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my dad is dying

(11 Posts)
Haudyerwheesht Sun 06-Mar-16 23:05:47

The above. It's crap.

What are the practicalities for afterwards I need to think about? I want to take as much pressure off mum as I can.

I can think of:

Death certificate - does hospital arrange? He's in hospital now.

Will - he's made one - do I just phone solicitor?

Funeral - what do I all need to think about? His will states what religion funeral and cremation and place of headstone I think.

I sound clueless but it's because I am! Would really appreciate any advice. The last few days have been horrific and are continuing to be so. Feels so so so wrong and cruel to be even typing this message whilst he is still alive like I've abandoned him to death. I haven't I would do anything if it could help. Anything.

LineyReborn Sun 06-Mar-16 23:10:33

My dad died a few weeks ago, in hospice. I can tell you that from here on in, it will often be a roller coaster of emotion, but the staff will help you and guide you with the practicalities.

Your father has helped you massively by making a will. Who will be his executor(s)?


queenofthepirates Sun 06-Mar-16 23:18:44

I am so sorry to hear that, I've been in your shoes not so long ago and it sucks so massively.

You'll be guided through the choices you need to make so don't worry. By all means use that to focus on if it helps though. Call a minister and discuss the funeral with them if it helps. Spend the last time you have enjoying happy memories if you have them. Cry when you feel like it, wherever it is and just go with the flow. It will be over soon and you can grieve in whatever way that takes you. I am so sorry you're going through this. You do eventually stop crying I promise.

kansasmum Sun 06-Mar-16 23:19:55

If he dies in the hospital they will provide death certificate. You will need to register death at local registrars office who will contact things like works and pension dept to stop his state pension if he is eligible.
Your local funeral Director will guide you through the funeral process and are really helpful and no question is too silly so ask anything you're not sure about.
Yes you will need to phone solicitor and they will start things like probate unless you are doing it yourself.
If he wants a church type funeral the Vicar will come and see you and your mum and talk through the service so things to consider are hymns reading etc.

It's very hard to think about all these things when you've lost your Dad, I found list making helpful and if people offer to help take them up on it but give them specific tasks to do so it's less stressful for you.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Take care thanks

Haudyerwheesht Sun 06-Mar-16 23:22:15

Thanks both. I think a proper cry would do me good but I can't. Self preservation maybe?

I don't actually know who the executors are but my mum should.

I'm sorry you've both been through this. It's all the uncertainty. He's definitely in the end of life stage but is that tonight or this week or next??? It feels cruel that I've sat all weekend with him but now life has to go on for me and I'm not there because the kids are only little and need me.

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Mar-16 23:23:00

I've heard that the Co-op funeral directors are amazing and take an awful lot off your shoulders, but tell you what you do need to be doing.

I'm so sorry for you. I hope he has a peaceful and pain free death and that you and your mum can remember the good times you shared with him.


LineyReborn Sun 06-Mar-16 23:26:11

OP it is so hard at the end because you don't know it's actually the end, I know what you mean. Of course you have to be with your DCs. I had to come home to be with my DS.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes Sun 06-Mar-16 23:50:01

Hello OP. Lots of thoughts and hugs to you. thanks
Is your dad comfortable and reasonably settled?
Are you staying with him in the hospital? If so, make sure you're looking after yourself too brewbiscuit give yourself plenty of love and time, say everything you want to say.

It's death certificate, (they may ask your dad is for cremation or to be buried) and then registering the death (hospital will/should give you the number of your nearest office for you ) you can use the tell us once service, they then inform everyone of your dads passing (council, HMRC etc) so stops the endless form filling. You need to register the death within a certain length of time.
Then funeral directors- your dad may or may not have picked one.

queenofthepirates Sun 06-Mar-16 23:52:30

Is he under hospice or hospital care? If so, perhaps speak to the nurses and see how long they think he has left. They can be very accurate with their experience. They may chat to you about 'end of life care' which means easing him painlessly and gently into passing away.

By all means take time with the kids but I'm sure you won't regret the time with your Dad just now. Is anyone can take the kids off your hands right now to allow you some space, that's no bad idea. If you enjoy the distraction though, do it. The time after he passes is when you really need all hands on deck with the kids as they may be affected too and need extra TLC. That said, you need it the most, he's your Dad and don't under estimate how huge this is for you.

Haudyerwheesht Mon 07-Mar-16 07:01:04

He's in hospital. The staff have said soon but not obviously exactly when.

The issue is I live 3 hours away so I've come home because I will need help from dh when it happens if that makes sense so he needs to work until then?

It's so much harder than I thought it would be. He is not very settled or peaceful unfortunately. Morpheine has helped a little with that.

Thanks all

queenofthepirates Mon 07-Mar-16 09:39:46

I'm so sorry you're going through this-it's so tough. I can remember thinking 'just get on with it, this is torture!' Of course now I'd do anything for another hour with my Dad but seeing him so fragile was unbearable. Also he was at home and uncatheratized so every time he got agitated, he whipped off his bedclothes and revealed his winkie to everyone in the room. The nurses were able to give him something to calm him down and I wonder if you can discuss that with your Dad's nurses? No daughter should have to see her Dad's winkie in his final hours.

Your DH will just have to cope with work and kids for a bit-be selfish and just say yes to all the help offered-nay demand it. You need propping up for a bit.

Hugs xxx

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