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Am i coping or not????

(23 Posts)
Ludoole Wed 06-Jan-16 02:33:01

Another night of no sleep....
I know my husband is gone. I know that. I watched his last breath on December 2nd. I saw him in his coffin. I was at the funeral on December 15th. I have his ashes next to me. So why am i still waiting for him to come home? Why do i still talk to him? Why cant i accept that hes not going to come home? I know in my head he wont but i believe in my heart he will.
Is this a coping mechanism, or is it a sign that im not coping??
When will it feel real?

houseHuntinginmanchester Wed 06-Jan-16 02:46:38

Oh ludoole. You are grieving, my love And it's ok whichever way you do this. It's too soon to be questioning yourself about whether you are coping or not.

You probably won't remember my reply to your previous thread but I have thought about you often. Please keep posting when you need to. I'm so so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a lovely person thanksbrew

nashley Wed 06-Jan-16 02:49:44

I am so sorry for your loss.
Everyone experiences bereavement differently and there are many stages that you may or may not go through.
There is no such thing as abnormal. My dad died 2 years ago and like you, I witnessed it all (long battle with cancer). I don't think my mind has accepted it fully after all this time. I don't cry that much and kind of feel like he's gone on holiday. Sounds strange but I do believe it is my brain's way of coping. Death is so final that we find it hard to comprehend.
My mum questions her thoughts and behaviour all the time, worrying her grief is 'wrong'. I firmly believe that you trust your body and go with what it wants and needs to do. She's a big crier, I'm not but we are both dealing with it as our bodies think is best.
I had counselling in the early days that reinforced my attitude of go with the flow.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, there are millions of people out there in very similar, if not the same situation.
Be kind to yourself at this difficult time x

Ludoole Wed 06-Jan-16 02:57:28

Sometimes i think im managing ok but its all just pretend. I can do what i need to do day to day as long as i believe hes at work/in the bathroom/asleep.
Its night time when the boys are in bed, that my stupid stupid head tries telling me hes not here that i fall apart.

Freeriver Wed 06-Jan-16 02:59:23

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through.

If you are managing to get up and dressed, eat a bit of food, and get through the day somehow, then you are coping as well as you are able.

It's very early days since your loss, dont expect too much of yourself.

What you feel is so natural.

Ludoole Wed 06-Jan-16 03:06:54

I have to cope though. Even if its pretend coping. I have to be 'normal' for my sons. They are going through so much. My dad was sectioned a week ago through alzheìmers. They have a lot to contend with as does my mum. I have to keep the day to day stuff normal when i just want to crawl in bed and never come out.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 06-Jan-16 03:08:05

It's still too soon. You're still reeling and your mind and heart are doing whatever it takes to get you through the days and nights. That's what coping is. Coping isn't 'getting over', it's 'getting through'. And you are getting through the days and nights even if it's not easy.

Love, don't be so hard on yourself.

houseHuntinginmanchester Wed 06-Jan-16 03:09:52

Sending you a huge warm hug lu brew night time is always the worst.
My mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and she can't be at home on her own anymore now. I'm so busy with the dds during the day... But when I lie in bed at night, all I can think of is how tired she sounds on the phone .. What needs to be done. It's the bloody silence that does it! Maybe I should wake up the insane three year old

nashley Wed 06-Jan-16 03:10:26

You are doing so well. It is important to be strong for your family but you are equally important and need support.
Do you have friends you can confide in? If not perhaps look for support groups in your local area. Failing that, do what I did and go to your gp to get counselling.
It is not a sign of weakness or not coping. It is looking after yourself too.
You really are coping amazingly well by what you say x

CainInThePunting Wed 06-Jan-16 03:11:42

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would speak to your GP, at the very least get something to help you sleep which will make you cope better but also perhaps some kind of counselling?

Give yourself time, there is no prescribed timescale for grieving to follow.


Ludoole Wed 06-Jan-16 03:19:41

He was my rock, my world. The one, the only one i could really talk to. I dont think i could talk to anyone else about this, except like this, anonomously, because i feel like im failing him. He told me to make new dreams and i cant. I dont want them. I want my family and its just incomplete forever now

AcrossthePond55 Wed 06-Jan-16 05:01:40

It's not time for new dreams. Not yet. You will have them at some point, but not now. Right now you need the 'old dreams' to see you through this. And that's OK.

FarrowAndBallache Wed 06-Jan-16 19:55:48

Ludoole it's so so soon after your darling died. You have been through so much. You must be exhausted.
It takes time to accept it. Time for our brains to let the knowledge in. It's a very gradual process that has many ups and downs.

An hour at a time right now. Don't look to tomorrow. Keep eating and drinking, try and rest and if you can get some fresh air everyday, even if it's just pottering in the garden with your coat.

