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How to cope?

(16 Posts)
Bearberry Fri 22-Jan-16 18:20:09

Not really sure what I'm looking to gain here, I guess perhaps some advice for how to deal with the coming months?

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant. Our baby is a girl and due 25th April. On the 26th April 2015 I delivered our first baby girl at home at 20 weeks gestation. The whole experience was incredibly traumatic and I am still very much grieving our dd1. We are so delighted to be pregnant again, but it's proving an emotional endurance test, which is much of what I expected. The closeness of dd2 due date to the date we lost dd1 does not help. No reason was found for dd1 passing and my anxiety levels are high, that the same will happen again. Although all is well in this pregnancy I can't help but worry lightening will strike twice and can't take any comfort in statistics or the fact that things are textbook. I'm having counselling, which helps. I guess I've been getting through so far by emotionally vommiting at counselling once a week and the rest of the time keeping busy and trying not to think too much. I suppose this isn't ideal but I don't know how else to get though.

Today I have heard that my grandad, who is like a father to me and represents all that is safe and solid and, well he is home to me basically... Is terminally ill. He has asbestosis and has been unwell for around a year now, but I guess we were all holding out hope things might improve or plateau. He has been told he has 4-6 months best case scenario. He is at home, and my granny will continue to look after him. He is 81. I'm lucky to have ever had him. I'm lucky he will be surrounded by those who love him.

But it just feels so unfair, like a trade, like my babies life for his. I know it's illogical but it's hugely ramped up the anxiety that this baby will die and he will die.

I just don't know how to deal with this emotionally, I feel like I've been on a knifes edge as it is this pregnancy and to process and deal with the next few months feels insurmountable. I know I have hormones to contend with to but I feel so restricted by trying to deal with this whilst pregnant. He lives 250 miles away too, and although we speak on the phone and I have been visiting every month or so this is going to become harder in the coming months.

I'm sorry if any of the above reads as insensitive, selfish or blasé - I just don't know how to deal with this situation.

FadedRed Fri 22-Jan-16 19:07:53

Oh Bearberry, not sure anything I say will be helpful, but cannot just read and say nothing.
You are facing two very difficult situations, both at around the same time, when even one of them alone would be soooo difficult for you, so no wonder you are finding it so stressful.
But, the 2 are not connected, it's just shit timing and life's a bitch for doing that.
Like you say, the statistics are on your side for this pregnancy to be OK, but you are grieving for your lost babe, and the joy that this current pregnancy should brought is impossible because of that experience.
And, yes, you can say that your DGF has had a good and long life, is cared for by loving people, but it doesn't take away your sadness at the thought of his illness and what is to come.
You say the counselling is helpful, that's good.
If someone had a crystal ball and could tell us the future, then maybe we'd be able to cope better, maybe not.
Try to visualise yourself with your baby, showing him/her to Great-granddad, because that is what might happen. Try not to distress yourself with imagining the worse case scenario.
Maybe you should move this thread to the pregnancy loss topic - there are many very empathic people on there who have walked in similar shoes and will have far wiser words than mine.
flowers and good wishes.

KittyandTeal Fri 22-Jan-16 19:13:49

I remember your original thread I think bearberry.

I'm sorry about for granddad and that you are feeling so anxious.

I don't know if it would help but there is an Angels and rainbows antenatal thread which is really helpful as everyone has been in the same boat and it equally nervous and anxious.

Bearberry Fri 22-Jan-16 19:15:58

Thank you FadedRed, for your kind words and taking the time to answer me. You make a lot of sense! I supposed it's cathartic in a way just to talk about it, to try and process everything and find lines between things.

It's interesting as I know I try to make sense of situations, to make them logical and connected as a way of trying to control them. I know really that neither of these situations work in that way, but two huge things with no control is terrifying.

ifcatscouldtalk Fri 22-Jan-16 19:27:40

That is enough to mess with anyone emotionally/mentally. I knew a work colleague who had a stillborn full term and told me they did not dare to be happy till baby no 2 was in their arms and all was well. All was well and they now have a beautiful & healthy child. You are understandably grieveing which throws up all emotions. Sorry about your grandad, sometimes its best to think a day at a time and not try to predict what will happen and when. Im sure your grandad is very proud of the steps forward you are making and wouldn't want you having these thoughts at all. I've probably not helped a great deal but i wish you all the best.

