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We have fallen out over our late baby son

(36 Posts)
MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sun 17-Jan-16 22:23:47

Our beautiful baby son died a few years ago and tonight my DH has gone to bed not talking to me. Overall it's been a shit weekend.

Last night we were watching tv together and he wanted to watch an episode of ''The Last Kingdom' he had recorded. In it a man was clawing at the ground digging up the body of his baby son who had died. It was pretty graphic and shocking. I left the room and went into the kitchen and muttered aloud to him that I found it upsetting and that I didn't think it was entertainment. He said that these things are sometimes part of the story and that he wasn't going to stop watching stuff every time I found it offensive. We went to bed not talking.

Today I brought my DC's to see a film where one of the main characters died. I welled up in the cinema, and at home afterwards asked the DC's if they found it sad. They said no and joked that they had seen their favourite characters in their computer games die, then my DS 8yo piped up "Sure we've seen a baby die in real life!" I said not to compare his brother to computer game characters and that I was disappointed. My DH told me to calm down and that I wasn't the "only person ever to have lost a child". He hasn't spoken to me for the rest of the day. Said goodnight in a snotty fashion and went up to bed a few minutes ago.

I don't mention our son very often. Naturally Christmas was sad for us but I cried in front of him for the first time in months a week or so ago. He was kind about it then.

He has really rattled my cage this weekend. I sometimes don't like his brusque manner towards me and how cold he can be. I didn't think we would let the sun set on an argument over our beautiful boy.

Btw, I reached out to him twice this evening but he rejected me both times.

Sorry for the rant. I am usually very private on MN but this has made me feel very alone.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 17-Jan-16 22:39:31

People grieve and recover in their own way. Children are especially resilient (and plain spoken). Death just doesn't mean the same thing to them as it does to us, especially if they were very young when their sibling died.

It may be that your DH is further on his recovery road than you are and feels 'dragged back' to an earlier stage when you express your grief. As he should respect you, so should you respect him. Just because he is recovering swifter, it doesn't mean that he hurt any the less.

Have you considered grief counseling or a bereaved parents group? It may help you to talk with others who are nearer where you are in your grief.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sun 17-Jan-16 22:45:26

Thank you Across, I don't dispute the fact that he is bereaved and may be at a different stage along the road to me and I have always respected that. It is more to do with his coldness that has rattled me and the realisation that he seems to have no respect for my feelings. We are disconnected.

BlueSkyandRain Sun 17-Jan-16 22:55:07

OP I'm so sorry. I lost my baby son nearly three years ago, and when dh was watching that episode of the last kingdom recently I couldn't stay in the room either. I'm often that way with things, but it doesn't always affect dh the same way. As the pp said, people grieve differently. That said though, dh would never respond like that, he'd offer to turn it off and watch it when I wasn't around etc. and give me a hug if I was feeling sad. And he feels sad too, and talks to me about it but just isn't always triggered by the same things.

Your dh doesn't sound further down the road of grief to me, or more recovered, it sounds like his reactions are different, he's reacting with anger. flowers op.

AugustRose Sun 17-Jan-16 22:57:01

I'm sorry you have fallen out in this way. I can completely understand what you are saying, children are indeed resilient but I don't think it was appropriate for you 8 year old to say that and you DH should agree. When our DC4 died 6 years ago my other children were 13, 7 and 2.5 and we have since had another child who is almost 5 now and none of them would talk about the death of our baby in that way.

I think perhaps your DH wasn't sure how to handle the situation and has lashed out at you rather than find a way to tell your son not to talk that way. I would be concerned about them playing games where their favourite characters die and they laugh.

When our baby died his funeral was not as planned and DH and I had a big falling out afterwards, I know it still eats away at him despite many conversations about it. As for the programme, I agree with you - you are of course not the only person to have lost a baby but it doesn't make it easier to watch such scenes.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sun 17-Jan-16 23:05:00

Sorry I should have kept my other DC's out of this. Figures of speech, colloquialisms etc may make them appear disrespectful or callous but nothing could be further from the truth. They have been hurt too but are wonderful and kind and caring. They are the reason I am here.

AugustRose Sun 17-Jan-16 23:15:58

I didn't mean to have a go at your children, it's obvious that you were upset after watching the programme last night and then you son's comment today has added to that because your DH didn't react the way you expected him to. I agree with BlueSky that he has acted with anger, perhaps he is frustrated at himself for not being able to show how he feels as freely as you.

I often sat upstairs listening to my DH laughing at programmes while my heart was breaking and thinking 'how could you' but I know it was his release, a way to stop the hurt for just a short time.

Hopefully this can pass and you can talk to him about it, that it's OK for him to watch such things but it's also OK for you choose not to and he shouldn't get frustrated by it.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sun 17-Jan-16 23:28:41

Sorry AugustRose that's just the tigress in me!

Our baby died over five years ago. Some of what you say rings true (listening to him laughing on the phone or at a film while I bawl my eyes out) but I would have thought they sounded like things that happen in the immediate aftermath of loss, not at this stage - although evidently not.

I am not sure what I feel any more tbh.

I thought we were more of a team but I think I am mistaken unfortunately. As I said I am just here for my DC's.

AugustRose Sun 17-Jan-16 23:39:12

There is no time on loss unfortunately, I am OK most of the time and something out of the blue can make it like our baby died yesterday, especially with Christmas and birthdays.

It's sound like you have other things going on and your grief may not just be for your baby but for what you thought you had with DH. My DH and I have had some rough times and I believe there are times I have stopped myself leaving with our other DC because DH is the one person who completely understands the devastating death of our son. It's almost like if we were not together then the link to our son would be broken too.