Slowly, slowly you will accept it. You will be ok. I promise flowers

Sometimesithinkimbonkers Thu 07-Jan-16 23:30:26

Lu I lost my mum on 29th June 2014. Dx with small cell lung cancer in April 2014. We lived 200 mile apart but we spoke on the phone 3-5 times per day and face- timed at least once per day. She was my guiding light!
For at least the first year I thought she was on holiday ( I wouldn't speak to her as much on holiday just the odd text) I can't quite put my finger on when it stopped feeling like that.
The year of firsts is the worst.... It's getting easier but days I just ache.
My DS 6 is disabled and he was her world... I still pick up the phone to call her and say "DS 6 said car!"
I struggle for reassurance with DC...
I miss her so much .....
It's very very early days.... Big love to you and your DC xxx

Klaptout Fri 08-Jan-16 07:30:00

Lu, I think getting out of bed counts as coping right now.
Whatever gets you through the days is enough.
It's beyond hard when the person you share your life and home with dies.
When you've cared for them through the cancer treatment then suddenly they are not here. Not only is there a huge hole in your heart but suddenly you find you have lots of time on your hands, time that you would have spent caring for them in such an intense way. I know I found it hard not going to pick up prescriptions not going to hospital and all the other stuff that the adrenaline got you through.
For a long time after my DH died I used to make him his morning cup of tea.
It will become easier to bear but not for a while yet.
MN is the perfect place to talk about stuff, open 24/7 no one can see if your crying your hairs a mess and your still in your nightie, there are lots of wise supportive people here. ❤️

sem973 Fri 08-Jan-16 10:36:51

Hugs to you Ludoole, I have exactly the same question "am I coping or not, am I behaving normally?"
I lost my beloved mum suddenly on the 2nd Dec, I was with her as she slipped away, funeral was on the 17th Dec.
Through overwhelming feelings of belwilderment, I met with my GP & a bereavement counsellor yesterday, the main thing that came to light with both of them was I was able to pour out the fact that I literally can't believe this has all happened, the feelings of being numb & stunned are overwhelming at times but that's where my dazed state comes from, I'm able to function cognitively ie get up, get dressed, eat etc etc but the rest of my emotions are literally "frozen".......I feel guilty that tears don't come easy at times & felt That I can't be grieving "normally" but my GP hit the nail on the head saying everyone is completely different, they will come & my reaction doesn't mean I loved or miss my mum any less than the next person in the same boat......this kind of clicked with me & made me realise that in the early days we need to go with the flow & there are no rights or wrongs.......

Always here for a chat flowers


Zebedee2 Sat 09-Jan-16 14:29:54

Ludoole, I am 8 days behind you - my beloved died on 10 December. We knew it wouldn't be long, but he just slipped away, so quickly I didn't even get to the hospital in time. I too know he's dead, but am waiting for him to come home. Unlike you there are no children here - just me and the cat - and both our families are far away. Sometimes I think I am coping, so I suppose I must be. It's shit though isn't it.

Ludoole Sun 10-Jan-16 01:04:03

Thank you for sharing your stories flowers
Zebedee It really is shit!
Im living at the bottom of a wine bottle or two at the moment but i know i cant stay here for long... its not really helping, but it does numb the feelings and helps me keep pretending that hes coming back.

Mabel80 Mon 18-Jan-16 19:29:15

I lost my mother in August, it was totally sudden and unexpected she was 63 and my sister and I both pregnant. I saw her die, be resuscitated, arranged funeral etc and it is only now the loss is really starting to feel real, but then some days I still feel someone will tell me the whole thing was a joke and she will walk through the door. Grief has been nothing like what I have experienced before with other loved ones, but she was my world - I adored her.

TPel Mon 18-Jan-16 19:33:47

flowers to all of you who have lost someone.

Owllady Mon 18-Jan-16 19:38:22

I'm sorry ludoole (and everyone else flowers)
It's been a matter of weeks. However you feel and however you are getting through it is normal xxx

Mabel80 Mon 18-Jan-16 19:45:47

I couldn't believe how 'well' I functioned especially at the funeral - but in my mind I was no even a my own mother's funeral. I would say he first six weeks I was in total denial/shock. I would have brief moments of hysterics when it hit me but it was only later the realisation actually hit properly and since then it is a daily battle with holding back the tears and jus existing from day to day.

PunkrockerGirl Mon 18-Jan-16 19:51:11

Oh sweetheart it's such early days. You looked after him and treated him with dignity, care and respect.
My db died 11 days ago and you very kindly responded on my thread.
Do you know what, after only 11 days people have stopped asking if I'm ok. We haven't even had the funeral yet confused
I stood in Morrison's this morning for ages, unable to decide which brand of makeup wipes to buy, I'm not normally indecisive but I just couldn't move.
I too am finding solace in a few drinks.
I'm going to see db on Thursday at the undertakers. Last time I'll see him, it sucks.
Sending flowers

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