Hoe can someone who is so very much there just go? Missing my mum.

(18 Posts)
JenniferYellowHat1980 Thu 11-Feb-16 19:50:54

DM died on Friday. Although she never accepted it and talked as if there was always another chance, I'd known for a long time she would die (and so did she, if not quite so soon) and four weeks beforehand she was told she was DNR.

She was a small woman, but a real force to be reckoned with. She was talented, creative, generous, practical, had so much sense ... and now she just isn't.

Ok she's here in my memory and in all the things she made, but that's never going to be enough for me. Life just seems to be carrying on. One of my DBs is back at work (I handed my notice in to care for her and now I don't feel I have it in me to go back and work it). We are planning to sell her home - no choice, it's going to be a financial drain. I have cleaned her bathroom and kitchen. It's just so grim that life goes on. I feel sick and angry.

Just venting. I'm waiting for counselling but it will be a while.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Thu 11-Feb-16 19:51:44

I'm not angry at my DB btw.

dilys4trevor Thu 11-Feb-16 20:19:52

I'm so sorry to hear about this. My husband died a month ago on Saturday and every day I am staggered by how life goes on and is EXACTLY the same as before and yet everything has changed. I keep finding his stuff and if I stand in any room in our house everything feels just like it did before. Except now he is dead. Every day I am knocked out by this.

forkhandles4candles Thu 11-Feb-16 21:00:35

It is so unfathomable. They are so absent where once they were so present. I find it unbearable.

FilbertSnood Thu 11-Feb-16 21:34:54

I can empathise with you so much.
I am far ahead of you, my mum died 3 months ago. I left my job (just couldn't do it) and I struggled with normal life for months. I feel like I can do "life" now. I still cry every day, but I do feel better able to cope now. I know we are all different, but you may find that in 3 or 6 or 12 months time, that you can do "life" again. Xxx

Chocolate1985 Thu 11-Feb-16 21:41:15

My nana died on Sunday and I had to go back to work on Tuesday and it just feels so hard to have to pretend to be interested in work stuff and just normal day to day things when all you want to do is think of the person you have lost . It's just such a horrible feeling she suffered a lot before she died and I just feel like no one outside of our small family cares . We had to tidy out her room on Monday as my grandpa can't bear to see any of her things and just sobbed the whole time ( we know it was too soon to do it but that's what he wanted ) . Every nigh this week I've spoke to her in my bed it's just a rotten feeling

JenniferYellowHat1980 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:04:12

Knocked out. Yes, that's it. Every few hours it will hit me afresh and I feel winded. Isn't it strange? It shows how insignificant we all are in the universe. And yet she was so very important. Definitely not a person it comes naturally to talk about in the past tense.

Filbert, I wish the significance of the loss of a mother / parent was recognised on the same level as that of a spouse. I loved my mum just as much as my DH (and I think he'd forgive me for saying more - he adored her too). A colleague was allowed a year's compassionate leave when her DH became terminally ill, but my entitlement was just five days. I could maybe have contemplated going back if I'd had adequate time to care for her for longer beforehand and then grieve. As it is, she died on Friday and I had a phone call on Tuesday to ask when I was going back.

Mner Thu 11-Feb-16 22:13:53

My dad died 4 yrs ago, and I remember how raw it was at that stage, the absolute complete shock that he had gone and the disbelief that everyone could continue on their lives. It does ease but the sadness is like a box that I only peek in and out of when I can let myself. I bottle it up the rest of the time.

And when I think about it, I am still amazed by the hole he has left. He was such a big character. He filled every space with his physical presence, his loud voice and his opinions. He used to arrive at the house and the cats would scarper. How can he not be there anymore?

Mner Thu 11-Feb-16 22:19:00

Have you read this? I find the wave analogy quite comforting.

StopShoutingAtYourBrother Thu 11-Feb-16 22:23:33

So sorry for all your losses💐

I lost my mum a few year's ago now but I still miss her and I remember how hard in the first few days after her death.

Thinking of you

dilys4trevor Fri 12-Feb-16 07:16:48

Jennifer, I imagine the difference is that employers assume when a DH dies or is terminally ill, their spouse has to take on role of primary carer (of both sick spouse and children), do all the sorting out of stuff there is to do and there are usually massive financial implications when it's a spouse. When there are kids involved their well being and grief also has to be managed by the spouse. So I think it's that, rather than the death of a spouse being seen as some kind of 'bigger' bereavement, although parents dying is also much more 'expected' once people hit age 40 and above and I guess they can't have loads of the workforce off for months. I will probably take off about 3 months in total but haven't decided.

But I dread the passing of my parents now my husband has died. I have three under 7 and they adore them. They have been brilliant the past month and I have realised how much I love them.

I'm so sorry about your mum. My husband had not behaved well to me or his children but even so I am grieving and feel in a tunnel. But a loving parent always puts their children first so I imagine it's horrendous to lose that, knowing the person who is gone loved you with all their heart.

dilys4trevor Fri 12-Feb-16 07:42:33

.....so the loss of my mum or dad would be a far greater emotional one (in some ways) than the loss of my husband (although there are lots of other emotions there because of his behaviour before his death - anger, humiliation, abandonment).

Can you explain things to your employer, about how you are feeling? I do agree that the emotional impact of the loss of a parent seems to be overlooked in the modern world

Babyroobs Fri 12-Feb-16 10:40:12

A few of my colleaugues have lost parents in the past few years and have had up to 6 months off sick to cope with their loss. One colleague lost her lifelong best friend and had 3 months off sick. I never heard anyone at work ( managers or staff) complain. maybe I am lucky to work in a supportive place. I think it does need to be aknowledged that losing a parent can be as significant as losing a spouse.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Fri 12-Feb-16 20:11:06

I really think so. I know I can't go on doing a job I hate with her gone and handed my notice in. Wish I'd done it sooner so I could have cared for her guilt free and grieved quietly in my own time.

A week has passed since she died. I can't believe how normal it is. I find death as profound and transforming as birth. I know that sounds twatty but I really feel like a different person.

MummyBex1985 Sat 13-Feb-16 11:58:12

My lovely mum died very suddenly on 9 December so I'm three months into the grieving process. I'm only 30 and my mum had only recently turned 60, so a massive shock. You haven't spent any time at all coming to terms with things yet, it's a long process and its normal to feel like you do at this stage.

I'm past the point of crying every day but I still feel angry, guilty and bereft. Counselling is helping hugely (I went private as NHS waiting time was around 9 months!!). But ultimately you will deal with it in your own way. Just do what your body and mind tells you - if that's spend a day doing nothing and crying then do it. It all helps in the long run.

Re work - I've tried to go back three times and couldn't do it at all. I have severe anxiety and depression which came back to hit me in a big way so I've been signed off work for the last two months (I've never been signed off before). Everyone deals with things differently. The best advice is to be kind to yourself, accept and ask for help if it's needed, and take the time you need to do whatever you feel like doing. Don't put pressure on yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss. flowers

MummyBex1985 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:00:38

And PS - I have no enthusiasm left for work either. Seriously considering quitting my job, but it would screw my career up in a big way.

BonTemps Sat 13-Feb-16 17:05:57

I lost my lovely mum on Christmas day, I'm still struggling cannot motivate myself at all, have returned to work but then had to have more time off as I had the awful virus that been going round, I just miss her so much.

VulcanWoman Sat 13-Feb-16 17:21:19

Sorry for your loss.
Our loved ones might not be here in body any more but the love you have for them and them for you never leaves.

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