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no time to grieve

(13 Posts)
JSlondon Sun 24-Apr-16 23:33:29

I am a mum to 2 wonderful children - an 18 month old and a 3 month old. I lost my mum last month, suddenly with no warning. We lived near each other and along with being the most amazing mum, she was a good friend and my prime support (apart from my partner). Looking after the kids takes up pretty much all my time. My daughter doesn't nap in the day and my baby is nocturnal. Some days I'm such a mess, sobbing my heart out and others I am ok. I feel like I'm heading for a downward spiral - at a time in my life when I really need support, I've lost my main support. I wish I had the right words as I would hate it to sound like I'm equating my mum to a babysitter or a helping hand. If she were here and I were grieving for another, I'd be able to pick up the phone to her, or she'd come over to give me support or space or practical help or a mum cuddle.

I'm struggling with the day to day - the place is a tip - it can take me numerous trips to simply unload a dishwasher or put a wash on in between looking after the kids. I'm shattered. I need to grieve properly.

Some people seem to think that being busy is great to get over grief. For me, it's not. Whilst the kids are an absolute ray of sunshine, I need some impromptu space at the times when the grief really hits. My partner is incredibly supportive, but obviously has to work and be a dad. He's also lost his support (my mum). At times when I feel like I'd just like to pop out for a walk and a chat with him to talk about mum, we obviously can't because of the kids. I feel like I need my mum to help me come to terms with losing my mum, which obviously can't happen. I can't bear that she won't get to spend time with my kids. How have others coped with finding time to properly grieve when they have young kids?

MummyBex1985 Mon 25-Apr-16 08:03:46

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Secondly, I know how you feel. My mum was, ironically, the only person who could have supported me through her death.

I have four young DCs and to be honest for a good few days I didn't really do anything around the house. The best thing DH could do was keep on top of the housework and do the cooking.

It does get easier, slowly. One day soon you'll feel able to cope with the every day stuff. Then, you'll start wanting to do it and managing to get on top of it again. This isn't a normal situation and it isn't forever.

Best advice I can give is listen to your body and mind. If you can't face housework then don't try. Ask for help with the DCs if you're struggling - people will understand. Ask your DH to do as much house stuff as possible. Try and nap when your DCs too if you aren't sleeping.

My mum died at Christmas and I still have the urge to pick up the phone whenever I need advice. I'm not sure it ever goes away but it's getting easier to deal with and bad days and fewer and further between. There's light at the end of the tunnel, I promise!

JSlondon Mon 25-Apr-16 18:40:55

I'm sorry for your loss. At some point I hope it will get easier.

cocochanel21 Tue 26-Apr-16 19:25:48

Sorry for your lossflowers.

I lost my Dd1 7mths ago I was 7mths pregnant with Dd2 at the time. At the time i didn't grieve I just felt numb and before I knew it Dd2 was born. Having a newborn I just tried to get on with thing's BUT it was the wrong thing to do. I recently started bereavement counselling at first I found it very hard to open up I'm slowly getting there I hope but everyday is different.
All I wanted at the time was my mum, but unfortunately she is in a care home and has dementia I can remember going to see her shortly after Dd1 died and crying outside then pulling myself together to go inside to see her it was awful.
Take Care.

JSlondon Wed 27-Apr-16 23:42:53

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope the counselling is helping.
I had to take my son to the doctor today (not serious - he's just not gaining weight as fast as he should). I started crying at the appointment and they've referred me to a grief counseller at the end of May. I don't know if it's a one off session or not, but maybe it will help. My mum lost her dad a couple of days before I was born and I wished I'd have asked her how she coped with that and tried to understand that part of her life. Been sobbing all over the place and absolutely yearning for her today. She was so warm and selfless - highlighted all the more by her absence.

meffhead Mon 02-May-16 03:40:09

I can honestly say that it does get easier !!! Lost my mum in June 2014 she was diagnosed with lung cancer in early May 2014 and we lost her 6 weeks later! In April she wS in Mexico dancing in the tables !!!!
I've got a disabled DS and two other DC so relied on her heavily for emotional support ( we live 230 miles apart) I'd speak to her 3-4 times per day and FaceTime daily.
I needed and still do Sertaline to get through... Without it I get horrendous health anxiety that i will die and leave disabled DS.
For at least a year I just thought she was on holiday (we would speak but not as much ). I'm not sure I've totally accepted her death but I don't absolutely ache as much as I did !!!!

Thinking if you xxxx

sonlypuppyfat Mon 02-May-16 03:56:44

You poor thing I'm so sorry. I lost my dad very suddenly when my DS was a baby. My mum was so grief stricken I felt like I wasn't allowed to grieve for him at all, it was all look after mum look after the baby it was awful but it does get better. Be gentle with yourself

IamtheDevilsAvocado Mon 02-May-16 05:01:19

I'm really sorry for your loss OP!

It really does get easier - I lost my mum, very suddenly over 5 years ago... You are still so recently bereaved... Please don't fall for any one who says that grief comes in stages... It's messy, people bounce back and forth between different stages... There is no quick route through sadly.

The old adage that grief is the price we pay for loving someone is sooo true!

Do remember to be self- compassionate...!

JSlondon Sat 07-May-16 00:43:58

Sorry for not replying sooner - seemed to fall into a downward spiral I couldn't get out of. I felt so overwhelmed by everything even silly things like what to make dd for lunch. I'm finding it hard to get back to sleep when ds wakes me for night feeds and go from yearning for her, to paralysing horror that she's not coming back, to anger at lack of support from certain family to feeling so very isolated and lonely. It's been 4 pregnancies in three years (miscarried twice), so with all the hormones, starting to wonder if I have any clue who I am anymore. It sometimes feels like I've been thrown into the middle of the ocean and I don't know how much longer I can keep trying to swim for. I then had a few good days and now feel another downward spiral coming on. Is this normal or am I losing it?

Fishface77 Sat 07-May-16 00:59:44

Hi op this is normal.
Have you any other family members or friends that could help you? Just for the short term?
Hugs and flowers. I wish I knew you in real life id come and help xxx

JSlondon Mon 09-May-16 22:21:09

Thanks. That's lovely. Trying to create good new memories to look back on. I just feel so shattered all the time that I don't even know what support I need. Think my mum was just irreplaceable.

Tootsiepops Tue 10-May-16 07:12:23

Hi JS - I lost my mum very suddenly last month. I have a six month old daughter. My mum was all I had left (dad and brother also both died unexpectedly in the last few years). Everything you've said sounds very familiar. I am struggling to cope too. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in this flowers

JSlondon Tue 10-May-16 14:05:59

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had some wise words for you, but I don't. Sending you much love X

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