FadedRed Fri 22-Jan-16 19:28:03

Yes, BearBerry, it is the 'no control' that makes it really hard. isn't it?
But there are things you do have control of, in both situations.
Taking care of yourself and the baby you are growing, and telling DGF that he is loved. You can do both.
Then, at the end of the day, you can know you did the best that you could at the time. And that's all anyone can expect and is some small comfort.
And yes to Kiity's suggestion about Angels and Rainbows topic. It can make difficult reading, but you won't feel so alone.

Bearberry Fri 22-Jan-16 19:51:38

Thanks Kitty, I do lurk there so maybe I should be brave and post.

Thanks for your kindness,
If cats flowers

AppleAndBlackberry Fri 22-Jan-16 19:54:09

I've suffered two bereavements in the past 18 months, one in horrible circumstances. I just have to take one day at a time really. I don't expect too much of myself. I've given up some volunteering I was doing and put some other projects on hold and I just do what I need to do for work and the children. I know it will probably be like this for a while. Talking helps, especially to people who understand. It's still really hard though, I think it will take a long time. Some people have said it takes 2 years to feel 'normal' again after a major bereavement, I've also heard 5 years.

Jw35 Fri 22-Jan-16 20:08:19

Oh god I feel for you, I really do that's heartbreaking thanks 20 weeks must have felt so certain and to go through that, I just can't imagine. Your due date could be seen in a more positive light-a celebration hopefully of a lovely healthy child. Your rainbow baby. I really wish you the best of luck, you've got to 27 weeks so hopefully all will be fine! So sorry about your grandad. Life is so bloody cruel sometimes thanks

Bearberry Fri 22-Jan-16 20:09:06

AppleAndBlackberry, I'm so sorry to hear of your bereavements and that
you're having a hard time flowers

Sounds like you are being kind to yourself and giving yourself opportunity to grief. I suppose really that's all any of us can do. I'm just struggling with all of these emotions and trying not to let them and the associated thoughts run too wild. I feel this wave panic and fear threatening to envelope me. I want to keep that at bay but process the sadness and grief. Not sure how possible this is!!

AppleAndBlackberry Fri 22-Jan-16 20:48:08

Thanks, yes I do think we need to make space to grieve. It is really hard knowing someone you love is going to die, in some ways that time can be as hard as the death itself although in a different way. Pregnancy hormones don't help either. Do you have anything to remember your daughter? I know some people make memory boxes and that can help in a small way, or even writing to the person who died, strange as that sounds.

cocochanel21 Fri 22-Jan-16 20:56:59

I can sort of understand your situation, my dd died just over 3mths ago while I was 7mths pregnant. The last couple of mths of my pregnancy were horrendous. Glad your getting counselling Hope it help's. Dd2 has really brought happiness our lives that I didn't think was possible a couple of mths ago.
Sorry about your grandad take care of yourself.

Bearberry Fri 22-Jan-16 21:07:38

Gosh coco, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your daughter - can't even begin to imagine your pain sad flowers glad DD2 has brought you some happiness. It's good to hear that the grief and joy can be felt simultaneously, kind of amazing that humans are capable of that. I guess that's part of what scares me, that my grief for dd1 and grandad has overwhelmed my pregnancy (which is totally normal I know) but I feel guilty thinking it will dampen the joy of (hopefully) having her and the newborn months etc....

hopinghopefullyagain Fri 22-Jan-16 21:15:20

Bearberry, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious first daughter. Our first daughter was stillborn at 32 weeks recently and I'm now in the very early stages of another pregnancy. It's tough but I do find that being on the angels and rainbows thread helps. Like kitty, I'd recommend posting over there if you can

Hatethinkingofusernames82 Fri 22-Jan-16 21:31:55

Oh bear berry what a lot you have on your plate (sorry that seems like such an understatement).

I don't really have any words of wisdom but a friend of a friend went through something similar to you- in the sense of current pregnancy being due the same week as previous Baby was still born. Apparently the medical team have told her/reassured her that she will be induced a week or so early to ensure that she doesn't give birth on the same day. And so she can keep both babies birth days separate- important for the emotions I think!

Big hugs and take care! Xxx

Hatethinkingofusernames82 Fri 22-Jan-16 21:34:53

Sorry for the kisses- very unmumsnet of me. I think I got distracted!

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