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my daddy

(6 Posts)
lounear35 Thu 11-Feb-16 20:23:27

He's dying and hasn't long congestive heart failure end of life kidney failure copd you name it. He's at home with mum but can do very little. I'm scared I know I'm being so selfish is there anything anyone can recommend or advise I can do to ease this for me and him. I have two girls to think if who worship him and I'm trying to hold it together for them never mind work a 50 hr week plus my own family. If you could have time again with a loved one what would u do or say I've never experienced death my grandparents all passed away when I was very little

OzzieFem Thu 11-Feb-16 20:49:44

As an ex nurse I have found (myself included), that people who have lost loved ones, start to think about the past and feel guilty and regret about any little disagreements, words spoken in anger or thoughtless things they may have done to the deceased. Sometimes it's very minor things that prey on their minds.

Why not sit down at a quiet time (if you can), and write out any things you may have done and regret now, This is also the time to ask your dad about anything that needs clarification, especially in regard to his relationship to you.

We often forget to tell our loved ones just that; that we do love them. Often it's just assumed that they know. Your mother will also need your support and love at this time. flowers

daisydalrymple Thu 11-Feb-16 21:24:15

I'm so sorry for this sad time for you all. My dear dad has advanced alzheimers, so a slightly different scenario, but I so wish I could go back and tell him more just how much I love him, have always loved him, and what a wonderful father he has always been. I think these are things he will have known, but I'd love to know he knew them.

I would love to talk about all of the special times we shared together, wonderful memories, important things he taught me that had an impact on the person I became, and the things I am in turn passing on to my children.

And I guess, to tell him we are all going to be ok. But just how much he will be missed!

To a degree, take his lead, as there may be much he wants to say too, or he may just appreciate your company and comfort. Has he been able to discuss his wishes for his funeral? Forgive me, they may be stark words to read on screen, but sometimes it's an area couples find difficult to discuss with each other.

Reassurance for him that you will be there for your mum too.

Is there any way of reducing your work hours temporarily? Just to ease the pressure on yourself and be able to spend some precious time with your dad?

Helenluvsrob Thu 11-Feb-16 21:32:36

Can you take some time off and spend it with him/your mum - if not whole weeks then maybe a day a week using Annual leave ? When mum was dying I just sat with her. Be aware , and I've been around death a lot at work, and didn't expect this - mum lost her voice and even when she was conscious couldn't speak - this was a couple of weeks before she died. That was horrible- I just had to guess what she wanted and " lost " both my parents then really - dad has dementia and is still physically here but it's a couple years since he's really communicated. He has a delightful manner still with social awareness " it's a pleasure to meet you " , " do come again" and any question about what he wants ( food drink etc) is " if you like " or " whatever you are having". Delightful but empty communication sad

( mum died of heart and renal failure almost exactly a year ago, I posted it all on here under a previous user name ).

lounear35 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:16:55

Thanks folks unfortunately I can't take much time off work self employed no work no pay! But try to spend as much time in evenings as possible with him but still trying to keep routine and life as normal as possible for my kids. Funeral arrangements have been discussed and known about. I just hate it when I see him cry cause he's scared fed up going to miss his granddaughters grow up. I tell him i love him daily and have written a letter telling him how much he means to me and gave it when things started to go badly downhill. He's a proud man typical British man old school hates being dependant on ppl served his country was high ranking and feels useless now. I spent Christmas taking loads of photos and trying hard to make it memorable as it's our last but it was so hard being happy when my heart was breaking. Some days he's so good I think he's gonna pull thru and all fine next we are being called cause he's turned again. I'm just scared for us all.

daisydalrymple Fri 12-Feb-16 11:16:57

Is he still able to write? Just wondering if you could help him write a letter or card for your girls for the future?

And try and talk with him about all the memories you will keep telling your girls, and are there any he would like you to keep sharing with them?

People often make memory boxes with children when a loved one has passed away, is this something that you could perhaps help your girls to do now, that could be shared with your dad and he may have something he could give them if his own to put in?

I appreciate this is more focused on your girls, and you're still having to juggle everything, whilst hold it all together. Do you have a partner for support? Any siblings?

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