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Blackness

(36 Posts)
Ludoole Mon 21-Dec-15 23:29:11

The blackness has set in tonight.
I want him back so much. How have i gone almost 3 weeks without hearing his voice, seeing his smile or feeling his warm skin? How do i go through the rest of my life without him???? When will this pain stop???? Why my Chris???????

Twitterqueen Mon 21-Dec-15 23:32:04

Hello Ludoole
I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I cannot even begin to imagine how bad you must be feeling. You are not alone here on Mumsnet. There is an invisible but very powerful and loving group of people all over the world who are silently wishing you some form of peace and relief from pain.

Would you like to tell us about Chris?

Ludoole Mon 21-Dec-15 23:43:01

Theres nothing to tell now. Hes gone. Hes taken everything good with him

DaftVader36 Mon 21-Dec-15 23:52:31

Ludoole , trying to think of something practical for you, and best I cN do is that my mum found an eye mask really helpful after dad died. It just helped her to shut out the world at night.

I'm so sorry for you and Chris.

Twitterqueen Mon 21-Dec-15 23:52:51

Talk to me Ludoole
Was he/she your partner? you son or daughter? Tell me what happened. the great thing about MN is that you can vent and cry and shout and scream online and someone will hear you. And sad though it is, someone else will have been where you are right now, and will be able to offer some meaningful words of comfort.

Ludoole Mon 21-Dec-15 23:58:50

He was my best friend for 21 years- i was 18 when we met. We always loved each other but didnt quite get together as a couple til 10 years ago. 16 months ago we were told he had terminal cancer. We fought it as best we could. We married on july 31st 2015 and he breathed his last breath as i watched on December 2nd... He was my everything. He took my children on as his own. He wrote me stories about our life together. He loved me so much. Now hes gone.

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 21-Dec-15 23:59:39

Is it starting to seem too real now? There's a lot about the the stages of grief and this sounds like you are moving through them. It isn't a linear or once only journey but it is a step. They're all grim for ages and ages but they do get less extreme.
He has left love behind. You wouldn't feel like this without love.
sad

Twitterqueen Tue 22-Dec-15 00:07:40

Can you try to think about how fortunate you were to have a) had such a good friend for so long and b) how fantastic that it turned into something more? You have had what so many people have never had, nor will have. You must have so many lovely, warm memories - they will never go away and they will never leave you. those memories are real and they will always be there for you to pick through and revisit whenever you want.

I have never been where you are so I'm sorry if my words are clumsy and unhelpful. It's probably very crass of me to say remember the good times. Maybe you just want to cry and scream? I would probably do the same in your shoes. Probably now is not the time to be sensible and logical. Now is perhaps when you just need to grieve.

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 00:14:45

I know i was fortunate. I had the best man ever! Friend, lover, soulmate and husband wrapped up in one package.
Im 39 and will never meet a man like him again. He was unique. He was mine and i was his. I just miss him. He didnt deserve what he went through. My boys and i didn't deserve it either. He gave me enough love to last 1000 lifetimes but i just miss him. I want him and he left... Im privileged to have known him and proud that im his wife but he has made my life lonely since he left. Nobody will ever measure up to him.

CharleyDavidson Tue 22-Dec-15 00:19:34

I feel the same about losing my Dad and that was in Nov. There's a sense of panic that he's gone when I think about him. I can't imagine how it must feel for that to be your partner. I've read your story as it developed and have felt for you on many occasions.

The way you write about him and remember him is a testament to the good man he was. I'm sorry you're suffering Ludoole. flowers

Twitterqueen Tue 22-Dec-15 00:24:31

I've got to go to sleep now Ludoole. The Christmas tree (all 7ft of real Nordmann Fir) fell over at 8am. I've had to saw 8 inches off the bottom and get the DCs to strip and redecorate it. Eldest DC as emergency dentist appt because wisdom teeth have decided to put in a strong appearance. I'm worried sick about how much it will cost me (I think about £1,000? My ex-H does not provide any financial support.

I say all this only to make the point that life moves on, albeit incredibly slowly sometimes. The little things can help see you through. How old are your boys? Are they coping OK?

Tell me what you're doing to remember Chris. When my SIL's mum died I 'paid for' 3 trees to be planted and she was given the exact location so that she could go there whenever she wanted to feel close to her mum again.

Try to get some sleep. I will be back in the morning. Love and hugs to you. flowers

IronGolem Tue 22-Dec-15 00:24:31

Reaching out to hold your hand, Ludoole.

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 00:29:23

Charley He was the best man who ever lived. I know im biased but it is HIS friends who have been my greatest support. That is testament to my Chris. I barely knew some of them and yet they want to support us because of him. Im sorry to hear about your dad... my dad wont be far behind...

