Mother in law dying, husband taking it out on me. Feeling very lost.

[Cloudydaysaregreat]

Hi, my lovely mother in law has terminal cancer and has taken a sudden turn for the worst. It looks bleak. My husband is only 30 and has a small family and has never lost anyone. He is already grieving for the inevitable. He is being unbearable to live with. He is angry and aggressive and thinks nothing of shouting at me in front of our almost 2 year old DD. She had started to say that daddy is cross etc and seems scared. I am so so sorry for what is happening and sm being as tolerant of this behaviour as I can but surely there are acceptable limits? I shouldn't have up put up with being treated like this. He has always been like this occasionally but his mother's illness seems to have given him carte Blanche to do as he pleases with excuse. Has anyone been in a animist situation (either his side or mine?) and if so, how can I get him to work with me through this rather than using me as a verbal
Punchbag. I am also sad as I love my mil dearly. We are only 30 and she is only 60. Thanks x

[pammywonderful]

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time of things. My mother died of terminal cancer and we nursed her through it. It was awful and it just sounds as if your husband is finding it all very stressful and difficult to cope with.
Try and find a quiet time - difficult with a 2 year old -to try and work out what is the root cause of his behaviour. Is it the fact he feels helpless, or guilty for something he did in the past? Open questions are best. Encourage him to spend as much time with his mum as possible. However him storming around the house is not going to help and you need to gently remind him of this but at the same time be supportive. You could suggest and if it is affordable that he speaks to his employer to have some flexible working or time off - which might help him come to terms with what is happening.
If things are really bad then take 2 year old and stay at a friend's for the weekend so your husband can have some space. Don't forget yourself if all this. Do something for you such as chocolate or a hot bath. Good luck.

[ALemonyPea]

Sorry you're going through this op

I went through similar with DH, his mam had a few years of being really poorly with various illnesses and she passed away in June from cancer (and kidney and heart failure). It was tremendously stressful for us both, for him as he worked full time and had to deal with the stress of visiting his mother in hospital as and when he could, and for me as I was caring for her when she was out of hospital, doing her washing, bills, hospital appointments etc. We both took it out on each other, it was tough.

You do need to let him know that although you are there for him, you are not there for him to take his frustration out on. He needs to find somewhere else to do this, DH took up tai boxing and it certainly helped. Do tell him how much it is also upsetting you about his mother and that he can talk to you about how he feels. DH bottles things up but felt good talking once he got over himself.

And do make time for yourselves. Can you go out for dinner or a movie by yourselves, some time not to think about the stress of it all.

[MummyBex1985]

I'm sorry this is happening to all of you.

I'm on your DHs side of things - I lost my mum recently and in line with my previous losses, it again makes you question everything in your life and push people away. I couldn't stand any sort of affection - my mind was just all consumed by the love felt for the person I had lost (and in your case the person your DH is losing) and your brain doesn't have the capacity to deal with anything else. The people I am closest to are the people I don't put on a brave face for and unfortunately that sometimes makes me less patient and more irritable, although not to the same extent as your DH.

Your DH is grieving - although not in a way you would probably usually associate with grief as he hasn't lost the person yet. But grief/bereavement comes in many forms and that's one of them. If he's anything like me, it's impossible to process anything else but the loss. However, he will come around in time and will probably need you all the more. All I can suggest is telling him you know he's going through a lot and you want to support him but you can't do that if he's being aggressive towards you. It isn't ok for him to treat you like crap, however hard his life is right now. It may or may not go in, but either way it will get better for you in time.

[CharleyDavidson]

I lost my Dad last month to terminal cancer. It was very difficult and yes, you grieve for things before they happen and every time Dad lost something (his mobility, his ability to drive etc) I grieved for each of those things in turn.
What I didn't do is take it out on anyone else. As a pp says, it's fine for him to be cross and stressed as it's a horrible situation. But it's not ok for him to be taking it out on you and using the situation as an excuse. I would be removing myself from the situation every time he started being verbally unpleasant and then, when things were calm I'd be explaining that I understand that he's finding things difficult, but that it's just not an excuse for the way he is treating you.