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Christmas funeral - oh Dad how do i mive on now

(20 Posts)
beachhead Tue 05-Jan-16 00:45:23

He's gone my lovely Dad, he left us just before Christmas, they said he'd be out of hospital, but his heart failed,, I was just getting the tree ready to go up for his home coming.

So instead had to go into auto pilot making funeral arrangements for 23rd December.

I'm all numb now.(my mum is keeping quite strong I'm so worried )

but Christmas was done somehow!

Family including my mum all came to me, (i really havnt stopped) but good to be kept busy at least I didn't have time to think deeply.

Anyone else in the same boat? Now i was alone today first time in 3 weeks thinking what's next , its awful, everyone else (except me and mum)going back to their same routine - work, school, But not for me, I'm at a loss

Any advice please?

ClosedAuraOpenMind Tue 05-Jan-16 00:56:08

not in the same boat, but couldn't not reply. just wanted to say thinking of you

timelytess Tue 05-Jan-16 00:58:01

I am sorry for your loss. flowers
I don't have any advice, really. My mother died nearly two years ago - I kept busy, just as you have done. Then I did particular tasks - like putting all my mum and dad's photos onto their computer so my dad could look at pictures of my mum all the time (he likes to do that!), and could easily find the ones he wants. Things that meant I had to be at their house, so that my dad wouldn't be alone. I still see him for about two hours, six days a week. My mum asked me 'You will make him a cup of tea, when this is over, won't you? You won't leave him alone?' So I don't. Perhaps you could do some practical things with your mum. It might be too soon to talk over old times but if you could find some busywork to share, that might help.

MummyBex1985 Tue 05-Jan-16 07:02:42

My mum died very suddenly on 9 December. We had her funeral on the 22nd.

Christmas stuff felt like a prison to me. Have good days and bad days - having a very bad day right now due to severe stress and sleep deprivation. It's horrible and you have my sympathy. I went back to work yesterday but can't face it today - so I'm going to the GP instead to try and get some help.

beachhead Tue 05-Jan-16 09:52:53

Hi there lovlies

Oh im deeply sorry my heavy heart goes out to all I'm very emotional, just crying reading your posts.

Its actually a bit comforting though to read how you muddle through.

Mummy Bex - so sorry -No work is the last thing you need to deal with.
the same as me my, dad died 7thDec, we haven't had grieving process yet, I couldn't face work with everyone talking about festivities , but you're good trying!
I think work expect us to click back in line, but I couldn't deal with work and a my job is too pressurised at the moment.

peaz1 Tue 05-Jan-16 09:59:55

I lost my dad when I was 22 and then my brother last Spring. The period between their death and arranging their funerals- I was on auto-pilot. You functioned because there was a goal in sight. The after that, there is no goal, just living.

It's 15 years since dad, and a matter of months since by brother died so I have the 'luxury' of knowing that the pain will lessen, as it did with dad, but I am now living the pain with my brothers death. It will lessen, but right now it is so raw.

Can you get signed off from work? I had a couple of days off and I just slept. Lots of love to you all who are going through this.

beachhead Tue 05-Jan-16 10:06:42

Hi mumbex
So sad for your loss, but you will get help . same here, doctor told me you need time to come to terms with everything. Carrying on at work will just bottle your emotions up.

Ask to see councillor , im deeply anxious all the time the doctor has given me a councillor number.

Best of luck to you

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 05-Jan-16 10:11:41

My fathers funeral is today, he died on 3rd December.

I am sorry for your loss flowers

drzeus Tue 05-Jan-16 10:50:30

flowers to those who are in sad times. I lost my mum on 21st December. Funeral is on 16th January. Christmas was a blur. I went to see the registrar on Christmas Eve. Muddling through at the moment. So hard.

beachhead Tue 05-Jan-16 14:55:46

Hi there 5go mad
sorry thinking of you right now ,the service will be lovely like your Dad would want.

try to keep strong for the rest of the family.(that's what I did for mum) x

sem973 Tue 05-Jan-16 18:49:57

Hi beachhead & all of you flowers

I too lost my beloved mum suddenly & unexpectably on the 2nd Dec, funeral was 17th Dec & its a living nightmare sad sad sad
Like you all I'm grieving not only for my beautiful mum but also the life I had before this cruel dark hole swallowed me up...