Twitterqueen Thankyou for making me remember the man he was, or is.... I am blessed to have taken his heart and he to have taken mine.
When the dark thoughts hit, its hard to see what is in front of you. Xxx

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 22-Dec-15 00:29:43

Bloody unfair isn't it?

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 00:34:05

My boys are 15 and 12. The 15yo helped me pick him up when he fell and get him off the toilet. He fetched his favourite sweets from the olde fashioned sweet shop..
My 12 yo sleeps with me since Chris passed... not good but he needs it. Hes frightened i will leave too...
They were changed because of having Chris in our lives... but changed for the better... I need to remember that.

CharleyDavidson Tue 22-Dec-15 00:37:52

Do remember that. It's hard to see and feel that right now, I know, but he hasn't taken everything that's good with him. He's left moments and memories that are special and can't be taken from you and in time, when the harshness of what has happened sort of sinks in, you will be able to think more about the good that has gone and it will soften the hard times and memories.

timelytess Tue 22-Dec-15 00:39:06

flowers

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 00:50:11

Sometimes i forget he didnt leave through choice... cancer took him.
I need to remember that.

Thankyou flowers to those of you on this thread tonight. You have made me remember that if he had a choice he would still be here, making good on all his promises that we would grow old together.

I will miss him everyday of my life. I may always be alone from here on in, but as i said, he loved me enough for 1000 lifetime's... thats enough for me.

Thank you for being here tonight and making me remember what made him so wonderful. Xxxc

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 01:02:29

I dont care if this outs me... This is our family and im bloody proud of us! Even the dog is here! X

ladybird69 Tue 22-Dec-15 01:18:07

Ludoole you look like a lovely family it's gonna hurt like hell. do you keep asking 'why us what did we do to deserve this' I know I did. hold each other close and then closer still. remember the good times and please lean on each other. also out of experience please use the charities cruise and Winstons wish, they were such a support and strength for us. there is no other pain on earth than loss so give into it and feel it, he deserves it, you deserve it and only then can you begin to heal. and by God it will take time. baby steps and sending you all my strength too (((hugs)))

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 01:35:32

Ladybird We do deserve to feel the pain. We were loved SO much, that it needs to be recognised. He cant pass quietly into a corner. He deserves our pain to be echoed through time and space because he was so important to us. Im not the religious type but Chris believed in an afterlife and i hope he was right. I hope he hears the impact he had on our lives. I hope he feels the pain because he would try his best to sort that out... he always tried to minimise the impact of his pain. We were loved. We still are, and so is he. Always and forever. X

LeaLeander Tue 22-Dec-15 01:37:58

You both look radiant.

He looks like a brave and kind man. He knew he was loved deeply which is more than many have at the end. He did not die alone and afraid thanks to you and your sons. Cling to that. You were strong when necessary and can collapse a bit now. It's OK.

Have thought of you often. You are not alone. Don't blame you for feeling bitter and panic-stricken.

When my mom died I got upset by the craziest things like putting out a fresh bar of soap in the bath. "This is the first new soap since mom died" "...the second new bar of soap.." Etc. and you start realizing it's for real. It's not a bad dream or dress rehearsal. It really happened.

Wish I had more to comfort you. We do understand. Keep posting.

Sleep mask is a good suggestion. And buy big extra pillows to fill your bed and huddle against.

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 01:46:18

Lealeander Its funny you mention soap! I haven't touched the last bar he touched! I cant bear to. Thats comforting to know. I thought I was being weird! It would be weirder still i guess to not acknowledge the pain. He went through so much trying to stay that he deserves our pain at his loss x

SpellBookandCandle Tue 22-Dec-15 02:01:22

My heart is breaking for you. So very very sorry you are in such pain. I don't know how it feels to lose the man I love. I can only relate to losing my beloved father. The grief came in waves. I would sleep sometimes, thinking maybe I would be lucky enough to dream about him. I yearned for my Dad, his voice, his smile, the smell of his aftershave. I'm thinking about you, honey. Your pain is so raw and fresh, I wish I had someway of making you feel better. Sending thoughts of peace to you.

Ludoole Tue 22-Dec-15 02:14:31

Spellbook My own father has advanced alzheimers and vascular dementia. He was placed in a care home after Chris died as mum wanted to be here for the boys and me. Things gave gone so wrong for him since...
I miss my dad. This is when he would have been invaluable (had he been in his right mind..) as it is we cannot see him as he "kicks off" when he sees us...
Its always hard the lose a parent. Xx

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