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What do I do? I need someone to hold my hand

(18 Posts)
withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 21:18:48

I posted this in relationships and wish I hadn't.

I posted a few weeks back in relationships as I thought DH might be seeing someone else. I now don't think this is the case.

I posted on here a week or so ago and you gave me lots of advice. Things have developed a bit. since then. And here's a bit of background.

DH suffered a bereavement a few months ago. It was a close family member. Around the same time, DH's behaviour (understandably) changed. He seemed quite distant and was finding excuses not to be at home. These things and a few other things, made me feel that something was wrong and I floundered and concluded that he was interested in someone from work. Like I said, I don't think this is the case. I may be wrong, but I think I trust him on this.

Anyway, the last few months have been awful. More of the same and I've also been suffering panic attacks because of the stress I'm feeling in our relationship. DH is obviously struggling with grief and I feel unable to help. I felt that something had changed in our relationship but I couldn't put my finger on it. I've tried not to badger him as I recognise that's the last thing he needs.

Anyway, last night he told me that about a couple of months ago, something changed and, though he loves me and always will, he's no longer in love with me and thinks it better if he moves out. He said that he can't see a future with me and can't see how he can get back to how he did feel about me. This also corresponds with the bereavement. Almost the same time frame, but he doesn't feel that the two are connected. He feels that they are two separate incidents.

He has agreed to get some bereavement counselling and, after that, will go to relate with me.

What on earth do I do?

minmooch Sat 13-Feb-16 21:21:22

Not sure that this belongs in bereavement. Relationships would be better.

Avpixie27 Sat 13-Feb-16 21:28:30

That sounds totally awful, how are you coping with this? Have you got anyone close that you can talk to?

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 21:30:22

OK. Sorry minmooch I have asked MNHQ to delete it.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 21:31:59

Thanks Avpixie27. I'm not coping well, if I'm honest. He really is in a bad way. I think he's depressed - his mood is very low and I think he should see the GP.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 21:33:07

I suppose I really wanted to know if other people had experienced something similar after a bereavement? Is this common?

Avpixie27 Sat 13-Feb-16 22:04:22

When i first met my dh he had recently broken up with his (horrible ex) and he later told me she had had a miscarriage which he was struggling with (he found out she was pregnant after a break up before that) his whole family knew it wasnt his but he believed her (it wasnt) and he took it hard. When i met him he let me know all this and ended up going counselling, he broke up with me due to going on anti depressants and struggling as men struggle to talk about death. He later saw i was a help not a hindrance and after another 3 months apart we started hanging out as friends and soon we were living together with a baby. He may struggling with knowing he has lost someone so would rather not have anyone close to lose if that makes sense

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sun 14-Feb-16 11:57:54

It may be that. I don't know. He doesn't seem to know but he is talking to me and talking about how he's feeling. I can't bear the thought of him moving out.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sun 14-Feb-16 12:00:31

minmooch MNHQ are happy with this thread being in bereavement.

Avpixie27 Sun 14-Feb-16 12:12:14

What has he said altogether? Is it that he wants to be alone?

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sun 14-Feb-16 14:01:42

He thinks he would be a better dad if he lived alone. He longs for the space and some peace (don't we all) and to feel a bit more in control of his life. The irony is, if he were to move out, I would be a worse mother and feel totally out of control.

He said he's going to really try to sort out his head and resolve things.

Avpixie27 Sun 14-Feb-16 15:27:58

Maybe he needs to feel in control and by living alone he has that as when you lose someone its like you have lost control of helping people. Maybe he should consider a few nights in a hotel and having the child (or children) and see how he copes, see if you two can go out to dinner or something alone aswell so you can talk about things not just this situation

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 16-Feb-16 10:14:56

I'm not sure if that's what it is. Some days I feel hopeful and positive we can work things out, and some days less so, especially when he seems less positive that we will be able to work through this.

Avpixie27 Tue 16-Feb-16 18:32:22

Has he said hes moving out yet? Or is he seeing if its a thing? Maybe counselling for him will help him clear his head

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 16-Feb-16 18:46:26

Well he had counselling today and seems more convinced now that moving out is the right thing to do (for him).

Avpixie27 Tue 16-Feb-16 21:07:51

Maybe it is, maybe being alone is what he needs. But its sadly nothing you can change. Hopefully he finds things better and comes back but maybe being in a family unit doesnt work for him

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 16-Feb-16 21:50:06

He says if he goes, it will be permanent. I just wish I knew what had happened, where it went wrong.

Avpixie27 Tue 16-Feb-16 21:52:04

I dont think i can help with that. If he doesnt know himself then he wont be able to tell you

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