You are gone baby but never forgotten and mummy has put our photos and our hearts in there with you always and forever....."
Traditional burial is now complete with more candles and joss sticks than you can ever imagine but grandma is happy that her prayers were answered and it's not raining. The sun is shining for you Jack, you are our beautiful boy who is an angel who will protect us and watch over us, you will be our brightest star in the sky..... You have made our little family that much stronger and even though you were only on this earth a short time you have left the biggest impact on all of our lives, we are so truly grateful to have had you in the family and you will always have a place in our hearts and in our home xxx
Sleep tight little one sweetest dreams and until we meet again.
Some people only dream of angels…
We have held one in our arms and forever in our hearts.
The morning after, I slept better than before, I had weeks of restless sleep since I knew there may have been something wrong, but I still wake up before the alarm clock goes off thinking about you and missing you. The pain is still there but it's a different type of pain, it's somewhat less heavy.... Waking up that morning in Hunstanton and ready for a new day, and to give the opportunity for your big sister have a little more fun in her life again with you with us in spirit, it's been a tough 6 weeks for all of us and your big sister has coped with a lot..... (Mummy and daddy crying, mourning you and missing you and knowing that you are in heaven). My boss texted me today to ask if I could cover for him as he's been sick all night and I have to say no as it’s our day xxx the S family day xxx
A week on and I still think about you everyday, I have been to your grave a few times but I wish things could be different and that you were still with us. I bought you an angel baby to put near your grave and he is beautiful like you, but we have to wait for the ground to settle first. I love you my darling and always will, please look down and know you have a family that loves you and misses you dearly. Sleep tight our precious baby Jack.
You are our angel, our darling, our star..... And our love will find you wherever you are.
Love you always mummy, daddy and your big sister Chloe
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5 replies
Mummysthoughts · 10/05/2016 20:35
OP posts:
Poppins27 ·
19/05/2016 20:10
Im sorry for your loss, Jack sounds lucky to have such a lovely family. Beautiful words. Take care of one another 
xx
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