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The Book of Remembrance wasn't there

(12 Posts)
christinarossetti Sun 20-Dec-15 12:09:19

Our first baby died 10 years ago yesterday.

Obviously, this time of year is always difficult for us, but we derive a lot of comfort from taking flowers to where we scattered her ashes and going to the crematorium to see her entry in the Book of Remembrance. The pages are turned each day, so the 19th December is only showing on the 19th December iyswim.

When we got the the crematorium yesterday, there was a printed note saying that the Book was being worked on, so go to the office if you wanted to see it, regret any inconvenience caused etc. Went to the office, and it was shut, as it's the weekend. I called the number for the crematorium and spoke to someone at the central office in Birmingham (we're in London), who was very apologetic, but confirmed indeed that the office would be shut all weekend.

I'm surprised how much this has devastated me. We've always been very much alone with our grief (our families don't acknowledge it, understandably friends forget as time goes on and it's such a busy time of year), but it's always felt like 'someone's remembered' when we've seen the entry in the Book of Remembrance. It means a lot to me to see her name written down once a year.

So that's it. I could call the crematorium this week and try to go, but I'll have my children with me and I don't want them to have to see me so upset any more, especially if I'm not able to see the entry.

The 10 year marker has been so hard, and I'd hoped to be feeling better once I got to the other side, but it's the opposite this year.

PenguinPoser Sun 20-Dec-15 12:11:17

How upsetting for you, I can totally understand your feelings. So sorry for your loss flowers

originalmavis Sun 20-Dec-15 12:11:43

Your friends and family won't forget, and us lot on here will be thinking if you today and saying little prayers.

So sorry for your awful loss. Hug your kids, remember the baby but be kind to yourself.

FannyFifer Sun 20-Dec-15 12:12:45

I'm so sorry you are so upset. sad
Would getting a photocopy or a photo of the entry in the book be comforting for you maybe, doesn't help at the minute but maybe for the future.
Sorry for your loss. X

RJnomore1 Sun 20-Dec-15 12:14:44

I am so sorry. I am sure other people haven't forgotten. People are clumsy and don't know what to say.

Would it help you to tell us her name? I love lighting out Christmas candle later and I'd like to remember her for you as I did it if that's ok.

NoMilkNoSugar Sun 20-Dec-15 12:15:14

flowers so sorry for your loss. Xx

ProfGrammaticus Sun 20-Dec-15 12:15:22

I'm so sorry. Maybe we vipers on here can stand as witnesses for your loss. We are here with you, and with your missing baby. Xxx

RJnomore1 Sun 20-Dec-15 12:15:23

That was a bad sentence sorry. I will be lighting our candle. Tut.

christinarossetti Sun 20-Dec-15 12:25:58

Thanks so much for so many quick responses and kind words.

To cut a long story short, the care that I received during her birth and death wasn't great. The 'bereavement midwife' who filled in the post mortum form didn't know how to do it properly, the PM results got lost in the post and no-one cba to chase them up, our appointment for the genetic counsellor also got lost/never sent, no midwife visited or even phoned when I went home following her birth, no psychological support offered etc etc.

The Book of Remembrance being opened on her birthday has been a constant this past 9 years, and now that's not there either.

ineedamoreadultieradult Sun 20-Dec-15 12:27:18

I am sorry for your loss and sorry the remembrance book wasn't there. It is understandable it has upset you, we can help you remember her if you would like flowers

christinarossetti Sun 20-Dec-15 13:20:21

Thank you. It's not the remembering her per se that's upsetting me, it's the shock of something that I thought was certain and an extetnal acknowledgement of hwr little life not being there. Reminiscent of finding out that she was going to die late on pregnancy, I suppose.

SallyMcgally Sun 20-Dec-15 19:40:54

Thinking of you and your little girl.

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