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Why didn't he sort it...????

(16 Posts)
Ludoole Wed 20-Jan-16 02:37:24

Im finding sorting the things that the solicitor needs for probate is too hard...
I have to look through all my husbands letters which is painful and it feels wrong....
I know i need to do it, but it doesnt feel right sad.
Its been approx 6 weeks but im struggling... Why, why, why did he not sort this while he was able??? I HAVE to do it, but its tearing me apart. I cant grieve properly until i know its sorted. I feel like im in limbo.
Everyone already expects me to be back to normal. Oh im good at pretending to them that im ok, but i also tell myself hes at work so i can cope... my life is pretending...
I miss him. So much.

IamCarcass Wed 20-Jan-16 03:06:29

No help OP, but just wanted to bump your post and say you're not alone.

Siwi Wed 20-Jan-16 03:09:52

Have you got anyone to help you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 20-Jan-16 03:32:49

Ludoole - if anyone expects you to be back to normal then they've got several screws loose. Of course you're not going to be after only 6 weeks! You won't ever be back to the "normal" you were when your DH was still alive, because you have been fundamentally changed by him dying.
You will learn to cope and adjust but it all takes time, a lot of time.

Now - your DH has left you in this pickle, so the first thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that you HAVE to look at his letters, and if he didn't want you to then he should have sorted things out earlier to help you. I know he probably couldn't in the last period, but he could have done more before. He didn't, so now you have to just say "Well, you didn't do it, so now I get to see more of your stuff than I would have done if you were here or had done it yourself. Tough nuts, matey!"

Next. STOP pretending you're ok. You're not. NO one should imagine that you are. ASK for help when and where you need it - if you want someone to come and help you go through stuff, then ASK.

I can't remember how you're placed in terms of family/friends - do you have close people locally to you who would help if you asked?

(((hugs))) lovely - it sucks, all of it. But you will get through it. thanks

AcrossthePond55 Wed 20-Jan-16 03:46:42

It would probably be prohibitively expensive, but would staff at the solicitor's office do this for you or with you?

Other than that, all I can say is I'm so sorry. I've often looked at my piles of papers and thought that whoever ended up with them was in for a nightmare. I guess all you can do is make a strong pot of coffee and/or tea and just take a deep breath and forge on. Is there anyone who could keep you company? They don't have to look at stuff, just 'be' there.

Of course you're still hurting! If 'everyone' expects you to be back to normal, then you need a new set of 'everyones'! I'd expect children to expect that, but not anyone else. Not at 6 weeks.

Siwi Wed 20-Jan-16 08:56:26

Would Cruse be able to advise you?

I have no experience. Thou witch and Pond's advice is sound.


Ludoole Wed 20-Jan-16 15:26:08

Thanks all flowers Was having a hard night last night and feeling overwhelmed.
He wouldnt mind me going through the papers, im just angry that he didnt sort them He didnt sort his dads probate when he died over a decade ago either so im having to sort paperwork for that too...
I suppose i should just commit to one long rummage through then hopefully i will have found everything.

To top the day off my dm has just asked what shes done to offend me... as apparently im snappy with her today hmm
Ffs, im just overwhelmed with everything and ache inside.
I think i shall just head home and open a bottle of wine smile

AcrossthePond55 Wed 20-Jan-16 19:00:02

Well, here then; 🍻 🍶 🍸 🍹 🍷 Take your pick!

I recommend one of each and a quiet evening.

Musicaltheatremum Wed 20-Jan-16 20:36:31

6 weeks and "back to normal" ridiculous. You will never get back to normal. There will be a new normal but never what the old normal was. It never can be. It will be 4 years in March since my husband died aged 50 of a brain tumour. I'm happy, I'm functioning and have great kids but this is a new life for me and I still miss him terribly. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Ludoole Thu 21-Jan-16 00:34:30

Across grin flowers
Musical Im so sorry. Its good to be able to talk to people who understand though i wish nobody would have had to have gone through this flowers
I thought it was 6 weeks. Its been 7!! I lost a week somewhere...
Anyway im having tomorrow at home and will try to relax and finish the book i was enjoying reading when dh passed away A game of thrones. I will force myself to concentrate!!! Ive always used books to escape but the ability to get past the first paragraph has eluded me recently.
Thank you all for your comforting words and for sharing your own stories flowers

Adarajames Thu 21-Jan-16 00:48:26

When ive struggled to concentrate but needed distracting when distraught, I've found listening to audiobooks whilst doing some colouring in has been enough to occupy my mind from the distressing bit of the situation for at least a few moments so I can relax a little, worth a try maybe if you can't focus on the written words?
6 weeks is mere moments after a shared life, be gentle with and to yourself, and be how you need to be to keep going onwards, ignore those expecting you to be 'over it' / behaving in a certain way. So so sorry for your loss flowers

Ludoole Thu 21-Jan-16 01:28:20

Adara flowers Thank you

Jenda Thu 21-Jan-16 01:36:56

Hi Ludoole, I've lurked on your previous posts and I'm very sorry for your loss flowers

Just to add sympathy, I lost my Dad a year ago and in his flat there were 10+ full cardboard boxes full of paperwork going back to 1972! Sorting through it all was hellish, I found things I didn't want to see and the legal and financial documents were overwhelming!

I found it helpful to make a list and break it down. If I received a letter asking for information I would put a post it note on it listing what I needed to get together for it and add it to the pile! It's so stressful but the relief when it is over is good.

I was angry my Dad didn't sort it too, he knew he was dying and he had a lot of spare time, but can't change that now eh

daisychain01 Sat 23-Jan-16 14:40:57

Hi Ludoole I have just posted a message on your other thread smile

Try not to be too frustrated about your DH, it feels desperately painful now, but once it's finalised you can take a deep breath. Death can be an tremendously difficult thing to confront, some people are very organised but others bury their head in the sand and try not to think about it as it's too difficult to deal with. Maybe the thought of death, his or his family's, was just too much. There's no rights or wrongs in it all....

Regarding you having to read your DHs paperwork and it feeling wrong somehow, that exactly how I felt when I had to sort out my DHs probate. In life I would never have dreamt of going through his stuff, I would have felt like an invasion of privacy but there I was looking at all his paperwork and knowing he want around d and never would be again felt so terribly final. But once it was done and dust, it did feel a relief.

I remember taking his jacket off the coat hook in the hall and finding a few coins in one of his pockets. I don't know what made me but I shouted up the stairs "just taking some change from your pocket, lovey" as if to ask for his permission.

None of its easy so take things steady and try to go through it like is just a process. Hope you're OK x

seimum Sat 23-Jan-16 22:31:37

Hi Ludoole
Do you have a friend who can help, or any other relative who is an executor with you?
My brother died suddenly on Wednesday, and I know I am going to have to help my SIL with all the probate stuff, as she never got involved with any of the finances - but it's something I am happy to do as I know I am better at it than she would be

Phoenix69 Tue 16-Feb-16 05:37:04

Dont pretend, make sure friends know how you are feeling.

It will be a different normal you return to after the loss.

My wife died 4 years ago and as a 46 year old single parent of 2 teenage girls, I survived. Was terribly sad going through paperwork for probate and I asked friends to help sort through her personal things like clothes and jewelry. Day by day things were easier to deal with and there will always be down days but learning to cope and live your life will come with time.

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