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The feeling of guilt is indescribable

(10 Posts)
ohFuckItHurts Fri 19-Feb-16 05:12:56

My Friend committed suicide in February last year

We were extremely close at one point. We'd sometimes go weeks without contact but would always pick up where we left off, etc. We both have/had MH issues which would cause us to shut people out, so this was not unusual.

I found out what she'd done over facebook. I was devestated. She was the only one who understood a particular issue I have. She helped me so much.

A few weeks before this I changed my email address. I informed people etc. Last night I had to access my old email address- I haven't used it for over a year. I decided to have a look at our conversations for old times sake. I'm missing her like crazy at the moment.

And there was an unread one. Oh fuck I can't believe I'm typing this. It was typed the night she died. The "goodbye" one.

This is cutting me up. I've spent all night crying- I don't know whether she was reaching out, whether I was supposed to stop her- I don't know anything!

Shit shit shit!!!!!!


ohFuckItHurts Fri 19-Feb-16 05:14:33

NC for this, but I'm a regular. I don't know why I feel the need to justify myself- but i just wanted to tell you I'm not a troll. Just someone who really needs advice.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 19-Feb-16 05:37:10

You poor love, what a thing to find.
But - please stop feeling guilty. If she'd really been sending a cry for help, she'd have phoned/texted you instead - she sent you a goodbye note, not a "please stop me" note. Emails are notoriously unreliable ways of communicating, so I doubt very much that she expected you to read it and try to stop her.

So so sorry that you've lost a good friend - it hurts anyway, that sort of loss, and always will to some extent - but please don't beat yourself up over it.

ohFuckItHurts Fri 19-Feb-16 07:13:45

Thank you for your answer. It means a lot.

Fraggled Fri 19-Feb-16 07:20:16

I'm so so sorry. My sister killed herself in October 2013, I'll never truly forgive myself for not being there for her, so I understand how you feel.


ohFuckItHurts Fri 19-Feb-16 07:36:31

Thank you. Fraggled I don't think either of us could have done more than we did.

Fraggled Fri 19-Feb-16 07:43:46

No. I personally feel that if I'd have somehow stopped my sister killing herself that time, she just would have done it at a later date.

Anniversaries are hard, and the first one was the worst. Sending unmumsnetty hugs x

Longtalljosie Fri 19-Feb-16 07:44:15

You poor love. But I totally agree with Thumbwitch - an email is sent to be read later. Had she wanted you to read it before she died or intervene, she would have texted or called.

It does mean she didn't want you to find out on Facebook or second hand though, and I hope that's a comfort.

This was her decision. And no matter how clouded it was by mental illness there's nothing you could have done and you did not let her down. In fact, you made the time she had on earth better with your friendship and support. Miss her and grieve her by all means, but try to let go of the guilt. You don't deserve it.

ohFuckItHurts Fri 19-Feb-16 07:51:38

Thank you. Fraggled I don't think either of us could have done more than we did.

ohFuckItHurts Fri 19-Feb-16 07:53:03

Shit. I'm not sure why that posted twice. Sorry.

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