'When I heard about your child I hugged mine a bit tighter' - Like I care, I don't want to fucking hear it.
'If my child died I would never be able to '- So you would be so much more upset than I am, you have no clue what you would do or be like unless it happens to you.
'At least you have your other children/can have more' - I could have a million more children, it still wouldn't replace my son and daughter.
'I know how you feel my dog died and he was like a child to me' - Just no.
'I know how you feel my Granny/Uncle/Great Grandad died' - again, just no.
Then you get the people who make it all about them, so I end up comforting them because my children died.
The ones who don't even acknowledge that my children exsisted, the ones who shuffle uncomfortably when I mention their names, the ones who think I'm weird for daring to have pictures of my children up, the ones who think they should be forgotton, the ones who try and look for a way I am to blame so they don't have to think that it could happen to them, the ones who try to create a history that never happened to try and hijack my grief by making out they were so close, when in reality they never bothered.
Sorry for the rant, I had an email this morning from someone who thinks I want to hear that she is going to the baby garden I can't go to on my daughters birthday and telling me about her plans when she never even met her and fell out with me because she wasn't invited to her funeral (it was a very small funeral).
I can't make out if she is trying to be nice or just gaining attention by grieving for a child she never knew.
She has done most of the above, and it really grates on me that she is going to my place to remember my children when I can't.
I've encountered so many shitty attitudes over the years you would think I would be used to it, but this has really hit me today 
Sorry for the ramble, having a tough day today.
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Bereavement
Why do people say/do these things when your child dies?
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 26/01/2016 11:51
I didn't want your post to go unanswered, even though I'm sure I have nothing of great value to say...
I'm so so sorry this happened to you. That sounds horrendous. One of my close friends lost her son when he was 6 months old and I think she heard all kinds of things, simply because most people can't even imagine how she feels and just don't know what to say.
Hopefully someone more helpful will be along!
Because some people are stupid and/or unable to think of others.
I'm so sorry for your loss
Breathtaking ignorance.
I am so sorry for what you've had to deal with. 
Don't apologise for anything you put here. [fliwers] I don't know what your friend's motivation was for sending that email but I am sorry that she's wound you up.
Keep posting if it helps.
People come out with stupid stuff at times like this. I lost my baby at 23 weeks pregnant ( not saying its the same ) and I had
"Its for the best"
"try not to dwell on it"
"our Denise had a miscarriage - she got over it really quick"
"was it because you are overweight?"
I'd rather people said " I don't know what to say" than come out with insensitive selfish comments.
She ought to keep away from your place 
It beggars belief that people can be so thoughtless.
So sorry for your loss. It must be horrendous.
Thank you all.
I don't even think I'm going to reply to her.
We were friends a long time ago when my son died, we drifted apart after that really because of a lot of the above reasons, didn't hear from her for years until she found out my daughter was ill, then told me how nice it would be for herto be at my daughters funeral since she was at my sons also 'like completing the circle' she said 
I declined her weird offer and have barely heard from her since. Now she has heard I'm no longer in the area and won't be coming back and probably thinks she is being comforting, all it is doing is hurting me
"Completing the circle"?!? Fucking hell 
. I am so so sorry for what you have been through and can't believe that someone could be so breathtakingly thoughtless.
If it is any comfort, she does not sound normal.
Also, I have always thought how crazy, smug and stupid it sounds to say that you will "hug your kids a little tighter tonight" to someone who has undergone such tragedy. And how unimaginably lonely it would make me feel if someone said this to me in this situation.
I am gobsmacked that people think it appropriate to say such crap and I'm so sorry you have had to hear it .
It is because people don't engage brain before opening mouths.
At least you have your other children/can have more' - I could have a million more children, it still wouldn't replace my son and daughter.
^ this is the one that used to get to me the most, especially as they used to change it to "at least you have your DSC"
The amount of times I used to feel like yelling back no I can't have more and I love my DSC but it isn't the same.
for you OP
I think a lot of people just feel awkward and don't know what to say so open their mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind.
Having said that, I had a stillbirth and two days after it I was unsurprisingly upset and in tears. What did MIL say? "SIL was just like this after her baby, that's hormones for you!" You mean my grief is like the baby blues SIL had after her perfectly healthy baby? I don't think so! . Her actions at that time damaged what had until then been a good relationship and ten years later it has not recovered.
I am so sorry to hear you lost a son and a daughter.
Oh OP I'm so sorry for the loss of your children.
I've been there too with the stupid fucking comments and being ignored. It's amazing to me that not only did my daughter die but I lost friends due to their complete inability to handle their feelings. Six years on and the anger hasn't gone away regarding that.
Thing is, in this dat and age it takes literally 1 minute to google "what to say to someone whose child has died" for ideas. If not a simple "I'm so sorry" works.
I'd also be raging over the ex friend visiting the garden, if she wants to pay respects fine but emailing you stinks of attention seeking, "look how thoughtful I am".
Hardest thing in the world, life forever changed. 
Thank you all, was having a rough day (17 and 9 years on and I still have rough days) and then got that email.
I'm so sorry that so many of you are also walking this shitty path with me and even more sorry that you have had also had to encounter such thoughtless people too
This many years in I think I could write a book with all the comments I've encountered, and then someone else springs up with something I've never heard (it's even happened on MN a few times lately too)
Is it really so difficult to just think before you speak or type?
Oh yes I forgot 'it was Gods plan' and also 'They are in a better place now'
Sometimes it really is better to say nothing.
So sorry Msrichard
unfortunately people are selfish and thoughtless. I actually think things have got worse with facebook abd social media
so sorry op. Nothing I can say helps
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