But now it seems there's absolutely no avoiding it. The 25th will be my stillborn son's birthday. I have an 8 week old rainbow baby lying peacefully asleep next to me. But she's not him, and he's never far from my thoughts, and having this baby has brought up a whole host of emotions that I'm struggling to deal with. I have no idea how to get through the next couple of days. This time last year I had no idea that my much wanted baby would die inside me, that I couldn't keep him safe, and that I would have to go into hospital on Christmas Day and talk to midwives with tinsel in their hair about giving birth to my dead baby.
He's buried in a lovely memorial garden and we'll go up on Friday morning and lay a wreath and have a cry. We'll go home and light a candle and it's not going to be enough, is it? I wish I could drink the day away but don't dare even have a sip with the new baby around.
Flambola, I am thinking about you and baby J, I will have my candles lit for him and Azra and wishing you so much peace of mind. You have come so far in a year, and you have helped so many others like me on your way. Your tiny man, I am sure, is so very proud of you, as he watches you care for baby flam and he sees how you would have cared for him too. Be kind to yourself, you know my number if you need an ear. With much love and hugs x