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My Dad died a week ago. How do folks feel after the funeral?

(12 Posts)
MmmCuriouSir Tue 22-Mar-16 17:27:18

Hi all

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. I seem to be coping although I get the odd very hard wobble and I'm worried that I may be in shock still.

Dad was in hospital for a month, came home for a day and then had to be rushed back in. We were all there for when he died, (my Mum and all my siblings), so for that I'm hugely grateful. He had a good and quite long life (he was 84) but in the last year or so was declining in health and mobility (heart/kidney and leg issues). He wasn't terribly ill until he had the heart failure/attack that killed him. He never wanted to be a burden (not that he would have been)and was getting upset that he couldn't do things anymore, like his beloved gardening. I think he may have 'checked out' especially knowing that we were all there- and that rarely happens as a few of us kids work abroad a fair bit. I actually felt pleased for him when it happened, as it was almost like a movie scripted ending, (if you see what I mean) and I know that he didn't want to continue living and be immobile and on oxygen, etc. He was so active as a younger man and his ageing definitely affected him adversely in recent years.

I seem to be trying to remember every little thing I possibly can of things we did when he was alive- is this a normal reaction? His funeral is in 10 days or so- I guess I may feel differently that. What do people feel like after the funeral - does it get harder?

Thanks for listening all.

originalmavis Tue 22-Mar-16 17:34:32

Sorry about your dad. Before the funeral there is just things to do, people to speak to and a fair amount of hanging about, waiting. People either ignore you completely or are very compassionate.

After the funeral everyone seems to just get on with their lives and you feel a bit lost, missing something and restless.

MmmCuriouSir Tue 22-Mar-16 17:48:06

Thanks for that Mavis- much appreciated.

timelytess Tue 22-Mar-16 17:55:15

Numb. The funeral does bring some closure, from the events surrounding death but not from the relationship. I didn't have a single happy memory of my mother, I just went through the motions, sorting out things for the funeral, sorting dad's photographs so he could access them more easily, finding excuses to be around so that he wouldn't be alone. She's been gone just two years and I still find myself thinking, usually as I switch off the computer for the night, 'I'll go and see my mother tomorrow. I haven't spoken to her for ages!" then remembering... A couple of months ago, I was walking through the city centre, thinking of her, and in my mind I called out 'Stop this 'being dead' now! It's gone on long enough!'

I think what I'm saying is, everyone's path is different. Life will be 'back to normal' after the funeral but it will be 'normal' in a different way, and you'll come and go in your sense of loss, sometimes better, sometimes worse. You'll be ok, its part of life. But allow yourself to be sad when you need to.

MmmCuriouSir Tue 22-Mar-16 17:58:27

Thank you Timelytess for sharing your experience.

Canyouforgiveher Tue 22-Mar-16 18:01:16

sorry for your loss. My parents died at a similar age. And while I do wish my dad in particular had longer to live, I did also feel glad they had long and happy lives and got to enjoy a long retirement together and see their grandchildren etc. That helped me a lot deal with their deaths.

Afterwards, I would sometimes be overcome with sadness and cry. Even years later I can sometimes just cry for a minute or two in the car thinking how much I miss them or maybe something will happen with one of my children and I know how much pleasure it would give my parents and wish they could be here to see it.

One thing I did do about 6 months after my dad died was put together a book of his life for the grandchildren. I just looked up newspapers of when he was born, and described what life was like then, and then told his story (it helped that he had done some research into his family tree so I was able to use that), including work, marriage, etc. I put in his favourite poems, favourite jokes, a few poems he had written himself and his funeral service (readings/hymns-he had picked them himself and left instructions). I added in some photos and printed it and gave it to the grandchildren. That was very therapeutic to do.

Roseberrry Tue 22-Mar-16 18:01:18

I felt a massive relief after the funeral but we had been waiting nearly a month for it so I'm not sure if that was part of it.

The best advice I can give is to let yourself feel how you feel. Don't try and tell yourself you should be feeling differently as you'll reach each stage in your own time.

OllyBJolly Tue 22-Mar-16 18:19:07

So sorry for your loss.

I found the week between my dad's death and the funeral to be busy - it was expected and in many ways a blessing as he was in so much pain towards the end. I remember being upset but had a lot on my mind. The funeral was a bit stressful. That afternoon I felt very calm and went to his local garden centre and bought a rose to plant in my garden. I was grieving but I felt it was manageable.

Went back to work on the Monday and just couldn't cope with the sympathy and concern. I'm not an emotional person but would just burst into tears randomly. I was a director of the company so not quite acceptable behaviour! Looking back, I should have taken that time off but I genuinely felt I was okay.

I found that it took a while to get used to the free time I had; I'd got into a routine of three times per week making the 300mile round trip to sit with him in hospital. I'd find myself thinking "wonder if he's watching this TV programme", "must tell him that on Saturday" and then realise he's not there and I'd be overwhelmed with painful sadness. I remember thinking I'd never get over it, but I did.

10 years on, I still miss him now. Timely sums it up. It's a different kind of normal.

cocochanel21 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:09:14

I felt numb after my Dd1 funeral it didn't help that I was 7mths pregnant with Dd2 at the time. Because it was a police investigation and their was a post-mortem we had to wait 3 week's to have her funeral.

I think its afterwards that you really grieve, when all the visitors stop calling and I suppose you need to find your way forward. It's ok to be sad and upset for a long time after, I put on a brave face and didn't want to talk about it. I now realise that was a mistake I'm now getting counselling 6mths after she died.

I'm sure you have many happy memories of your dad that will bring you comfort at this sad time.
Sorry for your lossflowers

MmmCuriouSir Wed 23-Mar-16 12:16:11

Thank you.x

MmmCuriouSir Wed 06-Apr-16 17:47:02

Hi all. The funeral was on Monday. It was exhausting and I'm still whacked out- and I feel worse than before if anything. I guess that's to be expected.x

pinocchiosnose Wed 06-Apr-16 17:51:14

Be kind to yourself op thanks I'm sorry for your loss.

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