I don't know how to do this any more. Every happy thing is broken. My younger daughter got engaged today, and I have strapped on a fucking big smile and pretended. Actually, I am in tears, I need to tell Pete, he'd be so pleased, but he's not here. And he'll never be here. How do I do this?
Having never been in your position I don't know what to say, but I'm sending you a big hug. My mum was widowed 10 years ago (my dad was 61 when he died) and I know she found it hard when my dd got married and my other dd's passed significant birthdays, etc. Is your bereavement recent?
Just over 4 months. Pete was just 60 when he died. I've held myself together through my birthday, Christmas, New year. I don't have anything left to hold together any more. But I have to, because that's what you do. And I can't spoil today for anyone, but I need to cry somewhere.
Those of us who have experienced what you have tend to call it the "mask". We strap it on when it is required of us and pretend to all and sundry that we are enjoying life and the moment we are in. This often isn't the case and in fairness at times it becomes such a burden to wear the mask that we often put it down. That's when we let the tears flow and all that comes with it.
The emotions you are feeling now and what you will fee in the future will ebb and flow and certainly at times be stronger than at others. Know that there are others like you out there and posting on here will at least allow you to feel not so alone.
It's a shitty road and I live it with you every day.