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How do you cope with death of XDP

(13 Posts)
awkwardballoon Mon 22-Feb-16 06:29:34

Just found out my XDP died a week ago. We were together 18 months. He was diagnosed with cancer just after we met, I gave my all into finding a way to make him better, throwing every complimentary therapy at it, he moved in with me and DCs soon after diagnosis. I was there through it all, from receiving the initial news from Dr to every chemo, RT and checkup appt. It was an incredibly demanding time and i was running myself ragged but did so for love and wanted him in my life forever. The brain tumour affected his personality however and I did not recognise him towards the end of the relationship. He became quite difficult almost EA and controlling, I put it down to the medication he was taking and tried to develop a thick skin. After a relapse he was taken into hospital and personality changed further very cold and dismissive of me, then his family suddenly became awful towards me and insisted on taking over his care after discharge, to which he agreed. The coldness, betrayal and lack of consideration I felt made me turn away at that point. My priority was my children. I was devastated , he was my world but this man in the hospital bed was not a man I knew or loved anymore and furthermore I was being victimised by his family whilst he allowed them to do so. It was an awful, painful time.
Months have passed with virtually no contact, occasionally a text exchange, mainly him telling me how his recovery was going and how he will beat this. Not asking after the DCs or me.
So today I snooped on FB and found out he died 2 weeks ago, no one told me and more than likely the funeral has already happened. I just feel so numb and weird and I'm not sure how to deal with this. I know I grieved for him back then when we split, but knowing he has passed is shocking and devastatingly sad. The real him was a wonderful man and we were incredibly close and in love while we were together.

HandyWoman Mon 22-Feb-16 09:28:19

Oh OP I'm so so sorry flowers this is an awful situation and I'm so glad you are getting help and seeing your therapist tomorrow.

You were clearly very close and in love and a terrible situation has intervened and you've had to cope with a sort of multilayered painful bereavement.

I think you should allow yourself to grieve this very painful loss and lean on friends as
much as you can. Cry and be a mess, take time out, do what you need to do, have tou taken the day off work?

I'm so sorry. Don't go back to work til you've seen your therapist. You need some space at the moment.

I'm so sorry.

awkwardballoon Mon 22-Feb-16 09:40:39

Thank you handy, its such a messed up situation.
I can't bring myself to cry, will probably do that at some stage though.
I've got day off work. The house is still full of memories and even photos of him. I don't intend to tell the DC's unless they ask after him.
Thanks again for your lovely words

BornToFolk Mon 22-Feb-16 09:50:20

I have no idea how you even begin dealing with something so tough.

I am so sorry for your loss and for everything that you went through before then. You sound like an incredibly compassionate and strong person.
It's no surprise you are feeling so numb at the moment, it must have been a huge shock. Let yourself grieve, be kind to yourself. flowers

RedMapleLeaf Mon 22-Feb-16 09:52:31

This sounds incredibly painful and confusing. There was a really interesting and honest interview about the death of a former partner on Women's Hour that you may find supportive

Roseberrry Mon 22-Feb-16 09:56:39

So sorry Awkwardballoon, what a tough situation. Fwiw I think it's very harsh that no one told you about it, especially after how much of yourself you have to him. When my mum died we kept my dad in the loop with everything even though they hadn't been together 20+ years, he even came to see her body with us.

you need to find a way to grieve in your own way, don't let anyone make you feel as if you shouldn't be upset about it.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-Feb-16 09:58:37

It must be so painful for you, but if you don't tell your children until they ask, you risk them being hurt by that, too.

Could you do something tonight, like lighting candles for him in a church if you're religious in any way?

WavingNotDrowning Mon 22-Feb-16 10:12:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

awkwardballoon Mon 22-Feb-16 10:14:10

Thank you born thats really kind of you, red listening to the link right now, thank you, rose not being told makes me feel very insignificant, but I know I was important part of his life and he loved me very much while we were together, I know that, and I know he knew how much I loved him and how important he was in my life too, I hope he didn't lose sight of that at the end. imperial yes I think that is wise too, it will just drag everything up again, the DC's also did their grieving when we split and no longer ask after him. I lit a candle in my room (his favourite one) last night, it kept me company while I couldn't sleep a wink. smile, but yes I will go to our church and light a candle, religion was a great comfort to him while he was poorly. thank you all

awkwardballoon Mon 22-Feb-16 10:15:48

Thank you waving I'm my own boss so I will give myself plenty of time off, I think smile

314Romaniac Mon 22-Feb-16 10:59:45

That is really tough awkwardballoon
I know you did it for love and not for appreciation, but to be denied the courtesy of being informed of his death is awful. It doesn't erase you from his life though. It just means the people who took control have an erroneous idea of how things were between you to begin with.

Horrible for you to have to deal with that on top of grieving. I'm sorry as well that he was so hard to live with before his family took over his care.

I think it's a really good idea to go to the church and have your own ceremonial process. Can you visualise the man you met being on board with that idea? If he's looking down on you now, he'll be the man you met, not one full of medication, chemotherapy and ailing under the progression of a cancerous brain tumour.



awkwardballoon Mon 22-Feb-16 12:41:36

thank you 314 I too am incredibly disappointed at not even being told. I know he was very stubborn and has maybe requested that, I think he was angry towards me after we split although he said he wasn't. He never understood the situation of how I was pushed out and wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain (I don't think he could comprehend really and just thought I was giving up on him, maybe it was easier for him to believe that rather than to go against his family's wishes, who knows). Thank you I will definitely do that, I will go to the special place we used to visit and lay some flowers this week. The real him would appreciate that.

314Romaniac Mon 22-Feb-16 13:51:11

The real him. Yes. brew

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