You sound a bit isolated in your grief, do you talk to anyone else about your son?

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sun 17-Jan-16 23:51:04

No August I don't. What you said there about 'what I thought I had with DH' is bang on and also staying.

I am isolated in my grief (my own DM and DF are dead). Feeling like I've no one is sometimes very real.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sun 17-Jan-16 23:52:13

Thank you to all of you btw and I am sorry for your losses too flowers

AcrossthePond55 Sun 17-Jan-16 23:53:36

You know, my own DH can seem a bit 'flip' at times when he's deeply affected and it can come across as cold. There are times I've had to call him out on it, he doesn't really know when he does it.

I still think counseling could help. Do you think he'd go with you if you asked? I think it's all too common that deep grief makes a divide where you'd think it would bring people closer.

AugustRose Mon 18-Jan-16 09:30:04

How are feeling this morning Martin? Have you used Sands before? I know forums and online support are not for everyone but they can be a good resource.

I hope you can talk to your DH soon to at least clear the air on this argument, no matter what else is going on I can understand not wanting to fight over your baby.

I'm sorry you don't have your parents here either flowers

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Mon 18-Jan-16 09:45:53

Thank you very much August. He has gone away for work for the week and left without a hug or usual cheery goodbye. I probably won't hear from him or else he'll call as if nothing has happened. I need to be strong here so I don't think I'll pick up if he calls tbh, but based on his mood (unless he has an epiphany) I seriously don't think he'll bother.

I was going to start a thread in relationships asking what makes a marriage/partnership happy but it wouldn't be appropriate at this point.

I did speak with Sands (Little Lifetime Foundation where I am) five years ago and spoke to a marvellous lady there called Ronnie. I think I just want to turn inside into myself at the moment. I don't feel ready to talk even still.

Thank you for thinking of me smile

NNalreadyinuse Mon 18-Jan-16 09:56:31

I think your h is being a total bastard tbh. There is no sensitivity or kindness from him towards you and he hasn't even supported you when you pulled your kids up on an inappropriate comment ( which you were right to do. Children need to learn to consider how their words and actions impact on others).

If my h went off for a week with no communication or apology and explanation for such shitty behaviour, he would he coming home to divorce papers. Serious question, but what good things are you getting from this relationship? You don't have to answer here, but think about it. Because if this is typical I can't see why you stay with him.

Badders123 Mon 18-Jan-16 10:16:07

I have not lost a child and I found that episode very difficult to watch.
Your child's comment was unacceptable and disrespectful and I think you need to make sure that he/she knows you are upset and why.
I have - sadly - had many bereavements over the past 2 years and even though we are grieving for the same person, because our relationship with that person will be very different to the other grieving person, it can so sometimes seem that the other person is "over it" or "wrong".
His coldness to you is really unkind but there is no "right" way to grieve, nor a timeframe.
I'm sorry for your loss X

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Mon 18-Jan-16 13:51:31

He phoned and asked questions as if nothing happened - How are you, how were the kids going to school this morning, etc. I replied but didn't enquire how he was. I am too tired and still annoyed that my feelings aren't seen as valid. I feel very low about this.

Badders123 Mon 18-Jan-16 14:01:04

I'm not surprised.
You felt vulnerable and upset and he didn't acknowledge that.

LizzieMacQueen Mon 18-Jan-16 14:01:23

Does he know you use Mumsnet and could you show him this thread?

I know my DH has 'moved on' from our last 2 pregnancy losses and I think I am almost there but it must be true of every relationship that has suffered a loss - one parent copes better. Maybe his anger arises from knowing he should do more to support you but feels inadequate.

Doublebubblebubble Mon 18-Jan-16 14:05:19

I remember how tough it was with my dh when my twins were stillborn. There are certain things we cant or refuse to watch. Of course Your feelings are valid but so are his and everyone grieves differently xx Our DD was 2.5 at the time and just sailed through it all and actually kept us sane S.A.N.Ds truly is the best. Have you seen a therapist or spoken to your Dr at all?? Pm me if you want x flowers xx

expatinscotland Mon 18-Jan-16 14:10:28

'It may be that your DH is further on his recovery road than you are '

There's no such thing as 'recovering' from the loss of a child.

My DD1 was 9 when she died 3.5 years ago, but I would have serious words with my H if he reacted like that.

I walk out of a lot of rooms when things are on. I cannot go to cinemas at all because I have PTSD and loud noises and sudden noises don't agree with me.

I would have words with my children, too. My son is 7 and has high-functioning autism and he speaks of his sister very lovingly.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

NNalreadyinuse Mon 18-Jan-16 16:13:43

I'm a bit pissed off with posters on this thread making excuses for his shitty behaviour. Even if he is 'further on in his grief' where is his concern for the OP, who is clearly still struggling?
Anger is not a valid response from him. She doesn't need that shit from him when she has enough on her plate.

expatinscotland Mon 18-Jan-16 16:16:59

I agree, NN.

BlueSkyandRain Mon 18-Jan-16 20:38:48

I agree too, I certainly didn't intend to sound like I was making excuses for him. It's true there's no 'right way' to grieve, but there are right & wrong ways to behave, and even if he snapped initially at you for whatever reason, he definitely then chose to continue cold-shouldering you. Tbh it sounds like it's a more general issue anyway with your dh?

AugustRose Mon 18-Jan-16 22:32:20

Martin your feelings are valid and you shouldn't have to justify or explain them to someone who should understand them.

I think you need to take this time while your DH is away to think about what you really want, if this kind of behaviour has become normal from him then you do deserve better than that.

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