Talk

Flip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Support thread: Husband suicide

22 replies

dilys4trevor · 31/01/2016 09:00

I wanted to start a support thread on suicide, for anyone touched by it really, but particularly those who have lost a husband or partner and are now wondering how to bring up children.

My story: my husband committed suicide on the 13th January this year, throwing himself in front of a tube, leaving three children under 7. We had recently informally separated after a very bad year where he had treated me with cold disregard but had refused to leave. An affair at the place we both worked (where I am the MD) had recently emerged and it was clear to me that he was still lying about the nature of that. He had been begging to be taken back, dismissing the affair as just enjoying attention from someone who thought he was great. But to me, it wasn't just about that, it was about a year of poor behaviour towards me and neglect of his children. He seemed to me to have become an extremely self serving and self regarding person with a real unpleasant streak. I had been wavering but knew really he should be out of our lives. I had felt strongly he shouldn't have the children over night until he had sorted out his drinking (serious) and his erratic behaviour.

On the morning he did it (because the evidence he was lying about the affair, hitherto dismissed as a couple of snogs, was mounting) he admitted that he had been having sex with her for about a year. He begged for forgiveness and said he was going to sort out his problems around needing attention, but it all felt a bit empty to me and I wasn't convinced on the depth of his commitment. There was something not right about him and that had been the case for a year. He had seemed to lose all ability to empathise or use logic. I can't really explain it. I asked him to resign to show some decency and he took umbrage, becoming a bit aggressive and unrepentant, panicking about his career and being very irrational, saying he would be working in McDonalds and the gossip about this girl would follow him everywhere (I think he was actually most embarrassed because of who she was, rather than what it said about him: she was young, in a bit of a rubbish job and not particularity attractive...and he was obsessed about his reputation and image generally). It was clear to me he wasn't to be trusted and that his focus was not on me but on his career (which would have been fine anyway) and couldn't be consistent so I said we had nothing more to say. Then he did it shortly after.

I got great advice from our marvellous school in telling the children (I told them the truth, although not about the affair) and they have been fab. I am having counselling every week and the children will start too in a few weeks, both at school and through BUPA. Financially, there are some hoops to jump through but we will be considerably better off as a result of his death (than even if he were still alive and we had stayed together).

I have the funeral to get through on Friday. I also have problems with his family as I have discovered from his email account that they had been very negative towards me during the period of estrangement just before his death. Their 'support' since his death had been stifling and not helpful and so I asked them all to back off. Finding out they were so ready to believe the worst of me, when it was my husband who had been so clearly badly behaved, really just gives me more of a concrete reason not to spend too much time with them (his dad's involvement with the children had always felt very superficial).

So that is it really. My career feels like it is in tatters (this girl has been at our work, where I was the MD and it turns out alot of people had suspected at the back end of last year. They were certainly know all now). And I am worried sick about the children (I keep worrying about what happens if I die, keep worrying one of them will die and I am sad that I may never have a 'normal' family life or a partner again). Good news is I have tons of friends and a loving family.

Anyway, it would be good to hear from other people in a similar place or who have been touched by suicide. One of the things I might do is see a clinical psychologist or similar, to understand a bit more about why it may have happened. Was he mentally ill or just a huge twat, who did it almost to punish me and everyone else for his own mistakes? I will never know.

OP posts:

Report

GRW · 31/01/2016 20:32

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be hard to get your head round it. It sounds like you are doing everything right with regards to your children. It is better for them to hear the truth in language they can understand from you, than to hear it from outside sources you have no control over. My sister took her own life after a relationship ended, and my mother did blame her ex partner and found it hard to be around him. I didn't feel any anger towards him. Your husband was responsible for his own actions.It is true that you will never know what was on his mind at the end, and do that is hard to come to terms with when you need answers. It sounds as if his alcohol problem was clouding his judgement and behaviour. I am glad you have got support from family and friends, and hope the arrangements for the funeral are going ahead without too much conflict with his parents.