Sarah x

beachhead Tue 05-Jan-16 22:26:08

Hi All

Sem973 so sorry too for you love. I totally relate oh life's so cruel.
- I'm in just the same in a state of existence at the moment. Carnt seem to get going with anything, no energy.

It would help if I had more support I'm sure.

My hubbie told to just take the sleeping drugs and get on with it - daaa he's asking for it from me I'm so argumentative now (but think he just ignoring me , I've been a ratbag all Christmas!)

Sending you my heartfelt wishes anyway. Sarah too x

inlectorecumbit Tue 05-Jan-16 23:13:43

My mum also died 2nd December very suddenly and very unexpectedly and her funeral was 10th December, I am lost, the gulf in my life is huge and l am still struggling,
I went back to work today and the slightest mention of her death send me into a spin.I keep trying to phone her, think of things to tell her and only now l am begining to realise that gone =gone =never seeing or talking to her again and that sucks. I am in tears writing this.
Mum was from the Scottish hebrides and l have a further ceremony and burial of her ashes in April, l feel l can't begin to move on until she is at rest.
Tonight is a night l can take a sleeping tablet as sleep is no longer my friend. I am tired but as soon as my head touches the pillow l'm wide awake,thoughts and memories swirling round my head - as l do not need to get up early tomorrow l can afford a long lie to sleep off the effect of the tablets.
Hugs to everyone in this horrible situation, my dad died 11th December 2000 so December is not a good month for me sad

hilbil21 Tue 05-Jan-16 23:32:43

My mum died on 23rd November and we had her funeral on 4th December. Christmas - my 9 month olds first one, was quite frankly horrible and half the time I feel like I'm totally alone! I have no siblings and my dad died in 2011. Extended Family are dotted all over the place and I have my partners family here (he works 2 weeks on 2 weeks off offshore) but it's just not the same. It sounds pathetic for a 35 year old to say but I just want my mum back xxx

MrsMiniver Wed 06-Jan-16 13:10:40

Not pathetic hilbil, I'm 58 and I want my dad back! He died last summer so have had time to adjust and even though it was our first Christmas without him which was very hard, we got through and managed to smile through some tears.

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost someone. My brother is seriously ill also and his prognosis uncertain but losing dad has made me realise that we can cope with whatever the future may hold.

FeralBeryl Sun 10-Jan-16 13:42:47

I lost my Dad on 6th December, funeral was 15th Dec. I feel like my life is falling apart. We muddled through Christmas and New Year (their wedding anniversary) and my 40th birthday but I'm just struggling so much still. I've got a load of exams next week and feel like I'm drowning.
I am becoming quite detached from kids etc and don't know what's next.
Trying to just keep mum afloat at the moment.
I know it must get easier-people do it all the time. I just feel uncontrollably sad and angry. Does anyone else feel like opting out of society / family and going to live on s mountain with no relationships so you never gave to feel this pain again? wink
Are there any support groups near you Beach ? Is that something you could face yet?

FeralBeryl Sun 10-Jan-16 13:47:10

I found this on here, I am hoping it is accurate, I think it was shared by Phoenix.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you.

Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while.

Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function.

You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart.

You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side.

Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

MummyBex1985 Sun 10-Jan-16 15:38:16

Beryl yes I completely get how you feel. I don't want to opt into normal life and fun. I said to DH that Id rather die myself than ever have to go through this again. My first catastrophic loss was when I was 18 and that was obviously incredibly difficult, but my brain soon adapted. Now I'm 30 and even though I've appeared stronger on the outside, it's been far worse and a month on I feel just as bereft. My brain just won't work and I can't handle every day life and I'm scared that I'm close to people in case they go too.

beachhead Sun 10-Jan-16 16:10:28

Thank you feralberyl how absolutely gorgeous is that

Awh the support group thing thankyou feral beryl, hadn't thought of it yet
I'm not connecting with anyone - don't really want to. Infact Off to Dr. again to get signed off work again.

Although friend of mine (who is a teacher)has said we'll do lunch next week, I'm thinking about it, nice of her trying. But I just will probably get her depressed too.

I know its hard , try & keep strong out there ladies.

Exams FeralBeryl good luck, your Dad would have been proud. X

Lauresbadhairday Sun 10-Jan-16 20:12:19

My dad died in Dec 4 years ago and we had his funeral just before Christmas. I wanted to post just to say it does get easier with time. Sadly I lost my mum earlier this year so back to square one this Christmas.

Stay strong. It's hard but slowly, slowly it will get better.


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